The Strawberry Juice Crisis
Elijah was on the bed, bouncing, at 7 AM. I took my turn getting up with him. We went into the living room and sat on the couch. He threw a blanket over his head.
"I'm Dr. Boney!" he said.
Dr. Boney is a new character in the Hot Man pantheon, a horrible monster that is, according to Elijah, "made of blood on the outside, and skin on the inside." Sometimes Dr. Boney has six arms, sometimes he has eight, but regardless, he hurts people.
"Well, Dr. Boney," I said. "What do you want to eat this morning?"
He threw off the blanket.
"Orange juice," he said. "And strawberries. And oranges. And...."
An evil smile spread.
"Strawberry juice."
"We don't have strawberry juice, silly."
I began to tickle him. He wasn't in the mood.
"I want strawberry juice."
"No."
"MAKE ME STRAWBERRY JUICE!"
I was working on six hours of sleep, and had a bit of a hangover. This kid didn't know it yet, but he was playing with tinder.
"There is no strawberry juice."
"Make me some in the juice machine, daddy."
"No."
He stood, and began to scream.
"AHHHH! I WANT STRAWBERRY JUICE! STRAWBERRY JUICE! STRAW! BERRY! JUICE!"
"Don't push me, kid."
"Make me strawberry juice right now!"
And then I blew.
"Elijah! I am not going to make you any damn strawberry juice! You will drink orange juice! And like it! And if you don't, I'm going, to, um, let's see, take away some of your toys for a while!"
He ignored my effective disciplinary skills, and instead ran into the kitchen, down the hall, and toward the bedroom, flailing. Shit. If he woke up Regina, the house would crumble under the weight of her righteous anger. I ran after him. He pounded on the door.
"Mommmmm-eeeeee! I want strawberry juice!"
I wondered: Is 7:15 AM too early to get high? Then I thought: The odds are pretty good that 40 years from now, I'll be dead. And they're very good that I'll be dead in 50 years. I've never visited 95 percent of the world's countries. Or even attended a professional football game. And yet here I was, arguing with a petulant three-year-old about strawberry juice. I stared into my soul, searching for peace, and maybe answers. Instead, there was only an endless black void.
"Strawberry juice!" he said.
"Get back in the living room now," I said.
"No."
"Yes."
"NO!"
"Yes."
"I want strawberries!"
"I told you...wait. Did you say strawberries?"
"Uh-huh. I'm hungwy. I wike strawberries."
"OK."
"Do you wike strawberries, daddy?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to share my strawberries with me?"
How could I have ever been mad at this sweet darling boy?
"Sure," I said.
"And I want strawberry juice," he said.
"Cut it out."
"OK, daddy. I'm sorry that I asked for strawberry juice."
"Whatever. Don't let it happen again."
"Let what happen again?"
"Ask for strawberry juice."
"I want strawberry juice. Do we have any?"
"No."
"But I want some!"
FICTIONAL ENDING:
"I can't get you any strawberry juice."
"Why not?"
"I'm waiting for Godot."
Comments
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Posted by: C. Reveille | May 21, 2006 6:17 PM
Although I'm a parent and, therefore, not unfamiliar with the territory I must admit I find these Pollack family tales to be more cautionary than, well, whatever they're meant to be (whimsical? warmly funny?).
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