You will notice, when you click on the Appearances link above you, that I've announced my 2007 tour dates two weeks before Christmas, when no one is paying attention. With such self-promotional acumen, can the bestseller list be far behind?

We're looking to add a gig in New York, and there are still times and musical acts to be sorted out for certain events. But this is basically the schedule. Highlights include an appearance in Boston with Harry And The Potters, a "dance party" in Portland with Belinda and Hova from Greasy Kid Stuff, and reading pair-ups with Dan Savage and Beth Lisick.

These events will be lots of fun. I really hope to see you all on the road.

Now then, as I was sitting here writing this, I heard a shriek above me. A voice called out. It was Regina's voice.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"

She sounded very distressed. I whipped off my noise-reduction headphones and dashed up the stairs. It wasn't a long dash, since the stairs are about four feet from my desk.

There I saw Regina standing with an empty cup of coffee. The cup was empty because Regina had tripped, and now the coffee was now all over the wall, a bookshelf, the carpet, and several suitcases that Regina has contracted to decoratively paint.

"Great," I said. "Now we're never going to get our security deposit back."

"My work is ruined!" Regina said.

"No, it's not," I said. "The suitcases are wrapped in plastic."

"Would you help me clean it up?" she moaned.

What choice did I have?

Regina went and soaked two towels in cold water. As we scrubbed, I gave her words of encouragement.

"Doo de doo," I said. "I'm Regina. I'm walking up the stairs with my head up my own ass. Ohhhhh noooooo! I spilled my coffee! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp!"

"Stop making fun of me."

"What were you thinking about, anyway?"

"I was thinking about Elijah," she said. "Tonight's his first playdate without us."

It's true. Jojo's crew was picking Elijah up at school. We'd never entrusted anyone else to do this. Of course, Elijah couldn't wait for the big event.

"I won't be shy or naughty," he said to us before he went to bed the night before.

"Right," I said.

So as we cleaned the wall, Regina expressed her concerns about the playdate.

"I'm just worried that they're going to make a mess."

"You mean they might do something like spill coffee all over the wall?" I asked.

"Fuck off, Pollack," said my wife.

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