Mount Elijah Erupts
Before I begin my latest account of colt-wrangling, let me point out this very nice article in the L.A. Daily News about Offsprung. Speaking of Offsprung, I encourage you all to head over there now, as we're dry-launching our new "community" features, which will suck your soul from your body so slowly, you won't even know it's happening.
Now then:
Elijah was being really cute this morning, telling little jokes, saying please and thank you, dancing around the living room while squealing his little squeal-thing that he does. I can't pin down the moment it went wrong. Maybe it was a combination of factors. I told him that I didn't care if he was a ghost. He had to take the blanket off his head because it was time to get dressed for school. Regina told him that he had to drink his milk. And I pulled a pair of light-blue socks out of the drawer.
Suddenly, he was a miserable, snivelling beast, kicking at our shins, thrashing in the hallway, deliberately drooling phlegm onto the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" when we took away his treat privileges and his TV privileges for the rest of the day. We finally calmed him down enough to get him into the car with me. Then he declared that we'd given him the wrong color vitamins, and he threw them in the dirt. I told him that he could get his vitamins when he came home from school, but he'd thrown these in the dirt and I wouldn't replace them.
The drive from school takes three minutes. By the time it was over, I felt like I'd crossed the Atlantic overnight. Elijah spent our precious time together trying to escape from his seatbelt, screaming "TURN! AROUND! RIGHT! NOW! OR I WILL BE VERY ANGRY!!! I WANT MY VITAMINS!"
A shoe cleared the passenger seat, landing on the floor below. Then a hard plastic dolphin connected with my ear.
"THAT'S IT!" I said. "You do NOT throw stuff in the car. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
The following minute was very loud, on both our parts, and ended with Elijah losing his teeball privilege for Friday, with an escape clause for good behavior, though the loss of treats and TV were immutable. He clung to me on the playground for about ten minutes. We kissed and made up, and then I went home, sat alone in the basement, and felt like shit for the rest of the day.
This inspiring tale of contemporary American parenthood has been brought to you by Offsprung:Telling The Truth About Parenting Since May 2007.
Comments
Wow, Lyme's disease is much more irritating than I thought. Sounds like the new neighborhood is bringing out the best in him, literally as well as figuratively.
Posted by: PhillyD | June 14, 2007 7:46 PM
Chin up, because it's only the beginning. We can't all be Buddha-like.
Posted by: paperpusher | June 15, 2007 8:50 AM
thanks for admitting this. we had one of the roughest experiences with our youngster just this morning. i'm in a similar funk, but i'm sitting in my cubicle instead of the basement.
Posted by: doubtfulldad | June 15, 2007 11:12 AM
Hey man, we've all been there. At least you didn't leave Elijah a voice-mail wherein you called him a rude, selfish little pig. You didn't leave him a voice-mail, did you?
Posted by: Garry | June 15, 2007 11:53 AM
No. He doesn't yet have voice mail.
Posted by: Neal | June 15, 2007 1:38 PM
I've said this before, but I swear that there's something about kids born in October of '02.
My daughter, Elijah and at least two of her other playmates born that same time period have similar dispositions: smart, can be very cute, but can also be a complete terror. My older son is nothing like this. Stress from 9/11? Something in the water in Austin in January?
Posted by: ttrentham | June 15, 2007 2:35 PM
You're going to encounter this more and more. It's disequilibrium.
There's a series of books called "Your [X]-Year-Old" that tends to be pretty good about anticipating what sort of crazy mood swings you can expect from your kid.
I kinda wish they had a "Your 35-Year-Old" book to rationalize my weirder moments.
Posted by: Stefan | June 15, 2007 4:05 PM
Read the L.A. Daily News article. Is your Franklin Hills pad near the In-N-Out Burger on Camrose? Those are some good burgers.
Congrats on the Offsprung recognition.
Posted by: PhillyD | June 16, 2007 4:27 AM
Neal-
I have two young kids (under 5) and I have bookmarked this entry of yours.
There are times when I completely melt down, lose my cool and feel like the worst dad on the planet.
I really appreciate your voice on experiences like this.
Posted by: middleageddad | August 16, 2007 12:12 PM