Alone Again With Monkey Butt
Regina has just driven the 1998 Nissan off the street. She's on another weekend trip. But unlike the last trip, which she spent drinking lunchtime margaritas in Austin, this one has a purpose--to attend the Yearly Kos convention in Las Vegas, along with all the other naive people out there who are trying to change the Democratic Party from its grassroots. To my mind, that's a task about as impossible as "curing" homosexuality or getting a cow to move out of the street in Mumbai, but who am I to deny my spouse her dreams? She has many exciting items on her agenda, including an 8 AM science panel tomorrow and an 8 AM Howard Dean keynote speech on Saturday. Also, she will be attending a party thrown by Presidential hopeful Mark Warner at the top-floor bar of the Stratosphere Hotel. I've told her to focus on the parties and blow off the panels, which is always my convention-going strategy, but she holds firm.
Last night, while she was trying to decide whether the white or the peach top went better with her floral-print skirt, she said to me, "there won't be much time for goofing off."
"Don't ever say anything like that to me again," I said. "There is always time for goofing off. You are going to Vegas, for god's sake. For four days. Without me. "
"Yes, dear."
"In fact, if you want to have an affair, you have my permission. But don't tell me. Unless it's with a woman."
"You wish."
"I think you'd really enjoy it."
"Right."
Despite the sad loss of mommy to the revolution, this is actually an exciting time for the family, because my very pregnant sister, my not-pregnant brother-in-law, and their nearly three-year-old daughter Allison have just moved to town, though I'm not entirely sure if Encino qualifies as "town," whose borders tend to end for me somewhere around Studio City or maybe Sherman Oaks. This is relevant here because I'm doing a reading tomorrow night as part of Jill Soloway's fabulously Jewish Heaping Portions series, which you L.A. people should all attend. I wasn't able to score a sitter, so my sister asked if Elijah wanted to sleep over at their house. Elijah couldn't be more excited than if he saw a snake eating its own tail.
Along with a bottle of sunscreen, a dental-insurance card so I could make Elijah a dentist's appointment, a note to remind me to call my grandmother on her birthday, and a checkbook so I could pay for the next round of pizza days at preschool, Regina left me a list of things Elijah needs to bring over to Ali's house. It follows after the break.
For E's Visit To Ali: Use sunscreen!
3 pair underwear
2 pair shorts
PJ's
2 shirts
White, green, +? Blankie (his choice?)
2 pillows (red+animal)
2 animals
Lg. sippy of Rice/soymilk
OK, Mom!
Before she took off this morning, Regina left Elijah notes on his two Magna Doodles. One of them is a fairly standard "I LOVE YOU ELIJAH." The other is more specialized. Let me explain.
Of late, Elijah has become enamored of the phrase "monkey butt." This is probably because we ask him all the time, "Are you a monkey butt?" We think it sounds funny.
So last night, I put on my only suit and went to a party for The Nation Institute, to honor the radical journalist Robert Scheer. Johnny Temple of Akashic Books, the guy who published my highly-successful crime-fiction anthology Chicago Noir, has put out a couple of Scheer's books, and he bought a table. To take nothing away from Scheer, who is one of the great truth-tellers of our time, the Beverly Hills Hotel is a kind of strange place to have such an affair. The whole thing, co-anchored by Arianna Huffington and Katrina Van der Heuvel, took place on a stage in front of a gold velvet curtain. Even when people in Hollywood are in front of a mike talking about the Wen Ho Lee case, the event still feels like the fucking Oscars.
Warren Beatty and Annette Bening were there, which caused people to stare while they pretended they weren't, and I sat about ten feet away from Larry Flynt. Also, rumor had it that Gore Vidal was in the house. That's the closest I'll ever get to him. I think I saw Larry David waiting for his car at the valet park, and no, he wasn't getting into a shouting match with the valet guy. What was the point in this aside? Ah, yes. Monkey Butt.
As I was standing in the kitchen in my underwear, ironing my shirt, Elijah approached.
"What's gonna be at the party?"
"A bunch of rich people," I said.
"What else?"
"And daddy," said Regina.
"And food!" Elijah added.
"Yes, and wine," I said, "and I'm guessing a video of an old Martin Luther King Jr. speech or something."
"And monkey butts?"
"Possibly."
This morning, before she left town, Regina left this note on Elijah's other Etch-A-Sketch:
"See You Soon, Sweet Monkey Butt! Love, Mama."
Comments
Why do we progressives always have to use the term "grassroots?" I absolutely loathe that word, yet Kos types use it *constantly*. Can't we find a less pretentiously earthy synonym?
Posted by: karen | June 8, 2006 1:17 PM
Your wife sounds cool. #1, she likes Battlestar Galactica. #2, she apparantly believes in Government. #3, she wrote two messages on etch-a-sketches, one of which is pretty long. Who has the patience for that?
Posted by: Tim | June 8, 2006 5:29 PM
Okay, now I'm even more irritated I didn't go.
Posted by: Amanda Marcotte | June 8, 2006 8:01 PM
One correction, which I will make in the text as well: They are not Etch-A-Sketches. They are Magna Doodles. Etch-A-Sketch is a bit of a catchall term, misused by me.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | June 8, 2006 8:29 PM
Oh, magna doodles you just write on. I thought she took 5 hours writing with those two wheels.
Posted by: Tim | June 9, 2006 9:56 AM
This Etch-A-Sketch issue reminds me of the time I was going out for a long lunch. I etched a note to no one in particular in copper announcing my plans. The fumes from the acidic solution were so overwhelming that I never made it out for lunch. All those shrimp heads went to waste.
That said, our young child finds it quite amusing to mock people in commercials in television by saying, "Nah nah nah nah, you bought that." If she had "monkey butt" in her arsenal, she'd be an anti-corporate juggernaut.
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