The Pantsless Wonder
It's finally turned autumn here, which means Elijah can no longer wear shorts to school. He was already the last schoolyard holdout, proclaiming that "Hot Man never gets cold!" whenever we tried to pull a pair of jeans out of the laundry basket. But we've reached a point where it would be justified to call the authorities on us if we let him out of the house without some sort of leggings. The battle has been joined.
On Monday morning, a fly on the wall would have borne witness to me crawling under Elijah's bed to retrieve Elijah, who'd hidden there out of fear that the blue sweatpants we'd chosen for him would, in his words, "burn my legs off forever." Regina held his hands down while I forced the pants onto his kicking legs. He clawed at my face. Then, as soon as I got him into the car, he took the pants off.
Yesterday, the sweats were dirty, and we somehow dragooned him into a pair of navy-blue cords. As soon as I sat him in the car seat, he proclaimed that the cords had created an unusual effect.
"Bugs are eating my butt!" he screamed.
"Buts are not eating your butt," I said.
"Yes they are!"
Blubbering like an unanesthesized surgery patient, he wriggled out of his pants. When we got to school, I put the pants back on him, in the parking lot, while he howled maniacally. Regina picked him up a few hours later, and he immediately tore his pants off. This caused her to remove the carton of chocolate milk from his presence, which caused him to howl anew. Finally, Regina set up a new rule. From now on, Elijah isn't allowed to take off his pants in the car.
"Dude," she said. "You've got to stop being so crazy about the pants."
"Pants hurt me!" he said.
Here's the thing: Within a week, he'll be wearing pants every day, without complaint. Come April, when it's shorts time, we'll have the same battle, in reverse. And the magical carousel of life will continue its endless revolution.
Comments
Ah, the struggle continues, but something tells me that you don't pine for the days when he'd bite people.
Within a week, he'll have a new superhero persona based on wearing cords.
And in spring, just cut off the pants for instant & familiar no-trauma shorts.
Posted by: S. Ernster | November 29, 2006 5:49 PM
I guess with girls it's different. I just have to convince my 3-yr-old that these are her special fancy party princess pants, and she'll wear them. Works with everything.
The other thing that works is making everything a race. I tell her i'm going to put on her pants before she will and she races to do it first (works for getting in the car, going to potty, etc)
Posted by: Eric | November 30, 2006 7:03 AM
There is a certain logic to "Hotman never gets cold!"
Posted by: Steve Steward | November 30, 2006 10:28 AM
Wow, parenting has seriously changed.
Had I ever behaved that way, I would have been swatted, sent to my bedroom for an hour or two, then made to read aloud to my parents from great expectations while standing (or some other suitably difficult and boring book (to a 5 year old).
I am not so sure the 'new' way is better.
Posted by: dickrebel | December 1, 2006 7:47 AM
The problem is that it's not merely bad behavior. When he behaves badly, like refusing to clean up his toys or dumping food on the floor, he gets sent to his room. This is just some weird tic, and when he gets punished for his weird tics, it's ineffective. Believe me, we've tried...
Posted by: Neal Pollack | December 1, 2006 8:54 AM
The new way isn't better, only different. Advertently or inadvertently we've empowered a few generations of kids to make too many choices early on. In a way, we've robbed them of childhood.
But we don't need to get so heavy about the pants thing.
This is just another battle of wills in a long, epic battle - if and when he gets cold enough, Elijah will wear the trousers (er, pants), especially if he thinks you don't care one way or the other. This is one confrontation you can afford to "lose."
Posted by: Been there done that | December 1, 2006 10:13 AM
If we as a society weren't so prudish and weird about these kinds of things, my tactic would definitely be to let him go to school in his underpants, letting him know the pants were available in his backpack if he changed his mind. "Super idea! Go to school in your underpants, Elijah! You might get teased by the other kids and freeze, but don't let that bother you!" After a few minutes of being teased or getting cold outside, he'd likely decide he would like to wear some pants. I've found that not offering any resistance to kick against often results in them deciding to comply on their own because they are then exercising their own will, their whole goal. I realize the teachers would raise their eyebrows at a child without pants and this tactic, which is too bad...My mom used this approach on us, and I can say it was very effective. When we would "run away", she packed us a lunch and wished us well. We never made it past the driveway.
Posted by: Mieke | December 1, 2006 2:22 PM
yes, !! They won't get into the bath, they won't get out of the bath, they won't get dressed, they won't get undressed, if only they wouldn't get out of the bed some mornings so early!!
Posted by: meika | December 2, 2006 2:49 PM
I teach seventh grade at an independent school, and I have students who insist on wearing shorts in freezing weather (much colder than what you probably experience in your location).
I figure that it's self-punishing behavior, but if they are more comfortable in shorts, then so what? I certainly do not think this is an earth-shattering issue. Pooping in the potty--not a negotiable subject. Pants vs. shorts? Perhaps.
I'd pack a pair of sweatpants big enough to go over his shorts in his school bag and let him freeze if he chooses. Or, let his teachers impose whatever consequences there are for not dressing properly (playing outdoors is for those who are dressed warmly).
My students who insist on shorts generally have extreme sensitivities to their clothes, and to noises and crowds. Elijah might be the same.
Posted by: kate | December 3, 2006 4:53 PM
Buts are not eating his butt. Good one.
Posted by: FarmStein | December 4, 2006 9:44 AM
This is really funny, my 4.5yr. old son has the same dilemna, no pants, they are made out of sand...it's now December and he still won't change his shorts. He also insists on wearing sandals. This is his standard public appearance, at home he is a member of a nudist colony(he and his 2 year old brother). NAKED TIME! I keep buying pants-apparently i keep buying the wrong ones- and shoes, keep them with me, but alas no avail...My oldest boy is soon 8, he was rather particular at this age too...
Posted by: Tina | December 15, 2006 4:41 AM
Wearing shorts in any conditions you feel comfortable, is provenly a serious minority right. Any schools that are against it are violating this - while of course in some places there are schools that actually impose it on the unwilling and I call that abuse.
But anyway, the textural sensitivity to clothes that has been described, is a feature of attention deficit, Asperger syndrome, Tourette syndrome, dyspraxia. Which related conditions have in this generation (wish it was last generation, being 38) won their fight for recognition.
I as an adult assert the medical right to stay in shorts, quite modest-length ones, including right now for some outdoor work. In Edinburgh.
Posted by: maurice | January 11, 2007 7:54 AM