Wetting The Deck
Even by the standards of The World's Most Disorganized Aquatic Center, Elijah's current session of swim classes has been a chaotic disaster. The original teacher came down with an eye infection. His replacement went off to college after three days. Then came two days where teachers were getting pulled from other classes to teach this one. Add to the mix a five-year-old boy who spends half the class on the deck, howling for his mommy, and you this all equals my son not really learning how to swim.
Yesterday, Attachement Boy attempted to drag Elijah under the water and hold him there while the lifeguard stood by and did nothing. I rescued my son and called the teacher's attention to the fact that one of her students was trying to drown another. She disciplined them limply. Once that got settled, I turned back to my conversation with a mom who I'd met at the pool and had subsequently befriended.
This mom told me the story of how she recently had to fire her babysitter because her babysitter took the kids back to her house to let them play with her pit bull, and then told the kids to lie about it. Parenthood is nothing but constant disappointment and paradise lost. I relayed some of my own tales of middle-class woe. For fifteen minutes, we discussed the difficulties of raising a white child in a gentrifying urban neighborhood.
"But you know, I should be grateful," said the mom. "I don't have any problems that can't be fixed by money."
"Yeah," I said, while thinking, I've got problems that would probably make your problems seem like orgasms. This was proven true immediately as our kids got out of the pool. She and I made nice talk about how we should get the families together sometime.
"Oh my goodness!" she said.
I turned around, and Elijah was peeing all over the pool deck.
"Elijah!" I shouted. "Stop peeing!"
"Heh, heh, heh," Elijah said.
And thus it came to pass that I found myself uselessly grasping for my son's penis as he uncorked publicly. None of the other parents said anything at all. Maybe they were judging me silently. Or maybe they just had their own problems.
Comments
With the number of "heh,heh hehs" Elijah keeps throwing around lately, he ought to invent a new villain he can play. Superheroes don't laugh like that. Plus, villains are more interesting, as a rule...
Posted by: Mark Sebastian | August 17, 2006 8:56 PM
Hey, at least he wasn't giving some other little boy a golden shower. Look for the silver lining, man.
Posted by: S. Ernster | August 18, 2006 4:18 AM
anybody else wondering if "S. Ernster" came by this site by googling "peeing+gentrifying+urban+neighborhood"? Just kidding. question posed to the group: when, if ever, is it okay to encourage your child to pee in the body of water (be it pool, lake, ocean, etc.?
Posted by: marcus | August 18, 2006 10:19 AM
Surely you could teach the child to quietly pee in the pool?
Posted by: Dick Durata | August 18, 2006 11:15 AM
marcus:
anybody else wondering if "S. Ernster" came by this site by googling "peeing+gentrifying+urban+neighborhood"?
Actually, it was a GIS for "pollock+babysitter+paradise lost." I keed.
Posted by: S. Ernster | August 18, 2006 4:06 PM
I nanny for two girls who are being potty trained. At swimming lessons last week, their mom insisted that no swim diaper was needed. Toward the end of the session, the three year old sparked a caddyshack style poo incident except it was the real deal. I wish sweet corn hadn't been on sale at the farmers' market.
Posted by: allison | August 19, 2006 8:36 AM
A friend of ours woke up to the sound of her two year old peeing on her face. Apparently, Daddy changed him in the middle of the night, but forgot to put on a new diaper before putting his jammies back on. Doh!
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