Kobe And The Pussycats
Soon, I will write about the Bangles concert that rocked my son's school last Saturday afternoon. Goddamn! My ears are still ringing from all the acoustic guitar! But all you Bangles fans--and you are legion, I know-- will have to wait until Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday. Before I get to that coverage, let me return to the NBA, in my continued mission to land a gig on ESPN.com's Page 2.
In the end, it didn't really seem fair. The Lakers looked like a bunch of special-ed students out there. The only difference, really, is that a team of special-ed students would have at least tried to beat the other team. Plus, they would have been gracious in defeat. Now, the Suns move on, while Mr. Parker drives off in his Smushcalade. Seriously, though, who names a car after themself? Well, I did, once, when I was 16 years old. I had something called The Nealmobile. But it was a 1978 AMC Concord. It had a red plastic roof and no shock absorbers. I had little confidence in its worth, or in mine. So anyway, The Smushcalade? Pathetic. And I hope you enjoy your sexual assault trial, Kwame. After what you did to Boris Diaw, tossing him to the ground and wagging your crotch in his face, I'm sure you're not guilty or anything. Sexy sex guy.
And then there's Kobe, a real superstar, who quit on an important game and then had the rotten balls to then blame his athletically inferior teammates for the loss. He should have finished 104th in the MVP balloting, behind the entire starting lineup of the Charlotte Bobcats and Darko Milicic. Instead, he finished fourth, behind a short guy from Vancouver, a tall guy from Germany, and LeBron James, the actual heir apparent to Michael Jordan, who just got his ass handed to him by the Pistons to the tune of a 31-point loss. But, you know, it's all about LeBron's education. And his development as a player and a man.
So now tomorrow night, we start all over again. The Clippers are a far superior team to the Lakers, though that's not saying much. Still, you have to respect a team that features, in its starting lineup, a Teutonic nut-crusher in the "Mongo discovers fire" mode, a point guard who looks like a Ferengi, and a power forward who's what Tim Duncan would be like if Tim Duncan were cool. Also, they have three-point shooters. This isn't going to be an easy win. Sam Cassell helped gun down my championship dreams more than a decade ago, when he and the rest of the Houston Rockets stole a series from the Suns after being down 3-1. And by "stole," I mean, "outplayed them." But Cassell is such a goofball that I can't be mad at him. That's the problem with the Clippers. They're hard to hate.
I won't mock Clippers fans here. If I've suffered as a Suns fan, and I have, oh, have I suffered, it's nothing compared to what the Clippers Drum And Fife Society has endured over the years. Nevertheless, the Suns can't lose to a team that started in Buffalo. The Suns are a team of destiny, even if that destiny is to lose to the Spurs in six. So go, tall, laid-back French guy! Go, tall, laid-back stoner guy! Go, smart liberal Canadian guy! Go, pixie-like Brazilian speed demon! Go, dude playing for a multi-million dollar contract! Um, who else? Go, guy who throws assholes like Kobe Bryant to the ground! And go, go, go Coach Pornstache!
Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.! Again.
Comments
Must-read article on slate.com: "The Pleasure of Hating Kobe Bryant," by Sam Anderson.
http://www.slate.com/id/2141287/
Posted by: John | May 8, 2006 5:23 PM
Nash is from Victoria, not Vancouver. Those Victorians, Victoriaites, whatever they're called, are gonna bring the pain, Pollack! Or they would if they weren't all a bunch of tree-hugging centre-left types.
Cheers.
Posted by: Cake or Death | May 8, 2006 8:30 PM
I've figured out how we can win. We must score 130 points every night. Go Suns!
Posted by: Phantroll | May 8, 2006 10:59 PM
It's a bit much for Neal to be comparing ANYONE to a special-ed student.
The special-ed students deserve better.
Perhaps Neal himself rode the short bus to school.
Posted by: shrewish | May 9, 2006 8:40 AM
"The Lakers looked like a bunch of special-ed students out there."
That's cold dude. You're a dad right? I'd expect more from a dad. Just saying.
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