I Am Unassailable [Jun 16, 2003]

The cowards who run PollackWatch have lately been stepping up their assault. First came the vicious series of parodies of some of my greatest blogposts, which I managed to quell through a combination of physical violence and legal threats. Then came the obscene phone calls to my mother in the middle of the night. The fact that she enjoyed the calls is beside the point. They were still terribly lewd. I generally tend to ignore my poorly-funded and ill-connected critics. But now these cowardly drones at PollackWatch, who are merely buzzards gnawing on my live carcass, are claiming that I'm a liar.

I may be many things, but a liar never. Since I invented the blogosphere on September 12, 2001 in a fit of patriotic rage, I've prided myself on my factual accuracy, unlike the now-deposed former leader of The New York Times, who ain't got two dirty nickels to rub together these days. When I conduct a smear campaign against one of my real or imagined enemies, or when I sing the praises of George W. Bush, the most just and fair President since the invention of the radio, I always use 100 percent accurate facts.

The PollackWatch hacks know nothing. Let's run down, and refute, some of their charges. By the end of this post, you'll be on my team for sure and forever.

1. They claim that in February of this year, I said, "You know, maybe letting the mullahs run Iran wouldn't be a tragedy. They seem like a pretty decent lot. If students ever try to protest their regime, I support their mass imprisonment and torture."

Well, OK. I may have said that. But haven't the PollackWatch people ever heard of irony? Hah hah. Hah hah. If anything, this week's extraordinary student protests in Iran only confirm the awesome power of U.S. hegemony over the globe, and also confirm the power of blogs. For without blogs, young Iranians would have no courage. Without courage, no protests. You may think I'm hedging, but I'm not. Do I look like a theocrat to you?

2. On yesterday's PollackWatch, there was this extraordinary passage: "Pollack claims to be pro-choice, pro-death-penalty, pro-teabagging, and pro-eating-meat on Fridays. Yet the Catholic Church, whic he says he supports 'without reservation,' stands opposite of everything he loves, and also everything he hates. How can a moral hypocrite like Pollack possibly live with himself?"

Very comfortably, thank you. I've never said that I'm for the molestation of children by priests. For one to claim so is to make a supreme error. I'm just against punishing priests for those alleged "crimes." This is totally in line with my support for a National Teenage Teabagging Association. I want to make sure that once supple mouths reach legal age, they're fully-trained for my enjoyment. Is that a sin? Also, I'm not "in favor" of child abductions. I just don't care about them.

3. PollackWatch cites a post from April where I said that the "bottom is about to fall out of the aluminum market," and that I then bought up a bunch of Alcoa shares on the cheap.

So? You were the suckers to sell, people. I had good information that just happened to be wrong. Don't crucify me because I'm famous and wealthy. I'm not going to go the way of Martha Stewart, the lady Christ of corporate America. Oh. And here's a tip. Sell your Krispy Kreme stock low. The bottom is about to drop straight out of the donut market. I have it on good word, from a reliable source in the industry.

4. For some reason, PollackWatch continues to harp on the fact that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq at the moment, and that I claimed there were while deriding critics as "enemies of the state who should be castrated."

Once again, I had good information. It's not my fault that my sources were unreliable criminals with a sinister secret agenda. I work very hard every day to bring you the finest Internet fact-based opinion writing, with very little gratitude and a lot of criticism. I wish the people at PollackWatch and Smarter Neal Pollack and Screw Neal Pollack, He Sucks, would get off my ass. It's either criticize me or criticize the natural enemies of freedom. Your choice, douche-monkeys.

Most of you understand my grand project and my ultimate design. You know that my efforts brought you the heads of Trent Lott and Howell Raines on platters, and helped gird the national loin against the twin threats of Islamofascism and Ashton Kutcher. You understand that if you donate just a few dollars directly to your right that my great band, The Neal Pollack Invasion, will be able to afford to play in or near your town this fall. Operators are standing by for your pledge, friends.

Thanks to the people who supported me financially yesterday, and to those who will give me money today and beyond. They understand my worth. They know that I'll be blogging long after the half-wits at PollackWatch have faded into the mists of time. They know that I'll always be noble and true. That is my solemn promise.