If Throwing Up Means It Would Be Beneath My Dignity To Climb A Tree
The other night, while I half-heartedly watched the Dodgers flail at Francisco Liriano's changeup, Regina and Elijah made mint chocolate chip ice cream. They used fresh mint, and fresh cream, and what appeared to be fresh chips, and the whole thing tasted delicious.
About an hour later, I felt a little bloated. But I had a deadline, and was at the computer, so I ignored the feeling. Elijah was in bed, doing his usual routine. First he wanted socks, then he wanted water, then he had to pee, and then he had to poop. We accept all four of those excuses, but anything beyond that receives no tolerance in these parts.
He came into my office.
"I have to fwow up," he said.
He says this all the time, but rarely delivers the goods. Despite the fact that my stomach didn't feel so hot itself, I ignored him.
"Get your ass back in bed," I said. "NOW!"
"I have to fwow up!" he said.
"No, you don't."
"Yes I do!"
"Get back in bed, or I will turn off all the lights in the hall and it'll be dark and you'll be scared."
He ran back into his room, whining about how he had to "fwow" up.
Fifteen minutes later, Regina came to me.
"His stomach feels very hard," she said.
I went into his room. Sure enough, Elijah's stomach was rock-solid.
"I have to fwow up," he said.
I felt horrible, because I'd obviously made the wrong call. But, unlike anyone in our current federal government, I'm willing to admit my mistakes. I handed him a garbage can.
"OK, sweetie," I said. "But throw up in this, because we don't want to have to wash your sheets."
Elijah leaned over the garbage can and made a hideous noise.
"BORK!"
We looked into the can. A few small rivulets of barf had run down the sides. I handed it to Regina.
"Baby, could you wash this?" I said. "I'm on deadline."
She rolled her eyes.
"I feel bettew now, daddy," Elijah said.
The next day, Elijah and I discussed the incident.
"I fowed up, daddy."
"No, you say, 'I threw up.'"
"Fowed up."
"Threw up."
"Fowed up."
"Threw up."
"I sounded like a seal."
"More like a dog."
"How about a pig?"
"OK, a pig."
Last night, he tried it again. At 9:45, while Regina and I were watching a very important movie about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, he came into the living room.
"I have to fwow up," he said.
"No, you don't," I said.
"OK," he said. "Goodnight, daddy."
I can't be wrong every time.
Comments
I think it's 'fowed.'
Posted by: troy | June 29, 2006 11:51 AM
When you bake the "mint" in brownies, though, I thought it had an anti-nausea effect. Mmmmmm. Mint. ;)
Posted by: Roger C. | June 29, 2006 6:56 PM
ah gawd, the dreaded "my stomach hurts." always a crap shoot. though you lessen the instances if you don't eat store-bought burritos.
Posted by: paperpusher | June 30, 2006 6:16 AM
As a teen, I worked at a summer camp. A 9-year old girl, who had been whining for most of the week began to complain of a sore leg. Everyone thought, given her short history, that she was faking. Her counselor took her to the nurse, who evaluated her, and deemed her in good health. My friend went so far as to compliment the girl on her limp and told her it was of academy award winning quality. The week passed, the girl went home, and a few days later we found out that she had a hairline fracture. Luckily, her parents took it in stride despite our poor judgement. Throwing up seems minor compared to that incident.
Posted by: Mike | June 30, 2006 3:12 PM
the ice cream sounds great
Posted by: jr | July 1, 2006 1:21 AM
Did Regina follow NPR's instructions for the mint chip ice cream? http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5531244
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