Here Comes Elijah, He's Wearing A Skirt
When I picked Elijah up at school on Monday, he was loudly declaring, "I'm Superman!" This disease has been afflicting many of America's children, who are, apparently, susceptible to billboard advertising, at least until they see Kate Bosworth try to act. But I can't get on Elijah too much, especially when he tells me that "Superman has lots of powers. He's very strong, like you, daddy." I feel sorry for a kid who has to consider me the big strong man in his life, but I find his opinion flattering nonetheless.
Still, I hope this Superman phase withers. Elijah's actual superhero, Hot Man, has developed an amazing new power that has the Man Of Steel beat. I'll let Elijah describe it for you:
"I can take the shirts off of people with my eyes and then I have a machine in my entire body, and I can turn those shirts into hot energy that makes me very strong and turns people into vanilla ice cream. "
Take that, Lex Luthor!
On this day I discovered that Hot Man/Superman had invited himself, and, by extension, me, to a playdate at a classmate's house. The playdate would consist of me, Elijah, two little girls, a nanny, and a mommy. Sadly, I had nothing better to do. It would be another sexy afternoon in my sexy life.
I sat on a green chair in a lawn overlooking the Silver Lake Reservoir. We ate juice popsicles. There was a kiddie pool. Elijah removed his pants to reveal that he'd left his underwear at school. How this had happened, and why, I couldn't quite figure. Something about a hose, or poop. It sounded a bit like an enema to me, so I didn't inquire further.
He got into the pool, and his shorts got wet. We decided that wouldn't do. So the mommy went inside, tossed the shorts in the drier and returned with orange shorts, which she pronounced "unisex."
We went into the house. Elijah immediately removed his orange shorts and began running around naked. I put his shirt on him. It was a purple shirt that bore a swordfish logo. Soon after, we went upstairs into the little girl's room. The mom appeared with a pair of tight bicycle shorts. They were in a zebra-stripe pattern, except pink-and-black instead of white-and-black. Elijah put these on.
"Look at my cool shorts, daddy!" he said.
"They look good on him," the mom said.
"I wish it weren't true," I said.
Back downstairs, the girls pulled a couple of fairy wands out of a toybox. Elijah declared that he, too, wanted a fairy wand. Fortunately, there were extras. The girls ran around saying "Bippity-Boppity-Boo!" Elijah, who's not familiar with Cinderella, just said "Boo!" over and over again. To add to the confusion, somewhere on a stereo, Winter Wonderland was playing. In June. In Los Angeles. I felt my testicles shrivel to the size of macadamia nuts.
My thoughts drifted back a couple of weeks, to when Regina and I took Elijah and his best boy friend, Sean, to Dodger Stadium. Sean is different than Elijah in that he can actually catch and throw a ball without getting distracted by imaginary butterflies. He's a great Dodger fan. At age three, he knows all the players, their positions, and where they fall in the batting order. One moment especially came to mind. The Dodgers were threatening.
"There are runners at the corners," Sean said. "First and third."
"You're right," I said.
"Nomar is batting."
"Also correct."
"Nomar is good with runners in scoring position. Especially after the 7th inning."
"Absolutely true."
I looked at Elijah. He had a rubber snake in one hand and a plastic baseball cup full of ice cream in the other hand. He was dipping the snake into the ice cream.
"Look at me, daddy!" he said. "My snake is hiding."
I wasn't exactly Jack Armstrong, All-American Boy myself when I was a kid. If anyone knows how to handle a son who enjoys running around in pink and black zebra bicycle shorts and a purple shirt while waving a magic wand, it's me. But it would be nice if my kid knew the name of the Dodgers' catcher (Russell Martin). He doesn't have to know his batting average or anything.
Back at the playdate, I referenced the William Wants A Doll song from Free To Be You And Me, another sure sign that I'm the appropriate dad for this kid. I may know a lot about sports, but I also know all the lyrics to all the songs from Annie. As the afternoon ended, the mom offered to let Elijah keep the shorts. Her daughter, she said, never wore them. I accepted the offer, but somehow the shorts stayed up in the little girl's room. Elijah hasn't asked after them since, so I think we're safe.
Comments
My dad used to take my deer hunting in a pathetic attempt to toughen me up. Each time he would wake me at 4a.m., put me in a deer stand and fill me with coffee until I became horribly nauseated, to the point that I inevitably had to lean over the deer stand and puke my guts out(usually while screaming "Huhnnn!!!" and gagging uncontrollably for an additional 30 minutes afterwards, scaring off every deer, chipmunk and grub worm within a 10 mile radius).
Anyway. I guess that point is that now I'm gay. Gay as hell.
Posted by: matt | July 5, 2006 5:20 AM
Does that mean I should let my sister-in-law go ahead and buy my son the Dora backpack and umbrella?
Also, how has no studio optioned Hot Man yet?
Posted by: troy | July 5, 2006 7:07 AM
the hilarity continues to ensue and it is FABULOUS.
Posted by: jessica | July 5, 2006 9:10 AM
I live in Austin (where we have no professional teams). There is a phenomenon here where boys are wearing toenail polish. It bothered me at first but I have gotten used to it. I remember once Raleigh asking me why it had to come off. "it just does I said".
Last weekend we went to the lake with several families and about 15 kids. My two boys had toenail polish on and I was unconcerned. No one said a word about it... and these other boys are from South Carolina and Washington State. Is this a nationwide shift that is taking place?
Posted by: Mike Berryman | July 7, 2006 7:44 AM
I think it's not a nationwide trend, exactly, but I think it's a "lesser of several evils" thing. As in, my boy occasionally expresses interest in wearing my clothes, including my shoes, and he occasionally expresses an interest in princess stuff, and so when I'm painting my own toenails and he says, "I want to paint mine too!" -- I think to myself, oh what the hell. But I generally steer him towards the BLUE nail polishes :)
Besides, there are ADULT (or at least, teen-aged) men who wear toenail polish -- usually black is their color of choice, however.
The rest of the time, he is "all boy" -- talks about Superman, Spiderman and Batman (the holy triumvirate) more than he talks about his own friends; loves to climb; loves cars and trucks, etc.
And if he's going to be gay, I don't think painting his toenails now (or refusing to let him paint them) is going to change anything.
(We're in Michigan, BTW.)
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