Saturday afternoon, because our couch is still on the back patio covered with a tarp, Regina and I were sitting in chairs in the living room, desperately hoping for the hours to pass until bedtime. We love our kid, obviously, but occasionally we just wish he'd hit the sack for a while. Elijah had no such interests, and he was running around doing productive work like throwing stuff at the dogs and singing a song he's written about a banana who rollerskates. It goes:

There was a banana who rollerskates
Sometimes he eats some evil apes...

And from there it just degenerates into nonsense.

At some point, while Regina and I stared at the wall numbly, Elijah approached, holding a green Candy Land game piece in his right hand. He placed it on his mother's right breast, pressed down, and lifted it up.

"BOING!" he said.

Then he did it again.

"BOING!"

And again.

"BOIIIIIIIING!"

"Elijah," I said. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm playing boing on mommy's breasts," he said.

"He can't do that, can he, Regina?" I asked.

It may seem strange that she didn't react. But honestly, the boy does so much weird shit all the time that the fact he was using his mom's boobs as a toy trampoline didn't really register. But every woman has her breaking point when it comes to a kid playing with her tits. Regina's is, apparently, three bounces. She snapped awake, and the mommy hammer came down.

"No, he cannot," she said. "And if he does it again, he will be punished."

Elijah moved the piece toward Regina's chest again, whispering boing boing boing.

"I'm serious, Elijah," she said. "These are mommy's private parts and you cannot play with them. It's not appropriate."

"But Shaq has breasts, too," Elijah said.

"Shaq does not have breasts," I said. "He's a boy."

Elijah came over to me with the piece, aiming it toward my chest.

Boing, he whispered. Boing boing boing.

He turned to Regina.

"Mommy?" he said. "Can I put this on Daddy's chest?'

"That's up to Daddy," she said.

"OK," I said. "But only if you let me watch the Dodger game later in peace."

"OK, Daddy," Elijah said. "I hope the Dodgers defeat the bad guys."

Here came the piece.

Boing. Boing. Boing.

Posted by at 12:05 PM | Permalink