Alterna-Family Fun Day
Yesterday we went to McCabe's, the legendary guitar shop, music school, and acoustic venue in Santa Monica. Farmer Jason, the alter-ego of the former lead singer of Jason And The Scorchers, was doing a kid's show. His album, A Day At The Farm With Farmer Jason, is one of the leading documents of a musical movement that must be called, for lack of a better term, "indie rock for kids." It's a concept album of sorts, with the conceit being that Farmer Jason tells kids about the different animals on his farm, and then he rocks out about those animals.
We learned of the concert from Greg, who is the father of Elijah's school friend Sean. Greg is in a kid's band himself, a charming folk outfit called The Hollow Trees, which, according to its legend, is led by a banjo-playing squirrel. Sean pretty much matches Elijah in the adorableness column, except that he's a lot calmer. He and Elijah saw each other and instantly started bouncing. Soon, they were chanting "Farmer Jason! Farmer Jason! Farmer Jason!" even though Elijah, at least, had no idea who that was. This became clear as we waited in line for the box office to open. Elijah pointed to various photographs in McCabe's display window.
"Is that Farmer Jason?" he said.
"No," I said. "That's Jimi Hendrix."
"Is that Farmer Jason?"
"No, that's Robert Johnson."
"How about that?"
"That's Elvis."
"Who are these guys?"
"The Beatles."
"The Beetles?" he said. "Those aren't Beetles."
"They are men who called themselves The Beatles. They were a band. Some people say they were the greatest, but I prefer the Rolling Stones, at least up to Tattoo You."
"I want to see The Beatles!" he said.
"We'll rent Yellow Submarine sometime."
With that bit of fatherly wisdom imparted, we went to the show. Farmer Jason was perfectly good, but he talked too much between the songs for Elijah, who soon got twitchy. I couldn't understand why.
"Because," Regina said, "you've played nothing but loud guitar rock for him since he was a baby. Now anything that's not completely crazy bores him."
"Oh."
"You've created a three-year-old punk-rock snob."
Of course, Jason Ringenberg is an authentic punk-rock icon. But to Elijah, he was just a guy in a red-checkered shirt and a straw hat who was encouraging kids to "do the doggie dance." While Sean sat nicely, Elijah removed his seat cushion and started walking around, letting everyone know that it was, in fact, a "salami pizza." The music simply didn't move him. However, at one point, Farmer Jason mentioned that he was about to sing a song in the style of Johnny Cash. Elijah heard this and his eyes brightened. He began to clap.
"Yay!" he said. "Johnny Cash!"
Regina and I exchanged a knowing, prideful look.
From there, we continued to explore the West Side. After lunch, we went to Venice, where we walked the canals. According to the talk of locals, Venice was once populated solely by abstract painters who were also in the Hell's Angels. Well, these days, it's all concrete-and-glass palazzos, but the canals are still a lovely setting for a family walk.
We strolled and admired the ducks. Elijah stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.
"My pants are wet!" he shrieked.
And they were growing wetter. Soon, his shoes were wet as well. A steady stream of urine piddled down his left leg and pooled on the ground below him.
"Oh my god!" said Regina. "Is he wearing a diaper?"
She checked. He was. But it was upside down and backwards. Plus, both Elijah's legs were going through one hole, leaving the left one wide open for leaks.
"Neal, did you let Elijah put his own diaper on this morning?"
"Yes."
"Why did you do that?"
"I thought he could."
Obviously, I'd been wrong. We went into emergency operations mode, taking off his jeans and his shoes. The shoes were rubber and thus could be cleaned with wipes. The jeans were done for the day. Regina had brought several extra diapers, but no extra pants. Thank god we were only five minutes from the Venice boardwalk, Southern California's leading tourist attraction and therefore a gold-mine of cheap souvenir pants, not to mention T-shirts featuring Calvin smoking a joint.
Later, we were walking down the boardwalk with my friend Jenny, who lives nearby. Elijah had on a new pair of sweatpants. He saw a dog with only two working legs. The dog's back side was connected to a two-wheeled device, and he motored really well using his front paws. It was a touching scene.
"Look!" Elijah said. "That dog is a car!"
I think he's gonna like it here.
Comments
That story would be funnier if it had involved poop.
Posted by: blah | February 27, 2006 3:41 PM
Sometimes, it's number one, not number two. You should know that better than anybody.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | February 27, 2006 3:50 PM
I know, but poop just has more comedic potential. You would have stayed true to the essential truth of the situation if you had just changed the pee to poop. Then, at the end of the story, maybe the dog with only two working legs poops on the sidewalk and your son says something very funny about the poop.
Posted by: blah | February 27, 2006 4:02 PM
I am not James Frey. I will report accurately from the field of battle, even if the truth is somewhat duller than you would like. There will be poop a-plenty in this space, rest assured.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | February 27, 2006 4:05 PM
I like that you won't stoop to Frey's level. I do hear that pooping without anesthetics is terrible and makes for compelling reading (BAYONET! BAYONET!), so you must be praised for resisting the temptation. However, what's so "alterna" about this day you're describing? Kid sees kid music show and kid pees pants. Sounds like the archetypical middle class family experience to me. In fact, I think this scene was in Martin Mull's History of White People in America, although there it also involved Wonder bread and mayo. Were you at least taking fistfuls of your leftover painkillers a la House while you were wandering around Santa Monica pier?
Posted by: Geggy | February 27, 2006 7:45 PM
The "alterna" is meant somewhat ironically...
Posted by: Neal Pollack | February 27, 2006 10:07 PM
After several days of the quiet confines of being the only newborns in the NICU, Isaac and Samara came home to blasting Pantera to get their days back to days and their nights back to nights. After Shoshana spent several days in a German hospital surrounded by all things German, we brought her home and quickly Americanized her with The Offspring, Tool, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, The Beastie Boys, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Sly and the Family Stone. Though we did allow a bit of Die Toten Hosen, deeming it punk enough for our children's ears.
My kids are such rock snobs that if we told them that we were going to a rock-based concert that wasn't System of a Down or The White Stripes I know exactly how they'd response. "This makes me angry! I want the tablecloth song."
Posted by: Sabra | February 28, 2006 5:39 AM
My daughter generally will only listen to straight edge. She was really into Minor Threat when she was three. She gave it up for Fugazi at age four. Everyone else in the trailer park was listening to Pantera and the Offspring, with some Lynryd Skynyrd and Stevie Ray Vaughn thrown in for good measure. Well, that and the typically nightmarish MTV brand pseudo-punk, pseudo-grunge crud from the early 90s that shot past the Sub Pop label and went direct to HEAVY ROTATION (sponsored by Sprite and the zit cream of the month club). Last summer, she went to see Susan Tedeschi and Lucinda Williams on a lark, her first concert that didn't have a mosh pit. She did ask Lucinda to play "Free Bird," a mistake that one can forgive a three-year old girl. She's been asking me lately for Dharma Bums bootlegs from circa 1990 Boise, ID.
Posted by: Pig | February 28, 2006 6:17 PM
So Dan Zanes isn't cool?
Posted by: nancydrew77 | February 28, 2006 10:04 PM
Oh, I wouldn't say that. But my kid's not that into him.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | February 28, 2006 11:05 PM
Rita (4) is much more into Laurie Berkner these days than Dan Zanes. And Jake (16 months) enjoys stomping along with her to "We Are the Dinosaurs." They both enjoy all kinds of grownup music as well, though they're not quite the connoisseurs some kids seem to be.
Posted by: John E. | March 1, 2006 8:03 AM
I was kinda kidding about Dan Zanes. Sometimes when I read the comments I feel like a dork again who hid out in the orchestra room during lunch back in high school. One thing I would never buy for my children is Kidz Bop that music is awful. My son is still small but I get a real kick out of seeing what he digs. When he was really little under five months old the only song that would make him stop crying in the car was "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service. It was weird. And recently, I was listening to Clinic's "Walking with Thee" and the guy yells "NO!" so my son, yells "No!" along with him. He's 18 months tomorrow so "no" is one of the only words he can say clearly.
Posted by: nancydrew77 | March 1, 2006 1:13 PM
I know I'm a dork. Most all the band fags (as we were called back then) hung out in the band room during lunch. We had Spades tournaments and the only two clean bathrooms in the whole school to entice us.
My kids, OTOH. They're cool. But I think I may have burnt them out on kids' songs. We lived in Germany when they were very young and I'd sing to them rather than have watch a Kylie Minogue video for the eleventy billionth time. They haven't asked for their kids song CDs for several months now.
Posted by: Sabra | March 1, 2006 3:05 PM
My little girl only likes Billy and the Boingers (a shame because they cut a mere two songs that are only available on a square plastic record) and Frank Zappa, who wrote a lot of music that kids can groove to (e.g., "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" from Apostrophe, "Montana" from Overnight Sensation, and "Inca Roads" from One Size Fits All). I never spent time in the band room in my high school during lunch. I never went to band camp. My little girl has not had an accident in quite some time; however, she once pooped on the floor after her bath as my wife dried her. I took a picture of the poop on the bath mat. I played Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf for her afterwards, and we read The Cow Who Fell in the Canal before she went to bed, and everything was copacetic.
Posted by: L. Ron Hoover | March 1, 2006 4:10 PM
Dude, Shawn Marion is BEGGING you to write about him. Bryan Colangelo, too.
Posted by: John | March 1, 2006 8:55 PM
Hmmm. I seem to remember you coming to my house and pooh-poohing people who were sad that June Carter Cash had died as the worst kind of pretentious twits.
Twit.
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