Today after school, I took Elijah to the Arclight, L.A.'s grand temple of contemporary moviegoing, to see Charlotte's Web. Elijah greatly admires the 1973 Hanna-Barbera cartoon. The new version, we both agree, is a better movie in most respects, though the voice work is bland by comparison, and we missed the songs. Then again, maybe it's for the best. The magnificent Paul Lynde/Agnes Moorhead duet would have been performed, in this version, by Steve Buscemi and Oprah Winfrey.

But I need not reveal any more of my inner middle-aged queen than necessary. The real story here is that Elijah and I spent an hour and a half hanging out in the Arclight lobby before the movie started. It was kind of chilly outside, and he wasn't really interested in rummaging through the stacks at Amoeba Records. So I tried to keep him busy.

First, we had some protein, and I found myself saying ridiculous things like, "Eat your hot dog or you don't get any popcorn." Then it was on to racing games. One route took us all around the upper floor atrium, down three flights of stairs, up those same three flights of stairs, and then all the way down the hall pass the snack stand. This tired me a bit, so our next race was to that "bench over there." Following that, we played "Only Step On The Squares With A Little Square Inside Them," counted to 100, and went a few rounds of "I Spy" before he got bored.

Finally, we toured the photographs. The current exhibit at the Arclight features large photos of superhero characters from Hollywood Boulevard as they go about mundane domestic tasks. Elijah was greatly amused by images of Wonder Woman taking out the garbage, Captain America working on his car, a gardening Incredible Hulk, and Spiderman hanging out his costumes to dry on his roof. One picture, however, disturbed him.

"Daddy?" he asked. "Why is Superman smoking?"

Sure enough, there was the Man Of Steel, running a vacuum in a room full of superhero memorabilia, and he had a ciggie between his lips.

"That's not Superman," I said. "It's an actor who plays Superman."

"But why is he smoking?"

"He probably had a rough day at work," I said.

"Oh."

"But listen, smoking is really bad for you and you shouldn't do it."

"It could kill you, right?"

"It almost definitely will kill you."

Pause.

"How do you know about smoking, anyway?" I said.

"I just do."

"Well, don't smoke cigarettes, or you'll die."

"OK, daddy," Elijah said. "I'm ready for popcorn now."

And thus our veritable smorgasbord orgasbord continued.

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