Hideous Stinky
I returned home from the bookstore the other night with two little presents for Elijah: William Kotzwinkle's classic Walter The Farting Dog, and one of its sequels, Walter The Farting Dog: Trouble At The Yard Sale. Elijah, like every other human on earth, finds farting funny. These are the funniest and most charming farting books for kids around.
The next morning, I woke up about an hour after everyone else.
"Daddy," Regina said, "Elijah has a question for you."
"What?" I said.
"Why did you get me books about farting?" he asked.
"Because I think they're funny."
"No," he said. "It's because you're the stinkiest man in the world."
Sure, I can lay down some nasty ones, and occasionally it's dusk before I shower, but I still took offense.
"There are a lot of men in the world," I said. "There's no way I'm the stinkiest."
"You're the stinkiest man in our neighborhood," he said.
"What about the old guy down the street with all the garbage on his porch?"
"He's pretty stinky," Elijah admitted.
"OK," Regina said. "How about this: You're the stinkiest aging literary hipster who used to write for McSweeneys."
"Maybe..."
She continued, immediately reversing herself.
"What about that guy who wrote Lemon? He's probably pretty stinky, and he did live in France."
"That's a stereotype."
"Or the long-haired dude who wrote the book about dogs. Whatever happened to him?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "You know, this is kind of a pointless debate."
With the issue unsettled, I read Walter The Farting Dog to Elijah. Afterward, he sat on my stomach.
"You have a fat belly," he said.
"I do not," I replied.
He started poking me.
"It's hard!" he said.
"I do situps."
"What are situps?"
I wanted to answer him. But instead, I let out a huge fart. A few seconds passed. Elijah began wagging his hand in front of his face. He climbed off me and ran into the other room.
"Mommy!" he said. "Daddy smells like old chicken!"