Novelists Unite! [Nov 3, 2004]

Many horrible things will result from last night's electoral Anschluss, but the first has already manifested itself. If I never again hear another novelist or short story writer pontificate about the need for progressive organizing, I will be a happy man. But I will hear them, over and over again, for the next four years and beyond, so I will never be a happy man.

Note to novelists: Write novels. If you want to be a citizen besides, go ahead. But don't tell us about your unique and heartwarming experiences among the common people. Stop writing op-eds for the Times or Salon about the revelations you had out there in line, in the cold. We don't care. The only fiction writers who get a mild pass are those like Carl Hiaasen who've actually worked as political reporters and therefore don't look at politics with the same amount of innocent-eyed wonder as my two-year-old son does a walrus at The San Diego Zoo.

Here, in today's Salon, is Heidi Julavits, a very nice person upon whom I wish no ill. Nevertheless, I will now make fun of her. She informs us that her "Italian friend" believes that our country is now "medieval" Yeah, he would know. Now I quote her directly :

"I realize that we have to treat our own country as a foreign country, with whom our relations are strained beyond the point of communication. Do we compose for that 51 percent, our alienated brethren, novels or poems to mend this rift and sway their minds? My cynical guess is that Roth's "The Plot Against America," for example, didn't experience soaring sales in Mississippi -- which is not to discount the importance of writing politically engaged and evocative fiction."

Yes, Heidi, it IS to discount the importance of writing politically engaged and evocative fiction. If a novel doesn't feature a conspiracy theory involving the Knights Templars and a Renaissance cultural figure, a fat girl finding love, or the Apocalypse, it will not find an audience among your "foreign country." Also, I would venture that Roth's novel did pretty well in Oxford, MS, one of the most literate and sophisticated towns in the United States.

I live in Texas, for the moment. Yes, I am surrounded by yahoos whose point of view is a little alien to me. But I'll be goddamned if I'll, as Julavits suggests, engage in "straight activism" to try to convert them to my side. That would quickly find me at the wrong end of a fist or a beer bottle.

"Hey, Luann!" says an imaginary red-state resident. "One of those novelists is here again to communicate with us! I love it when they show up in the middle of dinner!"

When Rick Moody talks about how "we've got to consider and plan more effectively" for the next election, I know we're in post 9-11 territory again, when every schmo with a semi-recognizable byline, myself included, felt the need to chime in with their thoughts.

Salon also asked Abha Dawesar, author of "Miniplanner," for her opinion. She said: "Wheel out every writer about to flee Bush-i-stan on a book tour to the swing states so that next time round the moral vote swings in favor of peace and public liberty."

Ms. Dawesar, you are from India, a functioning democracy not unfamiliar with sectarian religious violence. So I respect your opinion. But you are obviously unfamiliar with the monumental public indifference that awaits the average author on the American road. I just finished a book tour, in non-swing states, and was lucky if I could get 15 people at any event. Maybe I'd get that many in Lawrence, Kansas, if I had the best publicity that money could buy.

I guess what I'm saying is this: Novelists cannot deliver the "moral vote." Most novelists can't even match their fucking socks. Unless they're Arundahti Roy and they're willing to stand in front of a dam or something, they should just stop wringing their hands and go back to what they do best: Attending cocktail parties.