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January 24, 2006

Wondertime Is Fundertime

Now that this space has become, until I get interested in or have to promote something else, a child-rearing website, I feel that I must, from time to time, comment on various developments in parenting culture, since the entire concept of "parenting culture" is patently absurd. The only culture most parents experience, other than what satellite TV offers up after 9:30 PM, is the goop at the bottom of the sippy cup that got rolled under the sofa 10 days ago. Chocolate rice milk, I've learned, produces unusual spores.

So with that in mind, let me call your attention to this item. Fisher-Price has instituted a world-wide recall of its Laugh and Learn: Musical Learning Chair after a child received a "slight welt on their neck". As far as I'm concerned, the "toy" should have been recalled the moment it was created. Would you look at this fucking thing? I would not sit my kid in something whose face looks like it might appear on an Ecstasy tab.

My kid has a couple of chairs. One of them even has Clifford The Big Red Dog painted on it. But none of our chairs attempt to emulate "role-play in the home." If they did, would they have rosy-cheeked smiley faces on them? Does anyone play those roles in any home? If we really wanted to role-play the reading experience in my house, we'd have to sit the kid on the toilet and get the cat to climb on his shoulders while he tried to steal 15 minutes of daytime reading. That's more or less how I read these days. The idea that this toy even exists has created a slight welt on my brain. I'm convinced that the toy industry is trying to destroy us all.

Along those lines, we all learned today that the Disney brainwashing corps have devised a magazine called Wondertime, for "education-obsessed parents." Apparently, Wondertime will inform us "how parents can play games with their children in the supermarket: concepts like sorting and math can be taught with apples and oranges in the produce section, and color names can be pointed out while perusing the yogurts."

Ah. How very handy. We also play games with our child in the supermarket, such as "if you don't stop touching the avocados, you won't get any ice cream," and we also teach him very important concepts. For instance, strong-tasting cheese is better than weak-tasting cheese. Don't buy jarred capers unless they're on sale. And, most importantly of all, you only get to eat four yogurt pretzels because I said so.

Do you really need a magazine to tell you how to teach colors and counting to your kids? Here's how you should do it at home, thereby saving you money on your Wondertime subscription.

"Hey, Elijah. This is an orange. What color is an orange? That's right. Orange. Now then, how many oranges am I holding up? That's right. Two. Now how many? That's right. One. OK. Do you want to watch TV now?"

Why don't we have a kid's magazine that teaches parents something important, like how to make a decent IPod playlist for a birthday party? Also, assuming someone else is driving, I think a lot of parents would like a list of fun things to do at the zoo while you're stoned, or maybe a run-down of the ten most oversexualized children's TV characters. Hint: Little Bear is not one of them. But who will provide such a service? Who? Who? Who?

That's right, Elijah. Daddy just wrote three who's. Just like an owl. And owls like to eat bunny rabbits. Isn't that cool?

Wondertime, my ass.

Posted by at 12:33 PM |

Comments

Not Little Bear? The little brown creature who's compelled to streak around in the buff while all the other characters are clothed?

I vote for Greg Wiggle. He gives me the fucking creeps, like he backhands the other Wiggles off camera or something.

Posted by: flea | January 24, 2006 7:23 PM

Good call on Greg Wiggle. I don't know if he backhands the other Wiggles, but I'm sure he cries like a little girl when his cohorts screw up a taping:


"Criminy Captain Feathersword, it's roll across the floor, jump to your feet, then do-se-do with Wags the Dog off stage LEFT! Is it really that difficult? STAGE LEFT, you...you fucking fuck!" (sobs)


Greg also gets bonus points for adding about 60 pounds between the Wiggles 1990s Aussie heyday and their 21st century Disney-fication.

Having said that, I nominate Francine from PBS's Arthur is the most oversexualized character, insofar as she is unquestionably a huge lesbian. Even Peppermint Patty is intimated by that girl.

But Marcy isn't...


Posted by: Anonymous | January 24, 2006 8:51 PM

My vote's for Boo-Bah, though I think neckless jeweled-toned mute Kewpie dolls *are* considered sexy in somewhere like Japan.

Posted by: Sabra | January 25, 2006 5:45 AM

More funny than kids role playing reading is this:

http://community.livejournal.com/childfree/

That people would call you and Regina "breeders", that she would be one of the "dumb breeding sows that have leaked out their IQ through the placenta and breastmilk", and Elijah would be a "little screaming bag of meat" or "crotchling."

I find this kind of hatred funny.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 25, 2006 7:22 AM

I see what you're seeing about Little Bear. He also celebrates pagan holidays. My vote goes to June from Little Einsteins, who wears a tutu and is always cocking her hips seductively. The rest of the kids are totally sexless. I swear to god I'm not making this up.

Posted by: Neal Pollack | January 25, 2006 12:11 PM

My vote is for Stephanie from that show Lazy Town. It's like a weird Icelandic kids show with Euro Techno Dance Pop songs. Stephanie wears a pink wig and pink outfit. She is the only human child on the show. Somebody has to have seen this. It's creepy.

Posted by: nancydrew77 | January 25, 2006 11:45 PM

Does anybody remember Barney? C'mon,that's weird. I spent many years babysitting my little sister as she demonically chanted the, "I love you, you love me, where a great big family..."

My soul still shudders.
Gay teletubbies or not.

Posted by: Will Pence | January 26, 2006 10:27 AM

Ah, yes. Stephanie from Lazy Town. I always wondered what she and the mustachioed Sportacus were up to.

Posted by: Neal Pollack | January 26, 2006 10:56 AM

The parenting theme is welcomed. i can't tell you how it great it is to know someone else who fails to see the rationale behind "nicely" telling your preschooler to stop touching all the produce, or telling the kid to "stop pulling the dog's tail or she will turn around and bite your face off, and then you won't be able to go to school because you won't have a face, so i better call the teacher and tell her you're not coming. Where's the phone..." Let me know when you figure out how to stop the biting thing.

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