Up Yours, Kobe
It's been a light week here at the Maelstrom Ranch. Nothing exceptional has happened with the boy, other than the daily sticking-feet-in-the-toilet-for-no-reason ritual. Besides, I've been rather pre-occupied by the epic first-round NBA playoff series between the forces of pure good and the forces of pure evil. Regular readers know which is which in my mind, and also in reality. I've wanted to write about each game, but have refrained for three reasons.
1. I was tired.
2. I was depressed.
3. I wasn't getting paid.
I realize that my prose doesn't reach the heights of, say, Marc Stein's, who authors ESPN.com's "Daily Dime" column. He comes up with such gems as "even when they win, they lose." This followed the Suns' game-five ass-reaming of the Evil Empire and Raja Bell's subsuqent suspension for giving Public Rapist Number One exactly what he deserved. Where's your Moses now, Mr. Stein? Where's your Messiah now? I think that next season, ESPN should give me a shot at a column, thereby closing the holy triangle of nerd writers who didn't get laid much in high school. Put me on that Chuck Klosterman/Bill Simmons axis, yo.
So where was I? Oh, yes. The Lakers are a bunch of thugs, head cases and rapists, led by a cocky, stupid man-child who lords his admittedly superior talent over his opponents (and everyone else), as though he was living out some sort of pre-ordained historical destiny. The Suns are a likable gang of misfits, plus one thug, led by a Communist Canadian with bad hair. Who would you root for?
I will always hold firm to my conviction that game four was rigged in some way. As Steve Nash put it in the locker room last night (not that I was present, mind you), "come on, guys. We're only up four games to two." There are obvious reasons as to why the NBA wants a Lakers-Clippers series. TV ratings and merchandising trumps justice. Yet if the NBA were really smart, they'd be pumping up the Suns, a team with a three-continent international presence and a star who you don't want to punch in the face. As intense as Michael Jordan was in his heyday, you just had to bow down to him.
No one should be bowing down to Kobe. And shame on Lakers fans for doing so. You've had real stars in the past: Kareem, Magic, even Shaq. They had class and style. This douche is beneath you all. My only press ally in this assessment, outside of Phoenix, is Skip Bayless, a half-writer who's best known for wearing funny hats on ESPN2's abysmal morning show, "Cold Pizza." You can find his analysis, complete with de rigeur Caddyshack references, here.
The Suns will triumph tomorrow night, but in many ways, we already have. And yes, since I've been a fan for 30 years, I've earned the right to use the royal "we". We stood up to the NBA's phoniest superstar. We stared Jack Nicholson's finger-waving hoax in the face. I've never been prouder or happier as a sports fan. Even if we lose, we win.
Comments
If your entire ouvre should -- God forbid -- somehow crumble to dust and be blown away by the pitiless winds of time; if somehow only one phrase was spared from that fate and that phrase was "...complete with de rigeur Caddyshack references..."
Then the name Neal Pollack would yet ring through the ages and take its rightful place on the scorecard of the immortals.
Or not.
Posted by: J.D. Finch | May 5, 2006 3:02 PM
I could not agree more with every word.
Kobe has hit shots in this series that I have not seen since the Suns heyday of Rex Chapman. He is a prodigious talent, and I could contain my disgust for him as a person if he didn't get that constipated expression every time a legitimate call is made that does not favor him.
A statue of Raja Bell collaring Kobe should be erected outside the Purple Palace. That is a moment that will live alongside Gar Heard's rainbow jumper, Ron Lee's floor dives, Cedric Ceballos's blindfolded dunk, and Dan Majerle's near half-courters (et al.) in the True Suns Fan's heart.
"Up Yours" is too kind.
Posted by: John | May 5, 2006 4:03 PM
I don't know if my Latin is as polished as it used to be, but I think it's "subsequent."
Raja Bell was utility here in Philly. And Kobe was (is) an utter tool who attended privileged Lower Merion High here. You're right to demonize Kobe. I don't know that he's Summers Eve material, but he is certainly a pile of "pure." I assume his wife has forgiven him for indiscretions involving crazy white chicks in Colorado. Whatever. As far as character goes, he's tripe. Nothing would please me more than to see him lose every game he plays, talent or no.
Posted by: Tully | May 5, 2006 4:11 PM
Kobe is awful. He may not be Summer's Eve material, but he's evil. You're right about that. Los Angeles is evil. Mr. West got that right in Day of the Locust. It's a soulless wasteland that shouldn't exist, and it wrecks the Colorado River, along with Phoenix and Vegas. People shouldn't be living in deserts, no matter how much they like sunlight. And Kobe is pure poot.
Posted by: StinkyPinkie | May 5, 2006 4:14 PM
Have always loved your Suns-related entries. Hope they win, so I can read more of them.
Posted by: Adam | May 5, 2006 6:17 PM
To be fair, Kareem was kind of a douche, too.
Posted by: Brian | May 7, 2006 8:52 AM
C'mon, but would Kobe do a piss-take on himself in a movie farce?
"Roger."
"Huh?"
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