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I was in charge of Elijah most of the weekend, because I'm heading off this week on a very important business trip. He's the type of kid who breaks things when he's bored, so we had to get the hell out of the house. On Saturday morning, after a visit to a local coffeehouse where Elijah spent half an hour licking cream cheese off a plastic knife, I took him to the California Science Center, which had just opened a Science Of Superheroes exhibit. I figured that Goo Man would be interested in learning about his fellow mutants.
It really didn't surprise me that the exhibit turned out to be nothing but Marvel Comics product placement. Science didn't seem to be a primary concern. Dr. Reed Richards would be ashamed. For instance, nothing is going to be able to persuade me that adamantium, the metal used to create Wolverine's indestructible skeleton, actually exists on Earth. Also, there is no science that can truly explain why Bruce Banner turns into The Incredible Hulk, or to explain why Ang Lee turned one of the top three most awesome superheroes into a pretentious, droning filmic meditation on the troubled relations between fathers and sons. As if I needed to know anything more on that topic. And I guess it's nice to teach kids about the weather, but should we really be teaching them that the weather can be controlled by an African woman with shock-white hair and glowing eyes? It's just not true!
Despite the bells and whistles, and I mean there were a lot of bells and whistles going off at all times in that little room, not to mention sirens, the exhibit actually felt kind of cheap. Five days in, the Iron Man and Magneto exhibits had already fallen apart in need of repair. I did enjoy imitating Banshee's sonic shriek (and destroying The Sentinel while doing it), but the Spider-Man climbing wall was weak, and the Invisible Woman "illusion chamber" came up lame. Also, let's be like Daredevil by closing our eyes and walking through a two-foot-long padded room? I think not. If they had me fight Jennifer Garner among a lot of clotheslines full of laundry, then you'd be talking.
Elijah showed interest in only one exhibit, and then he showed too much interest. I was unsuccessfully clacking away, trying to make Doctor Octopus' prosthetic arm tie a shoelace, when I heard someone say, "Boys shouldn't be doing that." How long Elijah had been licking Iceman's hands, I'll never know. But we had to leave.
Elijah's own superhero identity has been shifting rapidly. One day, he was no longer Goo Man. Instead, he had become "Hot Man," whose power was, Elijah said, "shooting hot things." Apparently, Hot Man deposits his enemies on something called "the floor of dust," and he then summons a mosquito swarm. That was totally acceptable to me. When your son shouts "I will throw you on the floor of dust!" to you during a wrestling session, how can you not feel proud?
But upon our return home from the dubious museum exhibit, Hot Man took a turn toward the dark side. Suddenly, he’d become "Hot Saw Man," whose power was that he went around "sawing things" with a piece of serrated cardboard extracted from an empty 24-pack Pacifico Cerveza carton. I found myself on my bed wielding a soft pillow, fighting for my metaphorical life as my son cackled madly and said: "now I will saw you into little pieces!" It was probably a mistake to allow him to watch Saw II with me the other night.
But I joke. I didn't actually let him watch Saw II with me the other night; this reality is scarier. He became Hot Saw Man all on his own. Something deep in his nature made him want to recreate a grindy 70s-type horror movie in my peaceful home. Regina and I both suggested, independently of each other, that Hot Saw Man become Hot Sauce Man, whose power is shooting hot sauce out of his fingers. Elijah didn't really take to our steering. Instead, he's decided to call himself Hot Owl Man, who is not, as the name might indicate, a hot owl, but rather someone who rescues dogs and cats from the dread carnivorous "hot owls," who live among us without our knowledge. Hot Owl Man isn't my favorite superhero he's ever done, but it's certainly better than Hot Saw Man.
On Sunday, I took Hot Owl Man to the Kidspace Museum in Pasadena, where we met his friend Sean and Sean's dad, Greg. While Greg and I discussed the possibility of forming a band out of parents from Elijah and Sean's class (apparently Ariel's dad was the drummer on an obscure Redd Kross album), Elijah and Sean got very wet in a fountain-type exhibit. I had nothing but a spare diaper handy, so Elijah ran around for about 15 minutes in his diaper and sockless blue Crocs. It was warm today. Sean, on the other hand, had a spare T-shirt, and, more importantly, underwear. The anxiety of influence was about to manifest itself.
When we returned home, I put Elijah in his pajamas, at his request, and also in a pair of King Kong underwear, which he likes to wear backwards so he can see the dinosaurs. He and I sat on the couch and shared a tangerine. Then he stood up, said, "I have to go pee-pee in the potty now," and wandered off. A minute later, he called me in. Sure enough, he'd done the magic deed. I rewarded him with a half-dozen M&Ms. About 45 minutes later, this time without even telling me, he went into the bathroom and dropped a fine-looking little turd into the bowl. He got more candy.
I called Regina, who was at the mall enjoying her last moments of freedom, to tell her the news. She didn't say anything. Instead, she sang:
"Hallelujah! Hallejuah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-loooooo-jaaaaaaah!"
I didn't join her in the chorus, but I enjoyed imagining her singing that at the women's room in Nordstrom's.
So now tomorrow morning Elijah will go to school, for the first time, wearing underwear instead of a diaper. Over the next few weeks, there will be accidents, and probably disgusting ones. Nevertheless, a phase has ended, and I've rarely been happier. It's a blessing to not have to wipe another human being's ass, especially when you're not getting paid. Still, I feel strangely sad as well. I'll never miss the diapers, but I will miss the version of Elijah who wore those diapers. That little one is gone from me forever, lost in the floor of dust.
Comments
If nothing else, Elijah has provided you with potential names for bands or comic books: Goo Man and the Hot Owls. That's kinda like Django and the Quintet of the Hot Club of France.
Do you think the floor of dust has anything to do with that ol' killing floor Hendrix used to sing about?
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