The War At Home [Jan 19, 2003]

This weekend's anti-war protests, if you want to call them that, were organized by a repulsive group of anti-capitialists who go by the name ANSWER. If you translate their acronym, you'll know who they really are. ANSWER stands for Alcoholic Nihilists Supporting Wild, Evil Rapists. Do the so-called "ordinary middle-class people" who turned out for the demonstrations in Washington, D.C and San Francisco really want to be associated with these evil bastard descendants of Jerry Rubin and Charles Manson?

Yet the mainstream media, as evidenced by Aaron Brown's Friday-night live on CNN rendition of Rage Against the Machine's "The Battle Of Los Angeles," have bought into the anti-war propaganda. Well, this is war, after all, and there are two sides. I place myself on the side of good. Do you?

With funding from the Council Of Conservative Citizen Councils, I've produced an advertisement that will run on every broadcast channel except ABC at 7 PM Eastern next Sunday night. My darling Peggy, clone baby of my heart, will star. Here's the script:

A LITTLE GIRL SKIPS THROUGH A MEADOW, PICKING FLOWERS

GIRL: Ring around a rosie, a pocket full of posies....

ANNOUNCER: Our beautiful blond children are threatened by a dark force from abroad.

CUT TO A SHOT OF AN ARAB MOB BURNING A U.S. FLAG.

CUT BACK TO THE LITTLE GIRL, WHO IS NOW RIDING A PONY.

GIRL: Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are...

ANNOUNCER: But even more dangerous are enemies on our own soil.

CUT TO AMERICAN ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS BURNING A U.S. FLAG. CUT TO SO-CALLED AMERICAN CITIZENS CHANTING ANTI-AMERICAN SLOGANS. CUT TO THE WHITE HOUSE EXPLODING.

ANNOUNCER: Every time you protest, somewhere in the world, a terrorist is created.

CUT TO A TERRORIST BEING CREATED.

ANNOUNCER: Don't let the Fifth Column fool you. This is America. We won't win unless we're all in this together.

CUT TO THE LITTLE GIRL SCREAMING AS SHE'S DEVOURED BY WOLVES.

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. IN WHITE LETTERING APPEAR THE WORDS:

PROTESTING KILLS CHILDREN

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AGAIN. IN WHITE LETTERING APPEAR THE WORDS:

HANS BLIX IS A PUSSY.

Subtle, but effective, and completely true. But don't worry. I substituted a different little girl for Peggy during the wolves scene. That girl's family was poor before we filmed the commercial. Now, they'll never have financial troubles again.