On Saturday I took Elijah to Amoeba Records in Hollywood, to see a live performance by Spongebob and the Hi-Seas, who were promoting their album, "Best Day Ever." You know the rock-n-roll trend for kids has gone too far when America's most popular cartoon character can boast his own band, particularly when it's a really good band that's put out a record with Brian Wilson as a featured performer.

Along with us for the day was Elijah's friend Cinderella (not her real name). Regina dropped the three of us off at Amoeba, and then drove off for her peaceful afternoon of shopping for underwear and Liquid Plumbr at the Target in West Hollywood.

The store was packed with several hundred eight-to-twelve-year-olds, and their parents, all of whom seemed to know the words to every song. Elijah seemed a little disappointed that the actual cartoon characters were absent. But while it would have been fun to see Squidward play his clarinet live, it also might have grown old after a couple of numbers. Instead, there were eight adult humans on stage, fronted by Tom Kenny, who does Spongebob's voice. Kenny wore horn-rimmed glasses and a nice bowling-type shirt.

We got there a few minutes late, but we were in time to hear Kenny/Spongebob sing an ode to his tidy whities. Then the guy who does Plankton's voice came out and sang a song. Finally, a guy dressed as Spongebob came out and danced while Kenny and the band sang the album's title track.

Intermittently, I put Cinderella on my shoulders, and lifted Elijah up with my right arm. Then I put Cinderella in my left arm, and Elijah on my shoulders. This rotation kept my muscles from collapsing all at once. During rest minutes, they stood in the aisle and danced maniacally, even when the music wasn't playing. This caught the attention of some fat mohawked teenager, who began taking cell-phone video.

"That's the youngest mosh pit I've ever seen," he said.

When the moshers got tired, they sat on the floor at flipped through albums. We were located in the early letters of the alphabet section.

"Daddy," Elijah said, "is this a record about the ABCs?"

"No son," I said. "It's by a band called ABC."

"What's this one?" asked Cinderella.

"Abba," I said. "They have a kind of cheesy charm, but have been terribly overmarketed."

Elijah, meanwhile, had found some weird old Raggedy Ann and Andy spoken-word record. Cinderella's next discovery was a Dokken album. She found this too scary, and it drove her back into my arms.

As the final song ended, I took Elijah off my shoulders and put him down. He collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

"Dude," I said. "We have to move."

"I can't!" he said. "My legs hurt!"

I stood there with my arms crossed. Cinderella stood by my side, looking concerned. I thought Elijah was just faking it, possibly because there were so many kids in the house and he wasn't getting any attention.

Then I looked down the aisle and saw a girl, at least seven years old, who was also sobbing.

"Looks like we've got the same problem," her dad said.

"What problem?" I said.

"She was on my shoulders and her legs fell asleep."

Ah! My son wasn't faking it at all! He'd just lost all circulation to his legs! It was time for triage.

"Cinderella," I said. "Quick! Give Elijah a leg massage."

So she rubbed his calf while I went over his quads and hams. Then we did the other leg. Elijah soon forgot all about his pain.

We walked around the store. Elijah gazed in awe at all the colorful rock posters.

"What are those, daddy?" he asked.

"Those are posters for shows that bands have played in L.A."

"There are a lot of bands in the world!" he said.

"Yes there are," I said.

A nine-year-old, who was standing close by, heard our conversation. He approached.

"My friend has a band," he said.

"Really," I said.

"Mmm-hmm."

He obviously wanted to talk, so I indulged.

"What are they called?" I asked.

"I can't tell you," he said.

"Who am I going to tell?"

"Good point," he said.

He leaned in close and whispered, "Shipboard Romance."

"That's a good name."

"Yeah. I was the second drummer. But I quit because they wouldn't let me play."

"Probably wise."

"I'm looking for Black Sabbath posters," he said, out of nowhere.

"They must have some around here somewhere," I said.

"Yeah," he said. Then he started chanting the tune to Iron Man.

I turned around. Elijah and Cinderella were booking ass down the aisle.

"Gotta go," I said.

The kid went: Deh deh deh deh deh... This, then, was my future, or something like it. Meanwhile, I had to stop my present-day child from destroying the world-music section.

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