The Long Twelve Hours
I picked Elijah up at school at 3 PM. He'd just fallen off a tricycle and skinned his knee. I felt like he was playing the injury up a little bit, since he was riding that same tricycle when he greeted me with:
"It huwts weawy badwy!"
I know he's turned on the manipulation jets when he emphasizes the "w" sound instead of the "l." Also, "r" tends to drop.
"Onwy one fing wiw make me feew bettew," he said.
"What's that?"
"Ice cweam! Can I have some ice cweam, daddy? Pwease?"
He looked at me with eyes full of limpid, greedy innocence. I was unable to resist his powers, even though I knew that concession would only bring me a world of hurt.
"Sure," I said.
Elijah then informed me that he didn't want to go to the gym and out to dinner at the Soup Plantation, which was my "getting close to bedtime" strategy for the day. Instead, he wanted to go home and play with his toys by himself. I knew this was a lie, since he never plays with his toys unless accompanied.T here's nothing I enjoy more than spending a couple hours of playing "airplane restaurant" in Elijah's bedroom closet, or by playing hide-and-seek, which, the way Elijah does it, could easily be called "sitting under a blanket and screaming."
But at a certain point, a guy's got to take a shit.
Unfortunately, when I broke away for a few minutes to do just that, Elijah got angry and dumped a cup of cat food in the cat water bowl. Then I walked in to find him cackling. He was also sitting with his feet in the toilet. Thank God it wasn't the toilet I'd just crapped in, but still. You shouldn't put your feet in the toilet.
Five hours passed, somehow. Elijah ate a sumptuous dinner of organic beef hot dog, carrots, cheddar cheese, a pickle, and five pieces of frozen broccoli. When I say frozen, I mean that he loves to eat frozen vegetables. One time, the pieces in an open package of frozen broccoli had frozen together. I told Elijah that I had a "broccoli popsicle" for him and he jumped up and down as though I'd just told him about his new pet dolphin. Then he ate the entire thing.
After dinner, he went into the bath for an hour and a half. Since Elijah has put all of his coolest dinosaur and animal toys in the tub, he wants to spend as much time with them as possible. But if you take the toys out of the tub, he inevitably hits Teacake with them. So the baths are long. These days, he spends the second half of his bath in the dark, because he now has some glow-in-the-dark bugs. If any of you are not yet parents of boys, that pretty much sums it up: My son likes to sit in a tub of cold, soapy water and play with his glow-in-the-dark bugs.
"My boo-boo fews bettew," he said.
"That's nice."
"I miss mommy."
"Boy, do I miss mommy."
"I don't let you sleep too much. Because I wike to get up vewy earwy!"
He said that last sentence defiantly. And over the next hour-and-a-half, I had to pick him up and put him into bed at least ten times. Twice, he sprinted for the back door and was working the lock, cackling madly.
"What the hell are you going to do by yourself out there at 9:30 at night?" I said.
"Eat kittycats!" he said.
My temper began to thin.
"Get your butt back into bed right now or I'm...I'm...."
"You're what, daddy?"
"I'm going to throw away the rest of your Easter M&M's."
There were only about five of these left. Earlier in the evening, I'd tossed the bottom half of his chocolate bunny as punishment for the 500th incident of pulling Teacake's tail until Teacake screams.
Of course, I had to toss the M&Ms.
Comments
It's funny that you should have so many problems during your wife's short absence. I have had to take care of my daughter on a number of occasions when her mother was away. We never had any of these issues. At worst, she made me sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" to her a number of times before bed as a lullaby. The girl likes baseball, even though she is four and doesn't understand it. But, man, what are you doing feeding your kid frozen vegetables? Don't you know that a lot of bacteria survive in spore form in frozen food? Keep that up and you're going to kill him. Despite your protests about his petulant behavior, I doubt that's what you want. Single parents have it tough, to be sure. You seem to take him out a lot to eat. What's with that? Sure you have In 'n Out Burgers out there, but what about heating up some slop at home for your lil' Joey? Are you that busy? It's all so gruppy.
Posted by: Cpl. Bob Widgens | April 26, 2006 3:38 PM
Like he said. You might as well feed your kid a turd or meat processed in the Midwest under Fast Food Nation conditions if your going to feed him raw frozen vegetables. Kobe sucks.
Posted by: Dingle | April 26, 2006 3:45 PM
I cooked some frozen corn the other night and thought of Elijah. I tried a frozen kernel and it wasn't that bad.
Posted by: Elijah's (former) babysitter | April 26, 2006 5:24 PM
Cpl. Bob: You may not have "problems" or "issues" with your kid when your wife is away, but I bet no one is offering you a book deal, either. Neal's trials and tribulations are far more entertaining. He's lucky to have a spirited child who inspires him at least as much as he vexes him.
And the warnings about frozen vegetables are ridiculous. Fresh vegetables grow in shit too.
Posted by: G Thorn | April 27, 2006 7:29 AM
Where are you getting your data regarding frozen vegetables? I couldn't find any info that suggested frozen vegetables posed any higher risk than fresh vegetables when thawed. The only warnings I could find listed BOTH raw and thawed frozen vegetables as well as soft cheeses, muffins, raw nuts, ready-made sandwiches, fruit, etc. etc., and only for people with extremely weak immune systems, like HIV patients. I'd venture to guess that you would feel comfortable giving a child those things. The chances aren't greater for them to get sick from frozen vegetables as a number of other common foods, as far as I can tell. You always run a risk of food poisoning. But "kill him"? Please. Did you ever give your child lettuce or sprouts? What, are you homicidal? Those foods have way more bacteria than the broc pop due to the way they are grown. Besides, while still in "popsicle" form, the microbes are dormant. It's only once it has been thawed and has been sitting at room temperature for a while that the bacteria can reactivate and grow. (See http://www.fsis.usda.gov/Fact_Sheets/Focus_On_Freezing/index.asp )
Actually, exposing your child to all kinds of bacteria will strengthen their immune systems, and "protecting" them with a sterile environment increases their chances of illness and allergies (http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/060328_bad_bacterial.html ).
It sounds to me like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, given the "gruppy" comment. Yes, parenting is tough. That's why everybody does the best that they can. That may mean having meals out and somewhat creative solutions to preserve one's own sanity. I think any child would prefer that and a loving, calmer parent, to one who would become stressed out behind a stove attempting to do it all perfectly.
Posted by: Mieke | April 28, 2006 12:43 PM
Actually, food processing centers are not free of listeria, hepatitis A, E. Coli, botulinum, and any number of other nasty contagions. They also have rodents and bugs, which are known to poop where they eat. You might want to think twice before you feed your kid a block of frozen veggies right out of the package. The fact that they veggies are frozen into some giant popsicle itself shows you there was some thawing and refreezing going on somewhere between packaging and consumption. I don't think cooking frozen veggies--or thoroughly washing raw vegetables--before feeding them to your kid is being nervous: that is being loving and caring.
Posted by: P. Sugarman | April 30, 2006 5:24 AM
Actually, food processing centers are not free of listeria, hepatitis A, E. Coli, botulinum, and any number of other nasty contagions. They also have rodents and bugs, which are known to poop where they eat. You might want to think twice before you feed your kid a block of frozen veggies right out of the package. The fact that they veggies are frozen into some giant popsicle itself shows you there was some thawing and refreezing going on somewhere between packaging and consumption. I don't think cooking frozen veggies--or thoroughly washing raw vegetables--before feeding them to your kid is being nervous: that is being loving and caring.
Posted by: Sugarman | April 30, 2006 5:25 AM
Lea Thompson on NBC just reported on e. coli in bagged salads. Gross. Wash it again, I guess.
Posted by: Broc E. Coli | April 30, 2006 7:15 PM
Yeah, not cooking frozen vegetables can be potentially a risk. So? Probably not such a big risk as those things go. Is it more or less risky than driving your kid somewhere? What about the risk associated with feeding your kid pickes? Surely, you are leading them down the sodium trail of death.
The problem with the first post isn't that the poster pointed out a risk, but rather the manner in which it was done. First, he sets himself up as someone who doesn't have problems when asked to take care of his child, then berates Neal for feeding Elijah frozen vegetables. He follows up with a snarky comment about feeding your child at home rather than going out. He comes across as someone who wants to show that he is a better parent. Okay, he wins, he cooks at home and doesn't feed his kid frozen vegetables. Yea, him. Now is he willing to write about your experience as a parent as honestly as Neal seems to be doing? If not, then maybe, he could temper his posts some.
Every parent makes decisions and choices that when held up against the ideal will falter. We all live within this world and rarely are we perfect, especially when having to interact with complex humans. It is fine to give advice to others, but when you do so, it is probably wise not to climb too high on the mountain as you don't really come acoss as a prophet, but mroe as an ass.
Posted by: Mike | April 30, 2006 11:20 PM
Thanks for being honest.Most of us have tough days with the toddlers regardless of which parent does what. That's the way it goes. Of course there's always going to be some self-righteous prig who'll then point out what you're doing wrong or scold you for having the gall to complain about parental stress, all the while bragging about their perfect children/situation/parenting style. Barf.
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