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July 6, 2006

Inexplicable Morning Meltdown Of The Week

Elijah and I were having a lovely conversation as I drove him to school this morning. Lately, he's been spending a lot of mental time comparing sizes of cities based on how many "teams" they have, meaning professional sports teams.

"Austin is little," he said. "It doesn't have any teams."

"Right," I said.

"L.A. has four teams! The Dodgers, the Angels, the Evil Lakers, and the Clips."

"As I taught you."

"Phoenix doesn't have any teams."

"It does, actually."

"Oh," he said. "The Phoenix Suns."

"Right," I said, not considering the Diamondbacks worth an explanation. Elijah replied,

"Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, and Avocado."

That was the moment his brain short-circuited.

"Avocado isn't a city," I said.

"What city did I say?"

"Did you mean Chicago?"


Holy shit.

At that moment, I made the mistake of driving onto the freeway.


"I can't turn around," I said. "I'm on the freeway."


By this point, he'd begun to shake his head from side to side. He was in full sob. The nonsequiturs fell in concurrence with his tears.


We refer to vitamins as "vitamin candy."

"You can have it after school."


All this because, in January 2002, my wife and I made sweet, magical love for two minutes one afternoon in a rundown townhouse in a transitional neighborhood just north of downtown Philadelphia. I felt sorry for the kid. He didn't ask to be born crazy. It's just in his genes.

However, I stopped feeling sorry for him when he threw his shoes at me.

"GODDAMN IT!" I said. "Jesus Christ impaled on a toothpick! I'm trying to drive here!"


"Elijah, I understand that you're very sad right now. I'm sad all the time, too. The world is a horrible place. But you do not throw your shoes at me while I'm driving!"

He sniffled.

"OK," he said.

"Are you calm now?"


A pause.

"Are snakes nice?" he asked.



Really? January 2003? That sounds too late. You sure it wasn't 2002?

BTW, love your blog. Someone in CT reads it. Just thought you'd like to know.

I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed reading the (mis)adventures of you and your son. I am a new mom looking forward to the world of temper tantrums and nonsequitors.

That was hilarious.

I've often thought it, but now it's official: if we were to put your son in a playroom with my four-year-old boy, the combined forces of their cuteness and neuroses might just create some sort of Tesla death ray effect, causing craters to form halfway across the world and doorknobs to explode in Outer Mongolia.

Though my son usually waits until the evening hours, when he gets tired, to pitch that kind of fit.

Hey NP - best Elijah works this freeway/traffic problem out now. I have a grown sister here in OR who grinds her teeth and wishes she was Hot Woman when she has to take an interstate - pretty terrifying. I tremble when I have to ride with her.
Looks like you are developing WOM in advance of Alternadad - will there be a CD, too? Your old pigs want to know.
Rock on...

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