Putting Your Foots Down
Driving back from another exciting family dinner at Souplantation. Elijah starts twiddling my elbow with his toes. After a couple of minutes, I tell him to cut the crap.
"Get your feet off of me," I say.
"No, get your FOOTS off of me," he says.
"It's feet," I say. "Foots is not a word unless you're using it as a third-person verb, as in 'he foots the bill.'"
"Say get your foots off me and I will," Elijah says.
"No," I say. "Get your FEET off of me."
"FOOTS!"
"Foot."
"Not ONE foot. TWO foots."
"I will not say foots. It's grammatically incorrect."
Elijah begins to grow upset.
"Say it! Say it! Say it! SAY FOOTS!"
"This is the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard," Regina says.
"I will not say foots.'
Now Elijah is kicking my elbow.
"Get...your...feet...off...of....me...." I say.
"I will if you say foots. SAAAAAAY FOOOOOOOOTS!"
"Fine," I say, "Foots!"
"No, in a sentence," he says. "FOOOOOOOOOTS!"
"Get your...No, I can't do it. Get your feet off me."
"FOOTS FOOTS FOOTS!"
"Clam it right now or you won't get to watch TV tomorrow."
"FOOTS!"
"I mean it, dude."
"Fine," he says. "It's just a dumb word, anyway."
"Get your feet off of me."
He removes his feet.
"My foots are off of you."
"Feet."
"Whatever."