Onan The Barbarian

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The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature

March 23, 2006

Elijah has been a lot calmer this week. Regina suddenly came to the realization that allowing him to eat a popsicle after sundown, even an all-fruit one from Trader Joe's, was probably not a good idea if we wanted sane behavior and a pre-9:30 bedtime. Anything containing any kind of sugar at all is now banned after 5 PM. This has created no behavior problems at all, both because Elijah likes all kinds of cheese and we therefore have easy snack alternatives, and because he's not all coked up on sweets all the time. Don't give your kid crack, and he won't act like a crackhead. Of course, we knew that lesson already, but we had some slippage for a while. Sometimes stuff just sneaks up on you. The key to being a reasonably good parent is then dealing with the sneaky issues accordingly.

For instance, we're still in the middle of an endless potty-training period. Occasionally, Elijah will take a seat on the porcelain. He knows what to do. Now he's just trying to control us. He thinks it's funny that I have to wipe his butt. Technically, he's right. It is funny. But I'm tired of spending money on diapers, and of smelling my son's stinky shit.

Our latest tactic has been to force him to wear King Kong underwear when he comes home from school. When I say latest, I mean "yesterday." I put him in the underwear and said,

"If you pee or poop, it's gonna get in your underwear, and it won't feel good."

"I want a diaper!" he said.

"Nope. No diaper."

Regina backed me up on this.

Elijah then wandered from room to room, moaning, "I want a diaper! I want a diaper! I want a diaper!" We ignored his pleas. When next I saw my son, a few minutes later, he was sitting on the living-room couch. He had taken off his underwear and was playing with himself. Not only that, he was watching Dora The Explorer while doing it.

We had to temporarily put the poop issue aside. It was time to confront our son with an innocent lesson in human sexuality. Fortunately, we'd already discussed how we'd handle such a situation.

"Elijah," said Reg, "It's OK if you want to play with your peenie, but you have to do it in your bedroom."

"Why?" he said.

"Because," I said. "It's not polite to play with your peenie when other people are in the room. That's something private."

"Why?"

"It just is. Only play with your peenie in your bedroom. With the door closed. By yourself."

"Or in the bathtub!" he said.

"Sometimes in the bathtub, too," I said.

He stood up and walked toward his room, without relinquishing his peenie-grip.

Regina and I think that sex is natural, fun, and hilarious. My first book was narrated by a guy who calls himself a "champion fucker" and who boasts about his hundreds of sex partners. Regina makes beautiful paintings that features the figures of bound, headless women against backgrounds of vintage textile patterns. We have a several pieces of tasteful, ungraphic erotic art in our house, including a painting from a friend that depicts a naked woman sitting around with two cats. Our nightstands contain many bottles of edbile oil that we don't get to use very often because we're so damn tired all the time. Our son will probably not grow up prudish.

Anyway, five minutes passed.

"Where is he?" Regina said.

"Babe, you told him to go to his room and play with his peenie. Where do you think he is?"

"Are you sure it's OK that he's doing it?"

"I jerk off nearly every day."

"Yes, but you're on an antidepressant that makes you horny. He's three."

At that moment, I realized that my son was teaching himself to masturbate before he learned how to crap in the john. Well, I thought, we all have our priorities. I wanted to tell him that the two impulses aren't really that far apart. But I realized that particular lesson should probably wait until puberty.

Parents who read this thing: I know you're out there. Bring my comments section to life. I ask you, do you ever encounter situations like this? Does it just keep getting weirder? Please inform.

Posted by at 3:39 PM | Permalink

Comments

Long time listener, first time caller (sorry, I've just always wanted to say that.) Anyway, I'm afraid my experience as a parent is somewhat limited in this regard as I've only been a father for about 17 months. Plus, I have a daughter so I'm not sure I'm EVER going to be comfortable talking about her mastubatory habits.

However, I will say that your post relates to an age-old debate that I used to have with a friend of mine when we were both in our early 20's. Before going out on a weekend evening, my customary pre-partying routine was always shit, shower, shave and spank. My buddy disagreed, saying that it was always much easier to shit and spank at roughly the same time. Not only do you increase efficiency but also you don't even have to get off the toilet seat.

Does that relate in any way to your post? Probably not. Sorry. It's all I got. Let us know how it all works out.

Posted by: MetroDad | March 23, 2006 5:06 PM

Dude - I got 4 fucking kids, but that's another story.

More cheese. At least the little gifts will arrive in a form that makes for easy removal. And that's all you could really hope for.

Good luck!

-T

Posted by: Terry | March 23, 2006 5:50 PM

Goo Man!

When I was a kid, it was the Sesame Street theme song that set me off. (Of course we didn't have Dora the Explorer back then. And at least it wasn't Diego, eh?) My parents told me the same thing you told Elijah. I always wondered about that. Let the shame begin!

Posted by: Chris Whittler | March 24, 2006 4:22 AM

My kid, he's two, and enjoys grabbing our dog's cock while yelling "Mick nose! Mick nose!". No word on what the dog thinks of this, but he does seem to follow the kid around constantly, tail a-waggin'.

Posted by: Jason | March 24, 2006 10:33 AM

No kids here, but for the love of god, would you please tell us all the name of the antidepressant you're taking? Some of us taking the other brands, which do the opposite of what you describe, would consider this a valuable public service.

Posted by: N | March 26, 2006 4:33 PM

2 sons (now 15 and 12) and a daughter of 4 tells me yes, this is normal, and Yes, it wil in fact get more and more weird! But enjoy it. The only time you need to worry is when he is 15 and watching Dora on the couch not wearing underware. Um... antidepressant that MAKES you horny? Dude.. can I get of the Wellbutrin and try that? What do I ask the doc for EXACTLY?

Posted by: Jenna in CT | March 27, 2006 10:09 AM

My oldest son Sam potty trained easily at age two, but a couple of years later he went through a spurt of pissing while sleepwalking. Once he wandered into the living room and doused a futon, just like that scene in The Exorcist where Regan pisses on the carpet, except we didn't have a piano-playing priest. He didn't say 'you're going to die up there' either. But it did seem like he was possessed by something. That phase only lasted a short time, and his younger brother will never let him forget it.

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Onan The Barbarian

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