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September 24, 2006

Doing It Kitty-Style

On Saturday, I took Elijah to the zoo, to which we have a yearly membership. This is fortunate. Otherwise, I'd get pretty annoyed at Elijah. He only wants to go to the zoo to eat popcorn. After that, he starts begging to go home.

"No," I said this weekend. "We're at the zoo, and we will see some animals."

Soon we arrived, after much slogging up and down hills, at the lion pit. A large crowd had gathered, and with good reason. The male lion was preparing to mount the female. Apparently, she didn't like the position, because she roared and snapped at him. Yet he persisted, following her around a tree, licking her butt the whole way. Finally, the female sprawled down, belly up, as if to say, "Take me, Aslan."

Then the lion king climbed aboard, thrust four or five times, roared orgasmically, and trotted off, looking satisfied.

"What are the lions doing?" Elijah asked.

"Making a baby."

"Is that how you and mommy made me?"

"It was a little less spontaneous than that. And it took even less time. But the basic mechanics were the same..."

On a previous visit to the zoo, Elijah and I witnessed the magnificent spectacle of a giraffe peeing in another giraffe's mouth. Now we'd seen lions fucking. What marvel awaits us during our next visit? A mountain goat getting a Dirty Sanchez? A crocodilian Cleveland Steamer? A tamarin gang bang? What will I tell him then?

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Comments

Crocodilian Cleveland Steamer is actually the name of my new pop-punk band.

When my son was Elijah's age, the LA Zoo was all about vending machine Cheetos.

We never saw any hot animal-on-animal action, but we did see gorillas flinging feces. Whee.

My favorite zoo memory was watching hippos through a glass wall at the Colorado Springs zoo. They were just floating in the tank, not doing anything. We were just about to move on when one of the hippos took the most immense dump I've ever seen, right in the face of another hippo. It was a torpedo launch. The fact that it was all underwater -- giving the solid turd a colloidal envelope of filthy water -- made it all the more electrifying an experience. The event still comes up in conversation at family get-togethers.

I've seen gorillas pee in each other's mouths. That was special. The best part was that the pee-ee was really enjoying it.

When we lived in San Diego, the most amorous inhabitants in the zoo seemed to be the giant tortoises. We went pretty often and nearly every time, there would be hot tortoise-on-tortoise action, sometimes with several paired off in the same enclosure in a surreal turtle orgy. And they're loud! The males would grunt to beat the band, despite the fact that they are as still as a photograph while they're getting it on.

Or maybe I'm thinking of a scene from Eyes Wide Shut (insert rimshot here).

Wow... if you click on the words "giraffe peeing into another giraffe's mouth" (and who doesn't click on these words when noticing them underlined?) it takes you to a post praising my books! Thanks, Neal! Um, I think.

My fiancee and I are huge zoophiles, or something like that. The point is that we go to zoos whenever we get the chance. We've seen ibis, tortoises, penguins, and plenty of other beasties bumping nasties. We've seen countless onanistic monkeys (including one giving himself a pearl necklace). I'm even able to do a pretty decent tortoise mating call, which drives the males nuts. Not really my goal in life, but one plays with the cards on is dealt. Superman got x-ray vision; I got to make tortoises horny for my superpower.

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