Splash Judgment
Elijah woke up at 7 AM, complaining that his fingers were itchy. Sure enough, they had bumps all over them, so Regina had to take him to the doctor. They determined that it was "contact dermatitis," but Regina, never one to take a diagnosis at face value, had self-decided that it was, in fact, poison ivy. Regardless, Elijah got to school an hour-and-a-half late, his bloodstream fatally compromised by a nuclear-green sucker that he'd received at the doctor's office.
So, of course, we blamed the sugar when Elijah got sent to the principal's office at lunchtime for "defiant" behavior. We got the call, went to school, met with the principal, formulated this month's Elijah-control strategy, and took the boy home. He sat in his room by himself for two hours except for the three times he had to pee and the four times when he needed a drink of water.
Dinner went OK, until Elijah started playing Truth Or Dare. He dared me to stick my face in the dog's butt. I refused. Still, he found the request so hilarious that he repeated it over and over again.
"Stick your face in the dog's butt!" he said.
"No," I said.
"But it's a dare! A dog-butt-face dare."
"No."
"Stick your face in the dog's butt. Stick your face in the dog's butt. STICK YOUR FACE IN THE DOG'S BUTT, GODDAMMIT!"
He was screaming at me, his face furiously red. This was going to be a long night.
Bedtime came, the hour of terrified reckoning for every parent. Elijah celebrated going to bed by pulling a Thelonius Monk CD (chosen at random, not because he has particularly good taste) out of his CD drawer, putting it in his boom box, and playing it at full volume. Also, he set his Curious George alarm clock to "permanent ring," and sat at the front of his bed, bouncing up and down, mouth wide open, screaming "AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!"
Regina and I did what any sane guardian of an unhinged child would do: We started blaming each other.
"You're the one who said he could see Star Trek this weekend," she said.
"Yeah, well you're the one who let him play Wii for three hours on Saturday and Sunday."
"Don't put that on me. You played with him."
"Fine. But you let him have that sucker at the doctor's office."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Elijah roared. "I AM LOSING MY MIIIIIIIIIIIND!"
An hour passed. Elijah got out of bed multiple times. He ran around, making threats, screaming that he wanted me to stick my face in the dog's butt or else, and generally making our brains hurt worse than they'd hurt in a long time. We took away privileges galore, but it had no effect. My back was sore, my mind tired. This had to stop.
So I made a decision. I went into Elijah's bedroom, and whispered in his ear.
"Come with me to the bathroom," I said.
"What is it?" he said conspiratorially.
"You'll see," I said.
As he got out of bed, I took a cup of water off his night-tray.
He went into the bathroom, grinning.
"Well," he said.
And then I splashed the water in his face.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he said.
Whoops. Wrong call.
I walked into the kitchen to compose myself. Elijah charged at me, now naked, fists flailing. He threw his underwear in my face.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?" he asked.
"Because you were hysterical," I said.
"I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!"
"Pollack," Regina said. "You're an idiot."
"I was just trying to calm him down."
Elijah said, "I'm not going to bed until I can dump a cup of water on daddy's face!"
"That's not gonna happen," I said.
"OH YES IT IS!"
"See what you've taught him?" Regina said.
There's a lot of media around right now about the concept of a "bad parent." Of course, the people writing the bad-parent books aren't actually bad parents, not even close. The guy who killed his five kids in that Seattle trailer park? He was a bad parent.
That said, though I'm certain that I'm not a bad parent overall, splashing water in my son's face to calm him down won me some major demerits. It was a flawed, immature decision made in anger. Any parent who's never had a moment like that, please raise their hand. I thought so. Still, this qualified as a whopper.
I went upstairs to take a shower, where I clawed at my face and wept silently. When I returned 15 minutes later, Regina said, "you have to deal with this. He's refusing to go to sleep until he dumps water on you."
"He's not dumping water on me," I said.
"You tell him that."
I went into the boy's bedroom. It was almost 10:30 by now, and he looked worn. Dark-blue craters had formed under his eyes, and his voice croaked.
"I want to dump water on you," he said.
"Listen to me, boy," I said. "I was very, very wrong to dump water on you. It was a stupid and impulsive decision, and I'm really sorry."
"OK," he said.
"So you'll go to sleep now?"
"Not until I dump water on you."
"But I already apologized."
He thought about this for a minute.
"OK then," he said. "Buy me something."
"After the way you behaved? No way."
"Buy me something or let me dump water on you. That's your choice."
I sighed. He had me beaten. This had to stop somewhere.
"All right," I said. "I'll get you a new Asterix book this weekend. But you also know that you lost Wii privileges for the month and treat privileges for the next two weeks."
"I know," he said. "But at least I'm getting a new Asterix book."
So, thanks to another bad decision by daddy, we had to make another insane compromise. But, as far as I know, the sun rose the next day, and things went much better. From now on, no lollipops in the middle of the week, not even if Elijah goes to the doctor. I'm sure that will solve all our problems.
Comments
One of you needs a spanking.
Posted by: Anna | May 14, 2009 7:54 PM
But it works on all the sitcoms! Just like when you slap someone across the face, they'll say "Thanks, I needed that." And shit, it was just water. With the night you were having, he's lucky he didn't get an eyeful of whiskey. ;)
Posted by: kommishoner | May 14, 2009 9:00 PM
Seriously? Have you tried a simple spanking? It would save sooooo much time and effort. Tennessee has a few things going for it, you know...
If you refuse, then I am signing you up for Super Nanny. I think there's money involved, so it's a win-win.
Posted by: Lindsay | May 14, 2009 9:46 PM
You must trust me when I tell you that spanking will not work with this child.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | May 14, 2009 11:05 PM
I thought science had determined that there's not a link between sugar consumption and hyperactivity in kids.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=51539
If I had behaved like that back in the day, my parents probably would have beaten me and then called the police to beat me some more.
Posted by: JTC | May 15, 2009 4:49 AM
(Raising his hand.)
I once bit my kid. In fairness, he was biting me really hard at the time.
Posted by: troy | May 15, 2009 6:06 AM
It's so amazing how a number of hours with an insane child does a number on your ability to think clearly, isn't it?
It's like the crazy is catching.
Posted by: mutter | May 15, 2009 7:21 AM
Oh, I have sooooo been there. I remember screaming hysterically back at one of my kids when he was going full-tilt-boogie and my husband removing me from the situation because I had so clearly lost it.
We've also had times when I have taken the kids out of the house for as long as eight hours so DH could chill out.
Any parent who hasn't lost their marbles completely gets a free pass from me, as long as they don't resort to out-and-out abuse. A glass of water splashed in the face? Not exactly waterboarding.... and someday, you guys will laugh your asses out about this.
Posted by: JT | May 15, 2009 7:58 AM
You totally should have just put your face in the dog's butt... heh...
Posted by: Nathan Isenhardt | May 15, 2009 11:39 AM
Physical punishment will not work. E requires absolute calm and patience until he settles himself down/ burns himself out - easy to say, NOT EASY TO DO. Calm and patience are not our strong suits. He is hysterical and inaccessible in these moments. Let's just say this situation is more complicated than just discipline techniques. We're working on it - being a parent is so haaarrrd (whine).
Posted by: Reg | May 15, 2009 12:16 PM
JTC, E's blood sugar is low - he gets grouchier than the avg. person when he hasn't eaten. When he eats sugar (esp w/o protein) it's like crack has entered his system and then he crashes. As far as I'm concerned most doctors don't know shit about nutrition. I'll allow that this scenario is more complicated than I'm suggesting here and there are other factors contributing to his "sugar crazies", but I stand firm that sugar is part of it. He still gets some small treats - I just make sure he's had real food beforehand - not an easy feat with a picky 6 yr old. :)
Posted by: Reg | May 15, 2009 12:28 PM
I used to be super bitchy to my parents too, especially my mom (my dad always seemed more imposing) but I don't really remember how they dealt with it - I think they basicly ignored me until I calmed down.
As I got smarter, I started to realize that keeping calm, considerate, and reasonable was a much better way to get what I wanted... maybe Elijah will figure that out too. Of course, I don't think that the concept crystallized in my head until somewhere around high school, so you might have to wait a while.
Posted by: matt | May 15, 2009 6:42 PM
My ten yo used to be the same way. Spanking was not the solution. I tried it (I never thought I would), and it only exacerbated things.
It's a blood sugar thing. She has to eat many small healthy meals a day or she is an unreachable angry nugget.
BTW, out of four girls, she is the ONLY one with this problem.
Good luck you two!
Posted by: jessica o | May 16, 2009 9:27 AM
You might try melatonin for bedtime. Seriously, some people's bodies don't produce enough, and it's pretty much harmless in small doses, although sometimes it causes strange dreams.
Posted by: Doll | May 18, 2009 3:56 PM
I know she's kinda annoying, but what about a consult with that Super Nanny chick?
Posted by: haim | May 19, 2009 1:25 PM
two words:
Sticker chart
(kidding)
Posted by: dominic | May 20, 2009 2:32 AM
have you tried the marble jar? its the one tip i ever took away from supernanny and it usually works. she can actually see how she's earning or losing rewards so it becomes real and not just a threat.
Posted by: eric | June 8, 2009 6:26 AM
Therapy for mom and dad
Posted by: Beth | June 17, 2009 8:00 AM
Therapy for mom and dad
Posted by: Beth | June 17, 2009 8:00 AM
I just happened across your blog (via Motherlode) and have really enjoyed what I've read. It's nice to find other "alterna-parents" out there.
As for this entry, it seems many have been passing judgments (ie: the Super Nanny and spanking comments). Just wait, I say. Your day will come...
While tossing water in your child's face was probably not the wisest move in parenting, at least you realized it!! And it will be wildly funny one day, no doubt. But kudos for communicating your mistake to your child and making it right. And kudos for not taking the "easy" way and spanking him. And kudos for thinking your way through it. Props to you and your wife, obviously parents of a "spirited" child and the communication you guys seem to have. Sometimes (oftentimes, in fact) parenting ain't pretty, and it's nice to read about what's really going on behind closed doors. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Taunya Dawson | June 21, 2009 1:14 AM
All I can suggest is what works for me with my twins: consistency of rules and routine, and walking away when the screaming starts.
They go to bed at the same time every night, period. We warn them a bit in advance (ten minute warning!) so they know it's coming, then work through the routine as scheduled.
Some nights they go right down, other nights they drag it out -- but if they start screaming, we walk away until they're done. If they want stories, music, or just one of us to hang out while they fall asleep, they have to stop making a ruckus -- and the lights stay off, so they can't play.
That, plus the "I'm going to count to three, and if you haven't ___, I am going to ____", where the first thing and the second thing are logically connected. It's gotten to the point now that no matter how much of a nightmare they're being, if I say "I'm going to count to three..." they just do the thing I was asking for. It works only because I always follow through on what I say I'm going to do, and have for years -- no giving in, period. Needless to say, you have to be careful about what you say you're going to do. Be willing to do it.
Finally, when they're throwing a tantrum and you're going crazy? Walk away. Make a deal with your spouse: when they're being difficult, one of you leaves immediately. The other tries to deal with it. If it fails and the other is going crazy, they walk away and tell the first parent where they left off, and they go deal for a while.
This provides two benefits: first, no single parent has to go crazy for long, and second, you won't be fighting each other on how to deal with the situation even as you're dealing with it.
Of course, even when I follow my own advice, sometimes it doesn't work. But who knows, it might help. Good luck.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 8, 2009 2:55 AM
All I can suggest is what works for me with my twins: consistency of rules and routine, and walking away when the screaming starts.
They go to bed at the same time every night, period. We warn them a bit in advance (ten minute warning!) so they know it's coming, then work through the routine as scheduled.
Some nights they go right down, other nights they drag it out -- but if they start screaming, we walk away until they're done. If they want stories, music, or just one of us to hang out while they fall asleep, they have to stop making a ruckus -- and the lights stay off, so they can't play.
That, plus the "I'm going to count to three, and if you haven't ___, I am going to ____", where the first thing and the second thing are logically connected. It's gotten to the point now that no matter how much of a nightmare they're being, if I say "I'm going to count to three..." they just do the thing I was asking for. It works only because I always follow through on what I say I'm going to do, and have for years -- no giving in, period. Needless to say, you have to be careful about what you say you're going to do. Be willing to do it.
Finally, when they're throwing a tantrum and you're going crazy? Walk away. Make a deal with your spouse: when they're being difficult, one of you leaves immediately. The other tries to deal with it. If it fails and the other is going crazy, they walk away and tell the first parent where they left off, and they go deal for a while.
This provides two benefits: first, no single parent has to go crazy for long, and second, you won't be fighting each other on how to deal with the situation even as you're dealing with it.
Of course, even when I follow my own advice, sometimes it doesn't work. But who knows, it might help. Good luck.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 8, 2009 2:55 AM
You never win a fight with a kid, even when you win.
Your problem (or one of them) is timing. Physical punishment WILL work when it's consistent and at the right time. Not when he's worked up into a tizzy, but probably right around the point where he yelled "goddammit."
I'd even get behind the cup of water in the face if it were administered at the right time.
So it's about timing... maybe less effort being the cool "alterna-" and more effort being the "-dad?"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 8, 2009 11:24 AM
Ick, hate all the "advice" you are getting. Ignore! Obviously you know your kid best and are trying what you can. People don't get it. Kids are different, unique, each with their own set of issues. And I just applaud you for sharing, for pulling back the curtain and sharing. It IS hard, man.
Posted by: Alison | August 6, 2009 8:13 PM