Requiem For A Dream
I seem to have a penchant for attending my favorite teams' postseason funerals. In May, I was on hand as the Phoenix Suns fell to the Mavericks in Game Six of the Western Conference Finals. And I was in Dodger Stadium on Saturday evening as the Mets finished their steamrolling of the Blue. There was a substantial difference between the two affairs. The Suns were injury-plagued underdogs who battled their hearts out, barely falling to a barely superior opponent. The Dodgers were also injury-plagued, but they seemed disinterested and disheartened the entire series. Jeff Kent and J.D. Drew's historical baserunning blunder wasn't causal, but symptomatic. If a team can't overcome the loss of Joe Beimel, it doesn't deserve to win.
So I was in Section 10 of the reserve level, fairly high up, but right on the first-base line. There are worse seats. Like the rest of the desperate 55,000, I tried to will my team to win. And when we briefly took a 5-4 lead in the 5th, I exulted. Maybe there's one miracle left in the tank, said the fan of the team that had Marlon Anderson batting third and playing left field.
The lead in the bag, I went to take a whiz.
I've never seen such a bathroom atmosphere. I entered shouting "Let's Go Dodgers!" and everyone else was whooping equally. Unzipping my jeans, I stood at the trough, but it's hard to piss in public when surrounded by screaming beer-soaked behemoths. I froze, zipped back up, and went to get in line at the stalls.
A couple of minutes passed before I got my private toilet, which by the midpoint of a playoff game was looking a little worse for the wear. Vomiting occurred to me. As I uncorked my yellow stream, the chant went up.
"FUCK THE METS! FUCK THE METS! FUCK THE METS!"
I didn't really hate the Mets, but I joined in, mostly because there's nothing like being in a public bathroom reverberating with a chant of "FUCK THE METS!" Then the phrase changed. Someone began chanting culatos! Culatos!
Soon the entire bathroom was doing it.
"CULATOS! CULATOS! CULATOS!"
My knowledge of Spanglish isn't great, but I believe that culato, loosely translated, means "pussy." It was archetypally L.A. to be in the can while people chanted this, but that's when I knew the team was doomed. Carlos Delgado may be a lot of things, but he's no pussy. And sure enough, by the time I got back to my seat Shawn Green was on second. A couple of batters later, the lead was gone.
Green may have been a culato when he played for the Dodgers, but that's because we had him hitting cleanup. The Mets, on the other hand, could afford to bat him seventh. And thus we got swept in the playoffs. Again. Denial gave way to anger, and on toward acceptance. Finally, it turned to relief as I realized that I won't have to watch Julio Lugo next year.
The Suns look like they're going to be pretty good this season, don't they?
Comments
omg, the Dodgers ended up with Lugo? of all the Astros that have been allowed to walk away (actually, Lugo was pushed) - Kile, Abreu, Wagner, um, that center fielder for the Mets - Lugo is the one that nobody regrets.
Posted by: paperpusher | October 11, 2006 6:25 AM
It's spelled culado, and I think you may have accidentally gotten swept up in a gay-bashing mob. These things happen.
Posted by: Eric | October 11, 2006 7:21 AM
That was another thing I considered. But I wanted to give the fans the benefit of the doubt.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | October 11, 2006 8:14 AM
The Suns, despite giving up a 22-point lead in yesterday's pre-season game against the 76ers, do look pretty good. But I'm still nervous about Amare. Every day it seems like another story in the AZ Republic about at least one of his knees being sore. Is he still having physical issues, or is he having a hard time overcoming his fear of continued injury? That seems an important question for this season. Of course, I could just be overly concerned, but I live in Phoenix, and graduated from ASU, so they are the only hope I have for a championship team for a long time to come.
Posted by: Jeremy | October 11, 2006 4:15 PM
With the loss of Tim Thomas, who did they get for a sharpshooter?
Posted by: Anonymous | October 12, 2006 9:12 AM
They picked up Marcus Banks from the T-Wolves, because, you know, they needed ANOTHER guard.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | October 12, 2006 11:34 AM
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