Beverage Of Choice
I've managed to nose my way into the media once again. In this L.A. Times article about the Baby Loves Disco phenomenon, reporter Shana Ting Lipton says that I've "involuntarily become one of the pioneers of the so-called Grups movement." I suppose there's some truth to that, though the original "Grups" article in New York Magazine made me sound like a cracked-out lunatic who's attempting to turn my son into a cracked-out lunatic. Totally untrue. Those of you who read this site regularly know that's simply Elijah's natural state.
But yes, Baby Loves Disco will party on in L.A. this Sunday at The Knitting Factory. I may or may not be able to attend because I have a previous engagement at a one-year-old's birthday party. My God. What have I become? Anyway, the reporter is too kind to the Larchmont, the previous L.A. venue for BLD. That place was a steaming shithole. I'm surprised there weren't discarded needles on the floor. It wasn't a family atmosphere. It was a Manson Family atmosphere. I've never seen bouncers so large, and so surly. The party ended up being fun anyway, but only because of the strength and energy of the organizers, combined with the collective desire of the attended to have a good time. That venue would have killed lesser spirits; The Knitting Factory, a venerable rock institution that employs janitors and closes by 2 AM, will be a better choice. Come one! Come all!
That said, my son is well-suited to hang out in a place that stinks of piss and sushi gone bad. The other evening, as I slovenly watched the Dodgers game--an experience that lately fills me with dread and ennui, particularly when J.D. Drew is up to bat with runners in scoring position--I heard a familiar voice from the other room.
"ELIJAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
A pause.
"NO! DO NOT DO THAT!"
Elijah was in the tub at the time, so this was sure to be interesting. I slowly moved my bones into a sitting position, and then I stood. When I went into the living room, I got this story from the wife.
"I saw him pick up his little watering can, and he started to pee in it. I didn't say anything, because he technically wasn't peeing in the tub and he could have possibly dumped it in the toilet. When he was done, he lifted it up to his mouth. I was like, 'Elijah, are you planning to drink your own pee?' He made a move like he was going to do it. And then I yelled at him, so without saying anything he dumped his pee in the tub. Which I am now draining."
So we had to give a lecture.
"Elijah," I said. "Don't drink your own pee."
"Why?" he said. "Because it will poison me?"
"No, Elijah," said Regina. "But it tastes gross and it might make your tummy hurt.
"Spongebob drinks his pee!"
"No, he doesn't," I said, though I wasn't sure if this was true or not, so I added, "But if he does, he's wrong."
"OK," said the boy.
I went back to watching the game, a medium-sized mistake. The Dodgers have scored 10 runs in the seven games since the All-Star Break. Maybe they should start drinking their own pee.
Comments
That BLD thing scares the crap out of me. I keep picturing a bunch of little kids running around a club, ingeting hits of Ecstasy, and running back to their parents yelling, "Look, mommy! They're giving away free Tic Tacs!"
I wouldn't worry about the Dodgers. They're only 3.5 games back and the rest of the division looks like crap. The hitting will come around and things should get better when Tomko comes off the DL.
Posted by: MetroDad | July 20, 2006 12:29 PM
The ancient Chinese used to boil urine and consume the remaining salts for their trace amounts of androgens and steroids. So, yeah, if the Dodgers did drink their own pee, it'd probably add an interesting new twist to the current juicing scandals.
Posted by: Michael | July 20, 2006 2:36 PM
That kid is friggin' innovative. He's like the pacecar for creative mischief; other kids can only hope to keep up.
And I'm pretty sure I missed the episode of SpongeBob where he consumes his own urine. Must be the same one where he and Patrick get all bukkake on Squidward. So hot...
The Dodgers are done. The scrappy, pitching-heavy Padres will win the West for the second straight year. And lose in the first round of the playoffs, for the second straight year.
Posted by: James in PDX | July 20, 2006 5:36 PM
I used to know a guy who, while I don't think he'd ever actually done it, had stated on more than one occasion that he wouldn't have a problem with drinking his own urine as, and I quote, 'it was sterile.'
This, to me, is not a convincing argument. I'm fairly sure acid is sterile too, but I'm not going to wash down a burger with a smoking glass of the stuff.
That does make me think though, that, Neal, if you keep any acid around the place, you should probably make sure it's out of reach.
Posted by: Simon Smithson | July 20, 2006 7:53 PM
StL vs. LA round 2 this weekend. Any predictions? The last series was a blast (for us). I kind of miss JD, but he is kind of an underachiever in my books.
Posted by: narky | July 21, 2006 8:05 AM
The Dodgers will be lucky to win one out of three.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | July 21, 2006 9:38 AM
My boy and I take baths together and he used to pee in it regularly. It was gross - at first. It's amazing what parenthood has enabled me to get used to.
He doesn't really pee in the bath anymore but now, he scoops up the bathwater in a shallow dish, pushes it towards my face and orders me in a lopsided voice to "Drink the tea!!!"
Kids are weird, man. So weird.
Posted by: Keith | July 21, 2006 8:39 PM
Neal, that's a nice media splash and book promo; your charm must go a long way with the local media types. Too bad the Dodgers SUCK and the Gints are rollin'!
Cheers!
Posted by: Dick Durata | July 22, 2006 10:08 PM
The Larchmont is indeed a scary place. I have never been inside, but it's on my way home from a friends' house. Almost every time I drive by that club late at night, there is something crazy going on outside. Usually, it's a fight, but once I drove past a flaming BMW parked in a parking lot across the street. Definitely not family-friendly.
Also, for your future reference, I can guarantee that SpongeBob has never drunk his own pee. I happen to work for Nickelodeon, and I can tell you that our Standards & Practices department would never ever let us show something like that.
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Well I took my boys and we had a great time. I am glad it was moved the KF because it seemed pretty clean. The boys had a great time and that was what is important.
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