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May 31, 2006

Ain't We Lucky We Got Em? Good Times!

Before I begin today, I want to apologize to all of you who've attempted to comment on this site but have had your comments disappear into some Internet netherland. In a misguided attempt to prevent my site from becoming clogged with shillery for Hoodia and penis enlargers, I accidentally had my spam filter on a very high setting, thereby nuking some of your profound insights. I've recovered some recent comments, but others have long since disappeared. Regardless, you all may begin commenting at will now, and your contributions will be heard. Welcome back to one of the Internet's least vibrant community forums.

Since today's theme is "adult economic circumstances not meeting expectations," I would welcome you all to share your own tales and anecdotes of class angst, or your commentary on what a spoiled bobo I am. Keep it lively, people!

Now then, let's talk about my glamorous writer's existence in the high-end Los Angeles neighborhood of Highland Park. They say this neighborhood is "up-and-coming," which is English for "bye-bye, long-time Mexican residents," and it's true that there are sidewalk repairs ongoing, a sure sign that the city is anticipating yuppie complaints, but let me tell you, life ain't Entourage.

Two nights ago, I was happily reading about the Suns' game-four whipping of Dallas and exulting in the Dodgers' shelling of the Braves, when Regina walked into my office.

"All the frozen fruit is melting," she said.

I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes, as I often do when another unamusing sitcom episode is about to unfold in my life.

Of late, the fridge has been making noise, somewhere between whirring and wheezing, but really it's been saying "you're about to be out 200 bucks." There's a clause in our lease that says we're liable to pay for repairs if our appliances break. Spare us your vitriol, oh superior humans. We moved in a hurry and this place, we thought, suited us. Besides, we thought, they're brand-new appliances. They never break.

As of this writing, we have about half our food in our neighbor's fridge, and the other half has gone into the garbage. If the repairman doesn't show up today, we're going to have to buy Elijah's lunch on the way to school tomorrow. Oh, wait. There is no school tomorrow. It's Shavuot. Regina is complaining about that, and I'm calling her an anti-Semite.

Let me tell you, there's nothing like trying to set up an appointment with the Maytag repairman while you're waiting at a car-repair place in Burbank, getting the brake pads replaced on your mother's 1998Nissan Sentra. That's how I spent yesterday morning. The Nissan is our number-two car, with our number one being a station wagon that's currently bankrupting us with its gas-guzzling. My parents gave the Nissan to me for free. Note to my mother, who reads this site regularly: I'm grateful, I'm grateful. OK? I'm just trying to make a point here to anyone who thinks publishing books and writing for magazines brings you vast riches. I'm driving my mother's 1998 Nissan Sentra around town. Hot.

So this car-repair place is right at the entrance to I-5 South. I spent the morning wandering around the Ramada Inn next door, because I had nothing else to do, other than read the pulpy, enjoyable dragon novel that I carried in my sweaty right hand. I'll amend an earlier statement. There's nothing like eating a Cibatta breakfast sandwich at Jack-In-The-Box and walking around a Ramada by the highway while there's a Mary Kay meeting going on. From personal experience, I can tell you that somewhere in America, there's a man sitting alone in a hotel bar called Whispers, staining his teeth and his fingers by smoking Parliaments, watching Regis and Kelly, and drinking a scotch and soda at 10:30 AM.

This morning, I woke to the incessant barking of George, the dog next door. George's ancient, drunken cuntburger of an owner keeps in a cage half the time, but particularly while she brings guys in to whack her weeds, which don't look any better after they've been whacked. I pulled the pillow over my head, but then the drunken cuntburger started yelling at her guys to dig up George's bones and rebury them somewhere away from her roses. This is the same woman who had the city put a warning ticket on our windshield because we kept our 1998 Nissan Sentra parked on the street, in front of our house, for four consecutive days without moving it. If I could take a crap on her roses, I would.

Now I'm waiting for the refrigerator repairman. Boy, I can't wait to argue about the warranty with him. Then later Schneider is going to come over to fix the pipes and he'll say something inappropriate to Valerie Bertinelli.



I was enjoying this entry all the way, and when I got to the "One Day At a Time" payoff I almost laughed my dentures right out my mouf.

That description of the Ramada Inn rings a bell in the Repo Man universe. Plate o' shrimp?

I, for one, drive my deceased grandparents' 1997 Mercury Tracer wagon around and was similarly harassed by an asshat neighbor who called the police because I parked it in my driveway one evening with the tail end hanging out across the sidewalk, which needs to be repaired. I don't know about Nissans, but Mercury Tracer wagons are HAWT!

Anyway, thanks for backing off the spam filter. Your rock n' roll fans thank you.

Glad you got your comments fixed. I was afraid you were blocking me out because of my Amare Stoudemire comments.

Anyway, in my opinion, anyone who can ingeniously use the word "cuntburger" in a section including "One Day at a Time" references deserves untold fortunes. Had me laughing my ass off. Thanks.

Go Suns!

Why can't you take a crap on her roses? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me...

Re: fixed comments...Oh good...I thought it was something I had said!

Look, Neal, I love you, but you keep dashing my literary dreams. You signed my book! People who sign books are supposed to have "made it." You're supposed to be living some hetero version of Truman Capote's life (minus the complete alcoholic decline at the end), living in some Italian villa for six months to write but mostly spending your time on yachts. And your child is supposed to be better than everyone else's. Can't you indulge me every now and then with some sort of delusional blog entry?

That being said, if you didn't live next to a cuntburger and endure refrigerating trials, your work wouldn't be the same...

It's a 1998 Nissan, and you just replaced brake pads that are less than a year old!

Uh oh, looks like Mom's a fan ...

A '98 Sentra *is* sexy, compared to my husband's '83 Mazda hatchback.

Hilarious as usual. Cuntburger is my new favorite word.

I feel so much better, now that I've been reminded I'm not the only one who wanted to direct inappropriate comments (and advances) toward Valerie Bertinelli. Then again, I was probably 12 or so at the time- or at least within a few years of our lovely Valerie-- so I guess my efforts would not have been inappropriate, but quite normal (if dweeby).

As for tales of class expectations and how I fall short (for better or worse --you decide), here's a relevant anecdote: my wife teaches English Lit at Deerfield High School, on the hoidy toidy North Shore of Chicago. [Talk to Eggers about the Highland Park/Deerfield relationship... simply put, HP in Chicago has a wider range of social classes, so for example it has more Latinos, who do the weedwhacking for the Deerfielders.] Our son turns four this week, so we've invited to his party a moderate number of his daycare classmates (the center is inside the high school building, has about 60% teachers' kids, 40% community people). As you can guess, the expectation for expenditure on a four-year-old's birthday in these communities is a minimum $200. I'm not in favor of it, but these are the rules my wife thinks we are required to play by. So we're renting our local Skokie Park District's indoor play area (with a big kiddie Habitrail climber, water play area, mini performance stage with lotsa costumes). But the kiddios we invited aren't exactly RSVPing in droves. We live about half an hour from the school (in the more low-rent Jewish town all the Deerfielders probably moved away from), and it _is_ a busy time of year with graduations and festivals and recitals and whatnot. But good God, why are we going to all this trouble for a party that seven kids are coming to? And what kind of failure are we as parents, if even my own first cousin's kids don't think my son's cool enough to attend his birthday? So even though we can afford to do this, my attitude from now on will be "Why throw my pearls before pigs?"

If more men were running the birthday show, and running them with the working class values we grew up with, we'd probably do what the Highland Park (Illinois) hombres do: order a keg for the grownups, run a couple sprinklers for the kids to run through on the front lawn, and have a much better time for about $50.

To Mark:

Maybe it's just the Northwest Indiana in me, but all a four-year-old would need for a birthday party is a living room, some balloons, a cake, some ice cream, and a picture of a donkey that you tape to a wall, sans tail. Seven kids is plenty. And if that's not good enough for the cousins, then they should be considered "that" side of the family.

You really can do a normal birthday party without scarring a child! I promise. Tell all the other parents that you're going "retro."

My wife and I lived in Wilshire Center, near Normandy and Beverly, and it’s similar to the makeup of Highland park (i.e., everyone's poor and mostly from south of the border). Our apartment was burglarized once, attempted twice more, our cars broken into as often as possible (a '91 subaru loyale and a '91 volvo). The people who were in the apartment before us somehow missed a rat building a nest under their sink, and seemed to grow cockroaches for fun or profit. We lived above the laundry room and the floor shook and the walls howled when laundry was goin'. People would do laundry until midnight on a regular basis completely aware it kept us awake. The father of the cuntburger family above us wanted to fight me when I asked him not to dry shoes in the dryer at 4am. The very fat, very mean-to-her-kids, very clearly supporting a large chip on shoulder mother of the cuntburger family across from us had a shitty life and decided to blame us for it, which was awesome to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

We moved there thinking it was a working class neighborhood. Hoo-boy, were we wrong. It was a neighborhood of hicks. I just didn't recognize it till it was too late. I grew up in, around, and among hicks so I've always hated the binary thinking, old-world gender roles believing, superstitious and paranoid thoughts having, linear racist types, and thought they were easy to avoid. I now realize hicks come in all colors and from all countries and there's no amount of awesome taco trucks or incredible panderias or delicious pupusas that can make living among hicks anything but a fucking nightmare.

Now we live in West Hollywood with all the gay guys and it's wonderful. Yeah, I have to live around a number of soulless wanna-be-on-E! types, and certainly hell has a special circle for them, but… that whole part of me that wanted to make a life where your soulless, giant-sunglasses-wearing, BMW-driving asshole would never think to go, the one that wanted to see my old neighborhood as a place to live and not a ghetto, that part of me died the 100th time I watched someone who clearly didn’t have a license race up and down our crowded, child-filled street on a Saturday afternoon, and then pull into the complex across from us because that’s his place. Consider moving?

Well, our neighborhood isn't quite that bad, and we DO live in a house. It's true that the family on our other side used to keep chickens and our landlord once had to call the city on them because they didn't clean up the dogshit on their back patio. On the other hand, the teenager always comes over to tell us when he's going to practice his heavy-metal guitar and once brought our cat back when she accidentally got into their house. Plus, he once told me that I'd left my lights on. There is some drag-racing, and I hate it, and I also hate the police choppers that make a nightly patrol, as well as the four ice-cream trucks that come by after 7 PM every day, but I have lived in worse neighborhoods. This one genuinely is working/middle class. But I must admit to sometimes looking longingly toward South Pasadena.

Sounds a definite step up from our old neighborhood. I totally forgot about the ice cream trucks, they invariably parked right in front of our apartment because we had wide parking spots open to the street. Afternoons and at least twice a day weekends, blasting their distorted ice-cream song. Sounded like it was on warped vinyl. Man, I blocked that out. I'm happier now than I was 5 minutes ago. We had a band of 4 living across from us and they were alright guys, problem was they sucked. A cross between hootie and Live.


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