Elijah spent part of Sunday morning watching a movie called Tom And Jerry: The Fast And The Furry. I just couldn't get out of bed in time to stop him, and it's bad manners to turn off someone's movie midstream, especially when that someone is prone to temper tantrums. Regina put it on for the boy. Quality control isn't her strong suit as a parent. This is someone who'd spent the previous evening unapologetically watching Journey To The Center Of The Earth, starring Brendan Fraser.

Basically, The Fast And The Furry is a straight-to-video (and straight-to-Cartoon Network) crap-fest that's a bad parody of The Amazing Race, a flat-out ripoff of Wacky Racers, and a showcase for some third-rate Tom And Jerry slapstick. Now, I have nothing against Tom And Jerry. The original Tex Avery and Fred Quimby T&J cartoons are some of the greatest animation ever made. And I have nothing against my kid watching animated parodies of reality TV shows. He sometimes enjoys a show called "Total Drama Island" that I think is freaking hilarious. But combining the two, cheaply, just reeks of exploitation. It's like putting high-fructose corn syrup in something that's already sweet. That's what bothers me.

For instance, I'll make no argument that old Scooby Doo, Where Are You? cartoons represent the pinnacle of children's entertainment. But there's something undeniably zany, authentic, and stonerish about them. We tend to not encourage Scooby Doo-watching in our house, but if an old episode happens to fall into Elijah's slipstream, then we let it pass. By contrast, contemporary straight-to-video Scooby "movies," like Scooby-Doo And The Cyber Chase or that one set on Zombie Island lack any of the charm, wit, or graininess of the old cartoons. They're an empty shell, a simulacrum of a simulacrum.

I may not have much to offer as a dad. But I do know the difference between a good cartoon and a bad cartoon, or at least an authentic cartoon and an inauthentic one. Chuck Jones' Looney Tunes shorts are great. Duck Dodgers is not. Tex Avery's Tom And Jerry cartoons are magnificent. Made-for-TV Tom And Jerry movies are not. Season 18 of The Simpsons is not the same show as Season 7.

Lest you think I'm lounging in nostalgia, I understand the people who made most of what I watched as a kid should probably be tried for violating the Geneva Conventions. For god's sake, I watched Quick Draw McGraw and Top Cat. So I'll offer a reverse: Justice League: Unlimited is the greatest superhero cartoon series ever made. Challenge Of The Superfriends, while mildly charming and very weird, is total crap. The worst episode of Spongebob is better than the best Yogi Bear cartoon.

Unless you're not TV people, in which case you have your own problems, I think it's important to maintain some aesthetic standards for what your kids consume, and to explain those standards to your kids. You can't just say "oh, it's Tom And Jerry," because not all Tom And Jerry is created equal. Would you find yourself thinking that "orange drink" is the same as "orange juice," that "cheese flavor" is an acceptable substitute for "cheese," or that Kidz Bop is, in any way, worth listening to in lieu of actual rock-n-roll? Of course you wouldn't, or at least you wouldn't admit it in my highly-judgmental presence.

Here endeth the lesson.

Now you kids get offa my lawn!

Posted by at 9:54 PM | Permalink