Only Giraffes Drink Pee
I distracted myself from the existential crisis of temporary single parenthood by taking Elijah to the zoo after school. It was a short trip, because the zoo closes at 5 PM. Elijah, who can be uncommonly kind when it suits him, was very concerned that I get to see everything I like. I chose to spend a lot of time watching the chimpanzees. To Elijah, it's a very cool thing that chimpanzees like to eat carrots and green onions.
We also saw the greatest thing that's ever happened at a zoo. While we watched, a female giraffe uncorked a great stream of urine. A male giraffe put his tongue right under her butt, and lapped it up. He then thrust his nose in the air, drawing back his lips in a rictus of perverted pleasure. You know it's a good day if your highlight is witnessing some bizarre non-procreative act of giraffe sex. Elijah thought as well.
"That giraffe drinks pee," he said.
"Yes he does, son."
"I want to drink pee, too."
"Why? Because only giraffes drink pee?"
While I understand that certain cultures throughout the ages have believed, somewhat mistakenly, in the therapeutic qualities of drinking your own urine, it's still not a behavior I want to encourage in my three-year-old.
"Yes Elijah," I said. "Because only giraffes drink pee."