On The Left... [Dec 8, 2004]

This is meant to pre-empt any criticism of my appearance tonight on the Dennis Miller, CNBC, 9 and midnight Eastern. Yes, when my segment ends, I do stand up, and it does look like I stick my hand down my pants, thrust my crotch toward the camera, and move my hand in a rhythmic clockwise motion for at least 30 seconds. But let the debate end here. I had a testicular itch. I was not pleasuring myself. It usually takes me at least a half-hour to come down from the high of appearing on television to get an actual erection. Also, call me guilty. I did have Scotch in that little coffee cup. Rampant alcoholism promotes clarity of mind.

My actual experience on the show has been somewhat blacked out by the fact that I got to meet Charles Barkley backstage. All three regular readers of this space know of my unnatural affection for the basketball stylings of the Phoenix Suns. Sir Charles is the greatest Sun of all time. I know he's a bit of a loudmouth and has a somewhat checkered history of public behavior, but he's still one of my heroes. He winked at me twice during our superficial two-minute conversation about the NBA. Golly! He talked to everyone at the show just like they were real people!

Then I was on TV, arguing with Dennis Miller and action-movie character actor Robert Davi that Christians are not, in fact, subject to discrimination in this country. They took the counter-position with wit and grace, but I held fast to my principles. There's nothing wrong with a star of Die Hard whose main public goal is to protect little children from Internet sexual predators arguing that "Judeo-Christian values" are "under assault." That's his opinion. But I've been watching Fox News with a fresh eye recently, and there's a lot of stuff flying around about how America needs to be "reclaimed" from the forces that are trying to "de-Christianize" it.

Using seemingly innocent metaphors like calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree instead of a "holiday tree" is a classic mainstreaming gambit by the sketchier elements of the religious right. The Center For Reclaiming America For Christ includes a downloadable "Christmas media kit" on the same page that denounces Planned Parenthood Canada's new "lewd teen sex commercial" and numerous attacks on people who acknowledge that human beings actually have sex sometimes. The culture wars originate from such places. They don't bubble up unbidden from the hearts and minds of good people everywhere. If anything, these people get too much credit in public discource. They're about as discriminated against as a high-end prostitute at a political convention.

Take, for instance, the rising hoo-ha over the case of Steven J. Williams, a conservative Christian public-school teacher in Cupertino, California, who is being prevented from inserting his "values" into discussion of colonial history. On the one hand, it's wrong for the school's principal to ask Williams to submit class materials for review in case they contain "inappropriate religious content." That's not really for a principal to decide. On the other hand, there's a growing movement in this country to teach a Christian version of American history that distorts the meaning of the Constitution and twists the words of the founding fathers to fit a crypto-theocratic agenda. Far from being an aggrieved class, the people who claim "anti-Christian" discrimination in this country are using the aberrant cases of actual discrimination to form a media and policy wedge that will never be budged. Dominionism is real, my friends.

Also tonight on Dennis Miller: I make a joke about baseball players snorting cocaine! No one can stop this steam train of fact-based humorous opinion! Rah!