Forest Camp: The Adventure Continues
Today's craft suited me much better. The teacher passed out a picture of undersea life, because this was kelp forest day, and the kids were supposed to color. Amazingly, many of the moms in the class took the pictures away from their kids and did the work themseleves. Are their lives so empty, I thought, that they have to do their kids' craft projects for them? Does it really matter whether the fish are colored properly or not? And here I thought that the uber-mom was a near-extinct breed. Good god, this class is full of the beasts.
My attitude translated to Elijah's project. He scribbled on the page with brown crayon for about five seconds. Then he grabbed a scissors from the project box, along with a stray sheet of paper, and dove under the table. The mother next to me made a "tsk" sound.
"Elijah doesn't set much of an example," I said good-naturedly.
But whereas a normal person would say, "oh, he's just being a kid," this woman turned to her son and said, "That's OK. My Roger knows what he's not supposed to do. Isn't that right, Roger?"
I thought, yeah, lady, it's so goddamned awful that my son is sitting under a table. Screw you. When Elijah emerged, this mom decided it was time to show off Roger's extensive knowledge of undersea life.
"What kind of fish is that, Roger?" she asked.
"A garibaldi," Roger said.
"Good boy."
I could match her. Elijah knows hundreds of types of fish, and has for a while.
"What kind of fish is that, Elijah?" I said, pointing to a difficult example that I was certain he could identify.
"Poo poo fish," he said.
Great.
"Roger used to call things poo-poo," said the mom. "When he was two."
A foul blackness descended over my soul.
"He used to think it was so funny. But he and his friends all know now that there are different ways to be funny. What do you say now instead of poo-poo, Roger?"
"Silly fish," Roger said.
Oh, yeah, Roger. I thought. You're hilarious.
"Poo poo fish," Elijah said again.
"That's right, Elijah," I said. "That's a poo poo fish."
To end this delightful triptych, it came up during class that kelp is a kind of seaweed, and that seaweed is used to make sushi, because I guess it's impossible to bring up seaweed among the social class of people who can afford to send their kids to forest camp without also bringing up sushi. I made one last attempt at making nice with Roger's mom. God knows why.
"You're from Pasadena, right?" I said.
"Uh-huh," she said.
"We've taken Elijah to that place where there's sushi on the boats. You know, on Colorado Boulevard. He has fun."
"Oh," she said. "We don't think that place has enough vegetarian options, do we Roger?"
"No," Roger said.
"We're vegetarians."
Lucky you, I thought.
"But I know that some people like it there."
I thought: All right, you condescending, pathetic, Gen-X suburban house wench. You're gonna get it now.
"Elijah eats shrimp," I said. "With the heads on."
I leaned toward her and whispered, so I wouldn't offend little Roger's delicate sensibilities.
"And he fucking loves it. He even eats the eyes."
Elijah had my back.
"The eyes are yummy and squishy," he added.
I don't think we'll be having a playdate with Roger anytime soon.
Comments
Oh, that's SO beautiful. Score at least two for you and Elijah each. I work in a public library and I swear to God, if I have to help one more parent do their child's homework ("Hi, my son needs books on the Nez-Perce tribe. I think he needs something with lots of pictures I can color-photocopy for him at Kinko's") there I will run screaming from the building. Just thought you should know what those types of parents graduate to doing after they're done coloring their children's fish pictures.
Posted by: Sarah | August 3, 2006 9:01 AM
Are they going to win? The Roger's moms of the world (and the adult Rogers)? They have more money and own all the land.
The revolution can't come soon enough.
Posted by: Tim | August 3, 2006 11:22 AM
Poor Roger. He's in for a long, miserable childhood, followed by years of therapy.
Posted by: heather | August 3, 2006 12:30 PM
I don't think the Rogers win at all. In my experience, people with mothers like that end up crippled by the fear of imperfection and/or one of those people who expects everything handed to them because they "deserve" it. On the other hand, I suspect Elijah will be fun and interesting when he grows up, and have far more friends.
Posted by: Audrey | August 3, 2006 1:14 PM
Roger is a psuedonym, by the way.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | August 3, 2006 1:33 PM
I feel sorry for Roger's future spouse. Mom will probably be supervising the wedding night.
Posted by: LL | August 3, 2006 2:26 PM
Do you think it's possible Roger's mom has her own blog, and all of her friends right now are commenting things like "The nerve of that hairy Semite!"?
Posted by: troy | August 4, 2006 8:01 AM
Thank you (and your boy) for making me laugh out loud today. Forest camp needs a few more like you.
Posted by: Brian Wilson | August 4, 2006 9:21 AM
Is poo poo fish anything like fugu fish?
Poo poo fish is funny and I'm 35.
Posted by: Terry | August 4, 2006 11:27 AM
hahah -- perfect!
Posted by: Caryn | August 4, 2006 2:13 PM
People like Roger's mom are lonely and insecure. I go to a lot of playgroups with my little guy, and I encounter women like this all the time. Meh. You can't take them personally.
Posted by: Tammy | August 4, 2006 10:25 PM
neal pollack. your son looks like a cherub. i found the need to tell you that at 12 in the morning.
Posted by: Anonymous | August 5, 2006 12:40 AM
re: "Are they going to win? The Roger's moms of the world (and the adult Rogers)? They have more money and own all the land."
Think again, my friend. The Roger's Mom's of the world make six figures, spend 20% more than they gross impressing upon people that they have money, save next to nothing, and hang most of their self worth on being able to buy rapidly depreciating goods or teach their kids to mimic their own class-insecure perfectionism. If they own land it has their primary residence sitting atop, and they've probably already been bitten by the re-finance bug. The people with the land and the money would be far more interested in talking with Pollack in that scenario as opposed to alienating a new person who has been put in their path. I mean, if only to share a laugh about how the day's going.
That Roger's Moms of the world make my heart break and my skin crawl.
t
Posted by: tommy | August 5, 2006 2:02 PM
I think Roger's mom must know the mom that sent me this mass e-mail to her entire address list today, many of whom I believe have never met her daughter (names changed, but all else unedited):
Dear Friends,
Once again, Sarah is going to sleepaway camp at Camp T**** this Sunday for 2 weeks. Please start writing letters now or a quick card so she
will receive mail even at the first mail call.
Last year, she came home with a suitcase packed with mail! She reported only one day of mail call with no mail for her!
I'd like to break that record and have mail every day for this sweetie of mine.
I'm real grateful in advance.
Love,
Janice
Posted by: Mieke | August 6, 2006 10:00 PM
Write her a letter right now, in red ink, scrawled like a madman, that sez "Don't fall asleep."
Posted by: Tim | August 7, 2006 10:33 AM
This was one of your better stories of late. People who are pompous deserve everything they get.
Posted by: Muskie | August 7, 2006 12:56 PM
This was one of your better stories of late. People who are pompous deserve everything they get.
Posted by: Muskie | August 7, 2006 12:56 PM
Ah, sanctimonious hausfrau. She brings a bit of Swift to mind (forgive quotation from memory):
Give others wealth, power, and station: 'Tis all on me an usurpation. I have no title to aspire, Yet when you sink, I seem the higher.
Next time, hand her a wadded up napkin while saying, "Here, I think you dropped your sense of humor."
Posted by: Bepah Benoweh | August 7, 2006 7:40 PM
That's good stuff. Always fun to see people living up to that Pasadena stereotype.
(I also like the one comment from the person who was still up at 12 in the morning. That's AM! Practically midnight. You attract quite a bohemian crowd, Pollack.)
Posted by: Rob | August 16, 2006 10:43 AM
Roger will be a fine gay playwright living in NYC, after he gets the drug and alcohol and abusive boyfriend phase over with.
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