Beyond Thunderdome
Of late, I'm incapable of conducting a normal human conversation. Regina loves it when we're having dinner with friends and I utter my usual comment: "It's the last ten years of human civilization. We'd better fucking enjoy ourselves while we can!"
"That depresses people," she says. "Everyone's worried enough as it is."
"So?" I say. "It's not my fault that they can't handle the truth!"
"What truth?"
"Oh, never mind...hey, look what's on the TIVO!"
But I'm not just complaining about the heat. I'm actively planning to move my son smoothly into the next world order. In order to survive apocalyptic times, Elijah will need certain skills. Therefore I would like to propose:
A Mad Max Training Institute For Children. I think the Road Warrior movies are a solid template for a likely future. This Insitute will teach our children essential post-apocalypse desert-based survival skills. For the first semester:
1. Stealing motorcyles and riding them through fireballs
2. Constructing a bazooka out of whatever you can find at the junkyard.
3. Doing battle to the death while perched on the shoulders of a giant.
And that's just for starters. This will be a "Wiki"-style project, so I'll let you all propose additional courses in the comments section. I, for one, will not deny my son an opportunity to become a lonely vigilante fighting the forces of greed and evil. Let's make our school together.
Comments
Two toddlers enter, one toddler leaves. If we start this early enough and don't wuss out, there might be enough in the way of natural resources to leave all the really hard decisions for them.
Posted by: Ryan K | July 25, 2006 3:46 PM
"So You're Surrounded by an Army of Deformed Mutants: A Guide for the Besieged."
Posted by: Rasselas | July 25, 2006 5:14 PM
A comprehensive curriculum might include:
- Care and feeding of your post-apocalyptic mullet
- Why human emotions are wrong and will get you killed
- Leather chaps: from gay attire to manly must-have
- Negotiating with cult leaders: when to bring the crazy
- And don't forget: a daily interactive lab consisting of four hours of Grand Theft Auto on the XBox.
Posted by: James in PDX | July 26, 2006 12:30 AM
Don't forget the business courses where they learn important concepts about hoarding gasoline and water, and managing henchmen and mutants.
Posted by: Neil | July 26, 2006 4:08 AM
how about brushing up on those telepathy skills? it seemed to work for the dude in A Boy and His Dog.
Posted by: paperpusher | July 26, 2006 6:21 AM
Core course: Siphoning Gas from Moving Vehicles
Elective: 101 Uses for Pig Shit
Posted by: Krishna | July 26, 2006 7:04 AM
Boy, McGyver really owes a lot to Mad Max, huh?
Posted by: troy | July 26, 2006 8:12 AM
Making cups and bowls out of the skulls of your vanquished enemies.
Using Jesus as an excuse to butcher people in neighboring villages and steal their food, fuel, and women.
Ductape: Thinking beyond the box.
Know the human teeth for water exchange rate.
Cooking with Cockroaches.
Posted by: ReTodd | July 26, 2006 8:24 AM
Teach him to drive offensively. If there's any gasoline left to have the ability to swoop into the ruins of old LA, grab some canned goods and book out of there- dodging the zombies and what-not- will be invaluable. The ability to provide delicious pinapple in its own juice will guarantee him all the still-fertile women from every village within 100 miles.
Oh yeah, also have him wear lead underwear all the time in case the above occurs.
Posted by: Tim | July 26, 2006 1:15 PM
Oh yeah, a flintknapping course will be essential. Got to learn how to make blades and arrowheads out of rocks because all the former military and police who now roam around in rape-packs will control all the once state-owned ammunition and all the white supremacists who now roam around living out their fantasies wil control all the once privately-owned ammo.
Our sons and daughters will have to fight them with sticks and rocks; all the better they be sharpened.
Posted by: Tim | July 26, 2006 3:23 PM
Suggested courses:
* Where's Your God Now: The Uselessness of Prayer
* Boobies As a Diversionary Tactic (for girls)
* Just Ignore Them: How Not to Be Distracted by Boobies (for boys)
* Food Is Everywhere If You Know Where to Look
* Effective Leadership Using As Few Words As Possible
Rasselas rocks... that whole list is awesome
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