Coastopia, My Ass [Nov 4, 2004]

Before we proceed, let me remind you that George Bush's "mandate" includes his desire to turn America into a Christian Dominionist nation based on literal interpretation of Old Testament law. You say, Dominionist? What is that, some sort of sex thing? Or a Star Trek reference? Oh, no, my friends. You'll be hearing a lot about the Dominion from here on in. Nothing, not even an unholy alliance with the Borg, will save us.

Now then.

I received a forwarded email today. It was titled "American Coastopia," and was fairly long, so I won't burden you with its entirety. The email was written by a man who, along with his wife, only half-ironically proposes that the Blue States secede from the Union. They've begun by "seceding" themselves. To wit:

"We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing we could."

Thank goodness that America Coastopia will be free of "knuckle-draggers." I hate picking up after that discarded knuckle flesh. My word, man! Do you think that Bush supporters don't enjoy going to the beach? Or to museums in Chicago, which you say are "fabulous" and therefore belong to American Coastopia? Where do you think Indiana goes on vacation?

But here's where it gets really good:

"Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have most of them, because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back, turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks."

Well, that sounds wonderful. I'm sure the firefighters who are developing black-lung disease contracted after September 11 will be glad to hear that downtown Manhattan is being reclaimed for "progressive think tanks." Why not modelling studios and progressive dunk tanks? It would make just as much sense.

Then, this high-minded gentleman says,

"Wall Street and other financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit."

One, Charlotte is a large city with a substantial African-American population. The Original Kings Of Comedy was filmed there. Two, it's the only city in the United States to have a professional basketball team owned by a black man. Three, while Charlotte is home to several conservative religious organizations, it also houses the Baptist Peace Fellowship Of North America. Do you really want to lose that city? Or the rest of the South, for that matter?

As for your "sickness" of being a "terrorist target," well, I'm sure that certain Bush supporters are "sick" of having their sons and daughters "die" in Iraq, too, but do you really think they're going to blame you? If they do, they're wrong as well.

I've singled out one Internet crank here because I feel like he represents the way a lot of people think. While I agree with the political preferences of "American Coastopia," like safe and legal abortions, gay rights, an equitable health-care system, and a sane enviromental attitude, I do not share its founder's opinion of flyover country. Listen to this:

"We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don't want to be lumped in with you anymore."

Pal, I'd rather have a cup of coffee with my next-door neighbor every day for the rest of my life than share one "hazelnut latte" with you. He thinks I'm going to hell but helped me fix my lawnmower last weekend anyway. He's a gentleman who just happens to think gay people are the devil incarnate. But at least he doesn't want to turn Manhattan into one big artists' colony. We all have our flaws.

People. I know you're angry. I'm angry, too. But hate only breeds more hate. Turn your outraged attention toward President Bush, his government, and his policies. Leave the people who voted for him alone.