I Still Loved Him: More Trials Of America's Greatest President [May 29, 2003]

It appears that the Bush Administration is being criticized by the Red Cross for its treatment of war detainees at Guantanamo Bay. In other news, Amnesty International yesterday condemned the U.S. for its human-rights record at Guantanamo, saying that it has "lost the moral authority" to prosecute the War On Terror. Once again, false accusations are being levelled at the Bush Administration by third-rate thinkers. What in the world do the Red Cross and Amnesty International know about moral authority? Just look at their respective track records! OK, so their respective track records are impeccable. But they're still wrong. We were attacked on September 11, 2001. We should, therefore, be allowed to do whatever we want, in secret, for the rest of recorded history.

Now, another short excerpt from I Loved Him, my forthcoming memoir of my years as Bill Clinton's Number One lickspittle.

THE LAST STARRFIGHTER

Since Clinton hired me as his right-hand sycophant in 1993, I'd fought off so many gates. There were Travelgate and Filegate and the first half of Whitewatergate, and a lot of other gates that we managed to plug before you found out about them. Things began to get sticky when Monica Lewinsky entered the scene. You don't need to hear any details from me right now, but suffice it to say that I was in the room when she wore the blue dress, and the President let me take pictures. If this book sells poorly, I'm definitely fielding offers.

One day, the phone just started ringing, and it didn't stop for three years. I got a call from a producer at ABC news who also worked part-time as a clerk for Kenneth Starr. I was already on the line with a Washington Post reporter who played golf with Starr four times a week, while also exchanging email with a prominent television opinionmonger who belonged to Starr's secret high-stakes poker group, where the players gambled for leaked information, not money.

"Linda Tripp tells me that the President is a goat-fucker," the producer said. "Do you deny that?"

"YES, GODDAMN IT!" I said.

"Do you have categorical proof that the President has not, in fact, fucked goats?"

"I'm almost positive," I said.

That night, ABC News led with the story that the White House was trying to conceal from the American people the President's proclivity toward bestiality.

"We've got some problems here, Bill," I said.

The staff was busy jumping through open windows. Then a fax came over the secret transom. Apparently, Paula Jones had sent Kenneth Starr a copy of Monica Lewinsky's affadavit about Gennifer Flowers, even though all parties in the Jones case were under a court gag order not to disclose important information, or even to talk at all, which Starr made irrelevant when he read their diaries aloud on Meet The Press.

"What the hell is going on?" The President said.

For the first time ever, I saw Bill sob. I went behind his desk and rubbed his shoulders. It was going to be OK, I told him.

"Don't worry about these people," I said. "They have no real power. This scandal will blow over in a week."

Another affadavit buzzed through the fax. I put three cigarrettes between my lips and lit them all. Man, I'd taken off a lot of pounds since the scandals started. I only weighed 45 pounds now. But I didn't care. I just wanted to win.

TOMORROW: DESTROY ALL HITCHENS.