Big Trouble At The Souplantation
While I was away at my most recent visit to rock-and-roll fantasy camp, Elijah started acting like, as they say in France, une grande asshole. The phone reports from home shocked me out of my humid, stoned stupor each time. At the worst, they consisted of nothing but Regina shouting, "HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?" At the best, it was, "I finally got him to bed and I'm going to watch Battlestar Galactica now." It became apparent that she was wrestling with the devil.
One evening, I learned that Elijah had taken a crap in the tub. This, as those of you who follow this space regularly know, was nothing new. The boy drops a floater almost as often as Regina's senile, cancerous 15-year-old male tabby cat takes a piss on one of my prized possessions. But on this evening, the floater got airborne. According to sources close to the family, Elijah, cackling like a mad hen on greenies, stood up and flung his poop all over the bathroom.
The sad thing is that the report didn't surprise me. Elijah has been pulling that act, periodically, for the last year and a half. The child uses poop as a weapon. To him, shit equals control. Also, I've instilled the unfortunate belief in him that poop is hilarious, which it is, but I never told him that throwing poop is hilarious. I only talked to Elijah once while I was away, but when I did, the only thing he said to me was, "I ate poop!" What a genius I have created!
Last night, back in L.A., I got to see le grande asshole at work for myself. At 5:15, we took him to our crowded mega-gym, and inserted him at Kid's Club, which is a small, carpeted room containing a bunch of plastic toys, a television, and a 75-year-old grandmother whose method of supervising the kids involves playing solitaire on the computer. Then again, what do you want for three bucks a month? After a grueling 35-minute workout, plus 10 minutes of showoffy yoga stretching, I went to fetch the boy. He was playing "mommy and daddy" with a pretty girl at least four years older than him. He is an operator.
The trouble didn't start until dinnertime. Upstairs from the gym is a chain restaurant with the unfortunate name of Souplantation. I've commented to Regina that the company might want to consider changing the name, since those are the kinds of things that lead to a Jesse Jackson protest, and, in this case, he'd have good reason to be pissed. She pointed out that there were many black customers in the Souplantation. I said that it still wasn't right. What if someone opened a Russian-food-buffet called the Souplag? How about the Soupentraction Camp?
"Yes dear," Regina said.
Souplantation is a buffet-style restaurant boasting of food made with healthy ingredients. I wish I could find something to say against the food, but it is, in fact, quite delicious, except for the clam chowder, which was a little chalky. The fact that your kid can eat there for $1.49 makes it an obvious choice, especially if you're just looking to eat someplace where the cat's not jumping on the table. The boy seems to like the place for the most part. But yesterday, as I returned from garnering my second helping of Asian chicken salad with a side of mushrooms, a side of chopped eggs, and a big cup of cream of tomato soup (ahh, the buffet, balm to and curse of the Jewish gastrointestinal tract), I discovered that Elijah had deliberately dumped his glass of water on the table. Regina was making him help her clean it up with napkins. Then, for some reason, he bit her.
"That's it," I said, scooping him up. We've had enough trouble with biting in our lives already, so any offense gets taken very seriously, particularly if I witness it. I carried him out of the restaurant. He squirmed in my arms, whining that he didn't want to go outside.
We stood at the entrance, away from the door.
"You listen to me, Mister," I said. "We do not bite!"
"But I was..."
"No buts," I said. "Biting is wrong and you need to go back in and apologize to your mother."
He looked at me, grinned, and took off down the concrete ramp. I chased after him and scooped him up again.
"Cut the crap, tough guy!" I said, only sort of aware that I was talking to my son as though I were Richard Widmark in a black and white movie.
"I want to play outside," Elijah said.
The disarming began. He tagged me and said, "I am Doctor Octopus and you are the Rhino!"
"I don't want to play Spiderman right now," I said. "I want to finish my dinner. Now let's go inside and you can apologize to mommy. I will play the Rhino at home and I will defeat you."
The promise of horseplay calmed him, and we went back inside. Elijah kissed mommy on the cheek. He told her he was sorry, and also that he'd just pooped his pants. Regina looked at me. Her gaze said, "I spent five days alone with him. You deal with this one."
So Elijah and I went into the bathroom. There was a changing table in the handicapped stall, but a daughter and father were already in there. I could hear their conversation.
"You're changing my diaper!"
"Yeah."
"My diaper is my diaper!"
"Uh-huh."
"I am a diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!"
"Stand still. We're almost done."
"I don't want to wear my pants!"
"You have to wear your pants."
I'd had that conversation, or something a lot like it, at least 100 times. The guy and his daughter came out of the stall. He looked like someone who would sneak away to the comic-book store on his lunch hour, but only to look at the new Dan Clowes. I nodded at him and said, "It used to be that we could drink a beer after work." He looked at me, sighed, and said, "Times have changed."
I've never actually had a job where I couldn't drink beer during the workday, but sometimes I feel a strange, stereotypical bond with all fathers my age, so I say stuff like that. I'm always seeking common ground with anyone who will admit, occasionally, that being a parent really sucks. When you take your son into the handicapped stall, pull down his pants to find a clean diaper, and discover that he only pretended to crap his pants so he could play with the hot-air hand-dryer, you need to talk to someone who will understand. When will the boy learn that I like to play with the hand-dryer, too? No need to be an asshole, boy, I want to say. Your dad is an asshole, too. All you need to do is ask nicely. Also, don't bite your mother.
Comments
That's the first time I heard of someone not finding anything to eat at Souplantation, so he just decided to eat his mother's arm.
I've been to plenty of Souplantations -- and never thought about it's weird name. (and the buffet used to be much better five years ago before they got cheap and took away all the interesting salads).
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