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February 14, 2006

Where Is The Justice?

We've just returned from our first parent-teacher conference at Elijah's school. This one went far better than the last conference, two schools ago, where teacher informed us that Elijah had been biting the same little girl every day for two months, and that he would have to leave school as soon as possible. My failure as a human being was complete.

This time, teacher told us that Elijah likes leading the other children on imaginary underseas adventures, that he likes to play Papa Bear in their seemingly daily class play of Goldilocks And The Three Bears, and that every day at approximately 10 AM, he puts on a blue dress and dances around, which makes the other kids laugh. He doesn't show a lot of interest in mommy's clothes at home, though we wouldn't care if he did. Everyone in L.A. has to have a transvestite period.

Potty-training is slow-going, teacher said, but Elijah is starting to show interest. She encouraged us to put him in underwear at home, no matter how often he craps his pants (my phrasing). Regina bought him a 3-pack of King Kong briefs at Target yesterday. I would like some myself. What man wouldn't want the word "Kong" draped across his crotch?

Also, the conference revealed the unsurprising fact that Elijah can converse in full sentences with adults about any topic, though that topic is usually sea animals and the many things they eat. On the negative side, he has trouble soothing himself when he becomes upset and sometimes cries uncontrollably on the playground. A class clown with excellent verbal skills who's also prone to hysteria. How did I ever produce such a child?

It's almost as though the boy sprang from my head fully-formed, which is not to take any credit away from the unbearable agony his mother suffered in bringing him into the world. The other day, I was putting Elijah's shoes on before taking him to school. He clamped his hand over my mouth.

"I don't want you to talk anymore!" he said. It was a phrase I'd heard many times before, but never from him. I immediately knew what he wanted me to do.

"Mmmmmmmmph!" I said. "Mmmmmmmmph!"

Then I clamped my hand over his mouth. He also mmmmmmphed. We sat there for a bit, going "mmmmmmph! Mmmmmmph! Mmmmmmmph!" Regina walked into the room, said, "you guys are geniuses," and walked right back out, leaving the boy and I to our weird symbiosis.

I would definitely say that we're the happiest father-son combination in the world, except for possibly Brad and Maddox. I won't make any jokes about Brangelina's upcoming "Sexiest Baby Alive," because if something got mocked on The Borowitz Report a month ago, then I'm a little behind the curve. However, I do feel fit to comment on the odd incident last week where Britney Spears got photographed driving with her baby on her lap. Of course Britney is an incompetent dipshit. We all understood this long ago.

However, I do find it vaguely amusing that Secretary Of Transportation Norman Mineta saw fit to call Britney "irresponsible" during a speech to commemorate Child Passenger Safety Week, a holiday which has echoes of the ancient pagan festival Seatbeltus, wherein parents would lash their children to large trees for seven days and leave them to the elements.

I wonder if Mineta, certainly the most decent remaining cabinet official, also finds it irresponsible that the new Bush budget calls for millions upon millions of dollars of cuts to programs that help the neediest children, ones who aren't the lucky spawn of superstars or the pretty lucky spawn of B-list hipster writers. Cutting more than a billion dollars in state vocational grants, nuking several hundred million dollars in federal college scholarship funds, getting rid of the three-million-dollar Thurgood Marshall Legal Opportunity Fund--that all seems pretty irresponsible to me. The budget also calls for record military spending, which may have not been necessary if billions of dollars of Iraq "reconstruction" money hadn't gone missing in the last three years. The richest one perecent is, quite literally, taking food out of the mouths of children. Try too hard to connect all the dots and you might just go insane. But who cares as long as Brad and Angelina--who are people with refined social consciousnesses, mind you--can have sexy babies?

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled ..."

Posted by at 10:23 AM |

Comments

It annoys the shit of out me that just because celebrities are breeding that they're suppose to have better looking kids than everybody else like it's making the world a more "beautiful" place. I've seen two very attractive people have ugly babies. How can a baby be sexy? It's stupid and distracts people from real issues.

I feel like we're in a cycle where we need to hit a bottom as a nation. It seems like we're starting an even worse downward spiral. Some of us have it tough and others have it tougher and we make do. Politically, I think there will be a change because someone is going to have to fix the mess Bush's administration has made of our country.

Although some people have complained that you're bitching about health care I think it's important that you do so. It's a symptom of a much larger problem in our society. It helps to send people here to read your blog and discuss what we should be doing.
Just curious, is that picture for Alternadad of you and Elijah? It's cute.

Posted by: Anonymous | February 14, 2006 1:00 PM

That entry ended too swiftly. Anyway, we now know that rich elderly lawyers from Texas are the most dangerous game. We also know it is important for the federal government to waive royalties on oil and gas fields because the record profits the oil companies raked in last quarter couldn't possibly drive them to invest in more development. The cost of fuel apparently isn't a big enough incentive. No, they need that $7 billion that would otherwise go to the public fisc. Otherwise some families in Texas won't be able to maintain their 50,000 acre ranches and quail coveys. (It would have been even funnier if Cheney had shot that other VP, Quayle.)

By the way, Cheney plugged his GOP buddy from a distance of 30 yards. That's just a little bit farther than how far two adults would be from one another after ten paces. And he didn't see him? Talk about incompetent dipshits.

And L.A. transvestites? John Wayne. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he came to the door in a dress.

Posted by: the_big_pill | February 14, 2006 1:22 PM

Handsome lad in the Alternadad pic. Though it is strange to see a photo of someone for the first time after having been acquainted with his bowel habits for months.

Posted by: G Thorn | February 14, 2006 2:19 PM

"It's almost as though the boy sprang from my head fully-formed..."

That would explain the hairline! [no rimshot]

Brangelina sounds like a brand of hot cereal. Speaking of foodstuffs, I tried that recipe you mentioned and found Irish baby a bit too fatty and bland for my taste.

Posted by: Jim Treacher | February 14, 2006 5:09 PM

He! He! He! Of all the "haters" in a society, I find those who call parents "breeders" and the act of having kids "breeding" the most puzzling and amusing. Anonymous, does this mean you hate your "breeding" parents? Does it mean you hate yourself because you are the product of that "breeding"?

I think if Erich Fromm were alive today to see this sort of hatred, he'd hold it up as the quintessence of a necrophile.

Now I'm going to let bile leak from my pen as I rip some hipsters some new ones in my novel. ;-0

Posted by: Sabra | February 15, 2006 4:50 AM

What are you talking about Sabra? I have a child myself but I don't treat him like a fashion accessory. You are pulling shit comments out of your ass. I never used the word "breeders" or referred to child-rearing in a derogatory way. We're all impressed that you can use big words like "quintessence" and "Erich Fromm," but maybe you should brush up on your basic reading comprehension skills.

Now to go have sex with some dead people!

Posted by: Anonymous | February 15, 2006 8:00 AM

Now now. Everyone play nice.

Posted by: Neal Pollack | February 15, 2006 8:20 AM

Ah, but you didn't say "child-rearing" you said "celebrities are breeding", Anonymous. Perhaps it's because I live in an area where a whole lot of folk get their income from breeding various sorts of animal and plant life, but I see applying that word to having children as pretty inhuman.

I have also only known one other person who referred to children of various other parents as "fashion accessory(ies)" as you do. I find that amusing, too. That anyone would sign on to deal with the various sorts of fluids (that Neal so expertly relates here) that come out of children on a regular basis just to have a "fashion accessory" child, is the quintessence of cynicism.

BTW, don't be impressed by my mediocre vocabulary, frequently bad spelling, and my proclivity (damn there's another one of those hipster words) for putting commas where they don't belong. Google killed the hipster and I was never one to begin with, so I've missed the boat on being able to compete with the intellectuals of my time. But I *do* get quite a bit of enjoyment making fun of people who use the words pastoral, pedestrian, cacophony, sycophant, quintessence...Oops! That's me! Dave would be so proud.

Now to put a bit of this vitriol (fuck, I can't stop myself) back into my novel. Thanks, Anonymous, for furthering my smart-ass mood, it's exactly the sort of voice I am going for today.

Posted by: Sabra | February 15, 2006 8:50 AM

I don't think you're a smart ass. I think you sound angry and you're overanalyzing my initial comment. That's all. The attention that celebrities are getting for having children is ridiculous. They have the ability to hire help, nannies or whatever. Humans are animals and sometimes we breed. It's not meant to be inhuman it's just what we do sometimes. Good luck on your novel. Peace be with you. *Hugs*

Posted by: Anonymous | February 15, 2006 9:19 AM

"I don't think you're a smart ass." Well, that confirms my suspicions, I could never write satire.

"I think you sound angry." I am such an amateur. Rather than take on an entire persona, I just get in character and have trouble sloughing off him or her on my writing days. For about 20 hours this week I am an angry woman who pissed at the Bush administration, mainstream media, and hipsters. That I, too, am pissed off at the Bush administration, mainstream media, and hipsters just makes it worse.

"Humans are animals and sometimes we breed." I wonder how many feminists who are mothers find this term problematic. You know with the history of a woman's worth being tied into her fertility, "Will she breed?" sort of thing. Don't ask those childfree by choice women, though. They call me and other moms who have breastfed Moomies.

"Good luck on your novel." Thanks. 1500 words so far today, but I know I'm a slow writer. I hand write first and I'm always looking up details and facts. And oh, my three pre-school aged children are underfoot 4 1/2 days a week. But, for my Stay At Home Mom graduation six months from now when they'll all be in school full-time I'm getting...can you guess? Domestic help. Though around here I understand that help is more likely to be a Meth addict than a Mexican.

Posted by: Sabra | February 15, 2006 11:58 AM

I guess I see your point of how that could be offensive but I meant no real offense to anyone except maybe the way mainstream media. It disturbs me that if celebrities have a child people are presenting it to seem as if they're creating a superhuman race.

Where are all these feminist mommies? Where can I join the club because it seems to me the Daddies got a lot more intereting stuff going on like what Neal is doing here. See, I don't understand feminism anymore. What does it mean to be a Feminist? Explain to me why women would want to insult another woman just for breastfeeding their child?

Posted by: nancydrew77 | February 15, 2006 1:45 PM

I look forward to both of you deciding to STFU. Step back from the computer long enough to realize you're cursing each other about semantics in the comments section of a author-humorist's Web site.

Saw Neal in Vancouver last week. So, so awesome. The Three Creeks Library or whatever it was called never had it so good.

Posted by: James | February 15, 2006 1:45 PM

Would you rather I write about the weird shit that's been coming out of my elder daughter's ears for the past week? ;-0

Posted by: Sabra | February 15, 2006 2:24 PM

I for one can hardly wait until I can go to see the Brangelina family in The Smiths, which will be a cross between Mission: Impossible and Look Who's Talking, two of the best and coolest movies ever. And it will be MADE IN THE U.S.A., just like the Brangelina baby! That baby is going to be awesome. It will be so perfect and so sexy. I'm just glad to be alive when we are so near to attaining cultural perfection. When the baby drives an exploding Aston Martin off a cliff in The Smiths, everyone will forget about has-beens like Britney and boring government types like Norman Mineta. I hope that the theater is still selling those huge BK breakfast sandwiches when The Smiths comes out. Basking in that much pulchritude and cinematic awesomeness is bound to make me hungry, dig? I don't need to be thin, beautiful, or healthy because Brangelina is thin, beautiful, and healthy enough for everyone. I don't need access to health care as long as Brangelina is around and happy with that perfect, sexy baby. They are Olympians in the classicial sense. I don't doubt that Brad has wingéd sandals or that he keeps them near the shell on which Angelina arrived when she sprang forth from the foamy winedark sea. We are just lucky to be sharing in this incredible experience that they are having.

Posted by: Geggy | February 15, 2006 2:58 PM

What he said.
And what she said.
Minus the feminism, yuppie killing nonsense, Brangelina dissing (Brangelina...It's so hot right now), K-Fed, I-wish-I-was-Britney's-Baby-Daddy type stuff. Even though she looks like she just hopped out of the trailer...I would still swear allegiance to the Britney.
I also regularly talk about politicians no one under thirty has ever heard of. Since I'm under thirty it makes me appear smarter. Because THAT is exactly how cool I am. So much, that it should be self-depricating...wait..no,no...self-explanitory. Like my use of BIG WORDS..It's cuz I'm Writing a novel..yeah..it's kool. About politics and yuppies..you know..got in 20 words today. 'Hugs'.
Wait...no..I didn't want to say any of the stuff I read here. My brain is melting out of my ear, quick take a polaroid, so I can post it. Yes, you damnit!
Oh yeah, Neal, your little rugrats picture does pull on the heart strings, helps me know they're still floating around in there somewhere. Don't take this the wrong way, I know that has never happened before, but I think the child gets his looks from his mother. And I have no idea what his mother looks like. And on that note, I'll duck out the back door some three thousand miles away.

Posted by: Will | February 15, 2006 7:23 PM

I hate all of you. And if anyone is using his kid as an accessory...

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