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November 9, 2006

Let The Truth Be Told

I've now watched five of the first six Phoenix Suns games, because four were on national broadcasts and one was against the Clippers, who found their home announcers, I believe, in the parking lot of a Von's. And since I've been watching the Suns win (and lose) 113-110 games since long before Leandro Barbosa's parents conceived him during a Carnaval orgy, I believe I'm uniquely qualified to comment. A few thoughts on the season thus far.

1. The NBA regular-season schedule is as random as a game of Candy Land. The Suns have now opened their season with six games in nine days, all against near-certain playoff teams. They've played back-to-back games three times, while other NBA teams have only played three games, total. The best team of all time (which the Suns are, admittedly, not), would have had a hard time going 3-3 under such conditions. Now they're going to finally get an easy game against Memphis, followed by six days off. They'd better win that Memphis game or else I'm gonna...I'm gonna...oh, I've got no leverage at all, dammit.

2. Complaints about the schedule aside, the Suns are reaping what they've sowed. They had a lousy offseason in which they failed to sign their best clutch shooter, replacing him with a surly headband-wearing backup point guard who had one good half-season for a losing team. And now they've made an emergency signing of Jalen Rose, who hasn't jumped at all since 2002. Perhaps Rik Smits will come out of retirement to help them plug the middle. On top of all that, they held their training camp in Europe, more specifically in Italy. As we learn in nearly every televised game, Mike D'Antoni is the greatest point guard in the history of Italian basketball. Well, perhaps Coach Pornstache rested a little too heavily on his Italian laurels in October, because this team looks unprepared and sluggish.

3. Boris Diaw, in particular, has sucked. He looks as though he had about ten too many helpings of puttanesca (which literally translates as "whore's sauce) while in "training camp". Nine million dollars a year for him to waddle his fat French ass around the court and not guard the other team's third-best shooter. Great move.

4. To continue slandering the French, the Suns appear to have adopted one of Diaw's national characteristics. In the immortal words of Groundskeeper Willie, they are playing like "cheese-eating surrender monkeys." It would be one thing if they were just losing tight games, and another if they were getting crushed, but they are blowing huge leads, night after night. At the ends of games, their opponents are swatting them away like they were gnats, or in Diaw's case, fat-assed French gnats.

5. I'm actually kind of enjoying the return of Amare Stoudemire. He's looking better and better each game. Evolving, if you will. That said, enough hip-check fouls in the last two minutes of the fourth quarter. Barkley never did that shit, or at least he never got called for it. Not even when he was 24.

6. Nash and Marion look really good, and so does Barbosa.

7. Did I mention that Boris Diaw sucks?

8. Did I mention that Coach Pornstache looks overmatched out there? I'm surprised. I thought he was some kind of a genius. Well, the rest of the league appears to have adjusted to our "seven seconds or less" boys. Come on, Coach! Throw a new wrinkle into the system! Pornstache Power!

9. To sum up our recent opponents: The Lakers, Clippers, Jazz, and Mavericks all look more poised and deeper than the Suns right now. The Spurs look like they could win the title blindfolded. Manu Ginobili is a flop-ass wussburger. Oh, lord. We're so fucked.

10. Please play better, Suns. Oh, please. I can't bear it.


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