The Price Of Salt
The day was going so well. Regina and I spent the morning and the afternoon in the house, working in harmony, staying out of each other's way. The good career news fairy has been visiting us lately.
Then we went to Elijah's school, for a conference with his teacher. It was supposed to last fifteen minutes, but it only went seven. There was little to discuss. Elijah, according to his teacher, is a very special kid, a natural leader with a great sense of humor who is very smart and curious and plays equally well with boys and girls. Also, we learned that he likes to play with dolls, though only, he later informed us, when they're "naked."
The harmony continued when we returned home, though that may have been because we were so pleased with Elijah's good report that we took him out for ice cream after school. Regina and Elijah did watercolors. I took Hercules to the dog park, where he cavorted with a Golden Retriever.
Later, while Elijah watched a video, I fondled Regina in the kitchen, and it seemed a sure thing that we would make the nik-nik tonight. Until something horrible happened.
I lost the salt shaker.
Just after dinner, there was some confusion. I found myself having to run Elijah's bath, watch the All-Star Game, and eat the leftover rice from the pot, though only the first of those three were under the watchful eye of my commandant wife. The rice, I decided, could use a little salt. At some point, while simultaneously operating in three rooms, I left the shaker somewhere. The last I remember, it was on Elijah's bedpost. And then it was gone.
I tried to tell Regina that the salt shaker had gone missing, but she didn't understand.
"It'll turn up," she said.
After the typical evening of trying to put Elijah to sleep, during which he got up twice to pee, once to poop, once because he'd thrown his socks behind his bed, and once because he claimed the cat was bothering him, Regina and I settled down to watch The 40-Year-Old Virgin on HBO. We'd seen it before, but we were too lazy to approach new material. Popcorn seemed mandatory.
"Where's the salt?" Regina said.
"I told you, I lost it."
At this point, since the boy was asleep, the conversation turned a little Deadwood.
"What the fuck do you mean, you lost the fucking salt?"
"I tried to fucking tell you earlier!"
"That's a nice fucking salt shaker, full of nice fucking salt."
"I didn't fucking do it on purpose!"
"Where was the last place you had it?"
"Um. Maybe in Elijah's room."
"Neal," Regina said. "Why did you take the salt shaker into Elijah's room?"
"Because I was trying to eat some rice?"
"You're an idiot."
"I am not an idiot."
"You know Elijah hid the salt shaker somewhere."
As for my previous plans for the evening, it's 11:40 PM, and I'm blogging fully clothed. Something about looking for a salt shaker in your child's room while your child is asleep dampens the erotic mood around the house. And so we come to the end of another working day.
Comments
I stopped being amazed at the trivial things married couples could fight about after I got into an argument with my wife over the baby's missing sock. All I have to say is thank God for weed, 11:00 SportsCenter and masturbation.
Posted by: MetroDad | July 12, 2006 6:38 AM
I'm pretty sure you should be thankful Elijah didn't EAT the salt shaker. You know, if he didn't.
Posted by: troy | July 12, 2006 7:26 AM
That argument almost sounds like dirty talk. A little finesse could perhaps turn those tables next time.
Posted by: Tim | July 12, 2006 10:30 AM
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault.
Posted by: G Thorn | July 12, 2006 12:58 PM
Ha! I was certain that this story was going to end with Elijah having ingested the salt shaker.
Posted by: katie | July 12, 2006 2:57 PM
"As for my previous plans for the evening, it's 11:40 PM, and I'm blogging fully clothed."
Look on the bright side, Neal: At least you weren't blogging at 11:40 PM, completely naked, thus making you That Guy.
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