Wondertime Is Fundertime
Now that this space has become, until I get interested in or have to promote something else, a child-rearing website, I feel that I must, from time to time, comment on various developments in parenting culture, since the entire concept of "parenting culture" is patently absurd. The only culture most parents experience, other than what satellite TV offers up after 9:30 PM, is the goop at the bottom of the sippy cup that got rolled under the sofa 10 days ago. Chocolate rice milk, I've learned, produces unusual spores.
So with that in mind, let me call your attention to this item. Fisher-Price has instituted a world-wide recall of its Laugh and Learn: Musical Learning Chair after a child received a "slight welt on their neck". As far as I'm concerned, the "toy" should have been recalled the moment it was created. Would you look at this fucking thing? I would not sit my kid in something whose face looks like it might appear on an Ecstasy tab.
My kid has a couple of chairs. One of them even has Clifford The Big Red Dog painted on it. But none of our chairs attempt to emulate "role-play in the home." If they did, would they have rosy-cheeked smiley faces on them? Does anyone play those roles in any home? If we really wanted to role-play the reading experience in my house, we'd have to sit the kid on the toilet and get the cat to climb on his shoulders while he tried to steal 15 minutes of daytime reading. That's more or less how I read these days. The idea that this toy even exists has created a slight welt on my brain. I'm convinced that the toy industry is trying to destroy us all.
Along those lines, we all learned today that the Disney brainwashing corps have devised a magazine called Wondertime, for "education-obsessed parents." Apparently, Wondertime will inform us "how parents can play games with their children in the supermarket: concepts like sorting and math can be taught with apples and oranges in the produce section, and color names can be pointed out while perusing the yogurts."
Ah. How very handy. We also play games with our child in the supermarket, such as "if you don't stop touching the avocados, you won't get any ice cream," and we also teach him very important concepts. For instance, strong-tasting cheese is better than weak-tasting cheese. Don't buy jarred capers unless they're on sale. And, most importantly of all, you only get to eat four yogurt pretzels because I said so.
Do you really need a magazine to tell you how to teach colors and counting to your kids? Here's how you should do it at home, thereby saving you money on your Wondertime subscription.
"Hey, Elijah. This is an orange. What color is an orange? That's right. Orange. Now then, how many oranges am I holding up? That's right. Two. Now how many? That's right. One. OK. Do you want to watch TV now?"
Why don't we have a kid's magazine that teaches parents something important, like how to make a decent IPod playlist for a birthday party? Also, assuming someone else is driving, I think a lot of parents would like a list of fun things to do at the zoo while you're stoned, or maybe a run-down of the ten most oversexualized children's TV characters. Hint: Little Bear is not one of them. But who will provide such a service? Who? Who? Who?
That's right, Elijah. Daddy just wrote three who's. Just like an owl. And owls like to eat bunny rabbits. Isn't that cool?
Wondertime, my ass.







Comments
Not Little Bear? The little brown creature who's compelled to streak around in the buff while all the other characters are clothed?
I vote for Greg Wiggle. He gives me the fucking creeps, like he backhands the other Wiggles off camera or something.
Posted by: flea | January 24, 2006 7:23 PM
Good call on Greg Wiggle. I don't know if he backhands the other Wiggles, but I'm sure he cries like a little girl when his cohorts screw up a taping:
"Criminy Captain Feathersword, it's roll across the floor, jump to your feet, then do-se-do with Wags the Dog off stage LEFT! Is it really that difficult? STAGE LEFT, you...you fucking fuck!" (sobs)
Greg also gets bonus points for adding about 60 pounds between the Wiggles 1990s Aussie heyday and their 21st century Disney-fication.
Having said that, I nominate Francine from PBS's Arthur is the most oversexualized character, insofar as she is unquestionably a huge lesbian. Even Peppermint Patty is intimated by that girl.
But Marcy isn't...
Posted by: Anonymous | January 24, 2006 8:51 PM
My vote's for Boo-Bah, though I think neckless jeweled-toned mute Kewpie dolls *are* considered sexy in somewhere like Japan.
Posted by: Sabra | January 25, 2006 5:45 AM
More funny than kids role playing reading is this:
http://community.livejournal.com/childfree/
That people would call you and Regina "breeders", that she would be one of the "dumb breeding sows that have leaked out their IQ through the placenta and breastmilk", and Elijah would be a "little screaming bag of meat" or "crotchling."
I find this kind of hatred funny.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 25, 2006 7:22 AM
I see what you're seeing about Little Bear. He also celebrates pagan holidays. My vote goes to June from Little Einsteins, who wears a tutu and is always cocking her hips seductively. The rest of the kids are totally sexless. I swear to god I'm not making this up.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | January 25, 2006 12:11 PM
My vote is for Stephanie from that show Lazy Town. It's like a weird Icelandic kids show with Euro Techno Dance Pop songs. Stephanie wears a pink wig and pink outfit. She is the only human child on the show. Somebody has to have seen this. It's creepy.
Posted by: nancydrew77 | January 25, 2006 11:45 PM
Does anybody remember Barney? C'mon,that's weird. I spent many years babysitting my little sister as she demonically chanted the, "I love you, you love me, where a great big family..."
My soul still shudders.
Gay teletubbies or not.
Posted by: Will Pence | January 26, 2006 10:27 AM
Ah, yes. Stephanie from Lazy Town. I always wondered what she and the mustachioed Sportacus were up to.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | January 26, 2006 10:56 AM
The parenting theme is welcomed. i can't tell you how it great it is to know someone else who fails to see the rationale behind "nicely" telling your preschooler to stop touching all the produce, or telling the kid to "stop pulling the dog's tail or she will turn around and bite your face off, and then you won't be able to go to school because you won't have a face, so i better call the teacher and tell her you're not coming. Where's the phone..." Let me know when you figure out how to stop the biting thing.
Posted by: Marcus | January 26, 2006 1:48 PM
For you mobile phone free nokia ringtones here.
Posted by: Aaron | April 2, 2006 11:29 AM
Cheap Viagra
Posted by: Billy | June 2, 2006 4:53 PM
order viagra
Posted by: Haree | June 2, 2006 7:15 PM
shannon elizabeth nude
Posted by: Junior | June 2, 2006 7:21 PM
Teen Girls
Posted by: Halod | June 2, 2006 8:30 PM
Shannon Elizabeth Nude
Posted by: Halo | June 2, 2006 9:35 PM
burglar alarm
Posted by: James | June 2, 2006 9:55 PM
Vida Guerra Nude
Posted by: Jane | June 3, 2006 1:00 AM
Free Music Download
Free Music
download mp3 music free
free mp3 music download
free music downloads
music video download
music download
download music
music
free music downloads
download online music
music video
music downloads
yahoo music
free music
aol music
dowload music
50 cent music
myspace music
country music
live music
free music video
free mp3 music download
eminem music
online music
downloading music
listen to music
mp3 download
free mp3 downloads
free mp3 music download
free mp3
download free mp3
download free mp3 music
download mp3 music
mp3 music
free mp3 music
buy download mp3 music
FREE MUSIC
free mp3 music
Posted by: Margo | June 3, 2006 3:11 AM
baccarat
Posted by: Trevor | June 3, 2006 3:35 AM
baccarat
Posted by: Oliver | June 3, 2006 3:49 AM
Horse Sex
Posted by: Rokkoa | June 3, 2006 4:27 AM
ACCIDENT CAR FLORIDA LAWYER
Posted by: Neo | June 3, 2006 12:11 PM
MEDICAL MALPRACTICE LAWYER
Posted by: Diesel | June 3, 2006 2:21 PM
Purchase Valium
Posted by: Kir | June 3, 2006 2:50 PM
Purchase Xanax
Posted by: Billy | June 3, 2006 4:47 PM
FLORIDA VACATION RENTAL
Posted by: Junior | June 3, 2006 5:00 PM
MAUI VACATION RENTAL
Posted by: Dominic | June 3, 2006 6:39 PM
[url=http://trish-stratus-bas1.blogspot.com]Trish Stratus[/url]
Posted by: Aarona | June 3, 2006 7:08 PM
Purchase Valium Online
Posted by: Heel | June 3, 2006 7:31 PM
BUY EPHEDRA ONLINE
Posted by: Rustie | June 3, 2006 9:04 PM
Purchase Ambien
Posted by: Nelly | June 3, 2006 11:54 PM
Briana Banks
Posted by: Funkiea | June 4, 2006 2:42 AM
DONATE A CAR
Posted by: WebMan | June 4, 2006 4:00 AM
Purchase Tramadol
Posted by: Sasha | June 4, 2006 6:04 AM
Insurance Leads
Posted by: Halo | June 4, 2006 6:18 AM
Insurance Leads
Posted by: Aron | June 4, 2006 6:27 AM
Purchase Viagra Online
Posted by: Damn | June 4, 2006 8:13 AM
Holiday Insurance
Posted by: Neo | June 4, 2006 8:45 AM
buy viagra
Posted by: Corey | June 4, 2006 9:41 AM
LASER EYE SURGERY
Posted by: Hakee | June 4, 2006 10:17 AM
Purchase Viagra
Posted by: Halo | June 4, 2006 10:53 AM
Robots Dirt Cheap Airline Tickets
Really Cheap Airline Ticket
Robots Cheap Last Minute Airline Ticket
Cheap Last Minute Airline Ticket
Dirt Cheap Airline Tickets
Low Cost Airline Tickets
Airline Tickets Italy
Airline Tickets
Cheap Airline Tickets
Cheap Airline Tickets London
Posted by: Heel | June 4, 2006 1:23 PM
Discount Cruise Travel
Cruise Travel Magazine
Family Cruise Travel
Travel Cruise
Online Cruise Travel Agent
Cruise Travel Agent
European Cruise Travel Vacation
Group Cruise Travel
Cruise Travel Vacation
Cruise Travel Agenc
Cruise Travel
Cruise Travel Agencies Online
South America Cruise Travel
Posted by: Diesel | June 4, 2006 4:10 PM
immigration
Posted by: Arnie | June 4, 2006 6:06 PM
Cialis Online Pharmacy
Posted by: Rustie | June 4, 2006 6:31 PM
Female Orgasm
Posted by: Billa | June 4, 2006 7:08 PM
Mortgage Refinance Rate
Posted by: Damn | June 4, 2006 8:00 PM
free blackjack games
Posted by: Margo | June 4, 2006 10:53 PM
FREE NOKIA RINGTONE
FREE NOKIA RINGTONES
FREE POLYPHONIC RINGTONE
FREE POLYPHONIC RINGTONES
FREE CELL PHONE RINGTONES
FREE CELL PHONES RINGTONES
FREE MOTOROLA RINGTONES
FREE RINGTONE DOWNLOADS
FREE CELLPHONE RINGTONES
FREE REAL RINGTONES
Posted by: Rokko | June 4, 2006 11:09 PM
Free Polyphonic Ringtone
Posted by: Jameel | June 5, 2006 1:03 AM
Free Nokia Ringtones
Posted by: WebMan | June 5, 2006 4:03 AM
Female Masturbation
Posted by: WebMana | June 5, 2006 4:39 AM
Lg C2000 Cell Phone Ringtones
How To Send Ringtones To A Cell Phone
Green Day Verizon Wireless Cell Phone Ringtones
Free Ringtones For Motorola Cell Phone
Free Ringtones For A Verizon Cell Phone
Make Ringtones For My Cell Phone
Free Ringtones For Your Virgin Mobile Cell Phone
Free Ringtones Sent To Cell Phone
Free Cell Phone Ringtones For Alltel
Free Acs Wireless Cell Phone Ringtones
Posted by: Hero | June 5, 2006 4:48 AM
Free Music Ringtones
Posted by: Funkie | June 5, 2006 6:53 AM
Free Bollywood Mp3 Ringtones Download
Download Free Mobile Ringtones Compose
Download Free Motorola I860 Games And Ringtones
Download Free Motorola Wallpaper Ringtones
Download Free Indian Polyphonic Ringtones
Download Free Crazy Frog Ringtones For Samsung
Download Free T-mobile Ringtones
Free Ringtones Download Mobile
Free Ringtones Download To Pc
Free Mp3 Ringtones Download
Posted by: Aron | June 5, 2006 9:15 AM
Big Tits
Posted by: Damna | June 5, 2006 11:10 AM
Polyphonic Ringtones Of Sony Ericsson
Ringtones For Sony Ericsson T300
Polyphonic Ringtones For Ericsson T300
Sony Ericsson T230 Ringtones
Ericsson Download Able Ringtones
Ericsson Free Ringtones For Keypress
Free Download Able Ringtones For Ericsson
Sony Ericsson T226 Ringtones
Free Ringtones For My Sony Ericsson T68i
Free Ericsson T316 Ringtones
Posted by: Tifany | June 5, 2006 1:11 PM
Free Motorola Ringtones
Posted by: Dominic | June 5, 2006 2:43 PM
Free Ringtones For Nextel I265
Nextel Ringtones For I870
Nextel Ringtones Downloads For Free
Nextel I710 Ringtones
Nextel Ringtones Hack
Nextel Real Music Ringtones
Totally Free Nextel Ringtones
Free Ringtones For Nextel I530
Free Ringtones For A Nextel Phone
Free I560 Nextel Ringtones
Posted by: Haree | June 5, 2006 3:27 PM
Free Ringtones For My Phone
Posted by: JeyZee | June 5, 2006 5:21 PM
Free Cell Phones Ringtones
Posted by: JeyZee | June 5, 2006 7:23 PM
Free Polyphonic Ringtones To Compose
Free Polyphonic Ringtones United States
Free Polyphonic Ringtones In Keypress
Free Polyphonic Ringtones For Sprint Sanyo Phones
Free Motorola T720 Polyphonic Composer Ringtones
Polyphonic Ringtones For A Nokia 3585i Phone
Verizon Polyphonic Ringtones
Free Polyphonic Ringtones Sms Usa
Free Polyphonic Ringtones In The United States
Polyphonic Ringtones For Nextel Phones
Posted by: Mura | June 5, 2006 8:04 PM
Free Cell Phone Ringtones
Posted by: Dominic | June 5, 2006 10:34 PM
Free Polyphonic Ringtones
Posted by: Kir | June 6, 2006 1:11 AM
Tracfone Ringtones
Ringtone Software
Mp3 Ringtone
Free Sanyo Ringtones
Free Virgin Mobile Ringtones
Cheap Polyphonic Ringtones
Polyphonic Ringtones For Motorola
Turkey Gobble Ringtones
Ringtones For Nextel Phones
Free Download Nokia Ringtones
Posted by: Sasha | June 6, 2006 1:15 AM
download songs
limewire
free mp3 download
free mp3
free music
download music
mp3
music
myspace music
music video
music free
download free music
free kazaa
music download
free music download
music downloads
free music downloads
free music video
limewire
Posted by: Vincent | June 6, 2006 1:35 AM
free ringtones fo verizon
Posted by: Hakee | June 6, 2006 4:00 AM
Free Ringtones For Motorola Verizon
Ringtones For Verizon Motorolla V60
Ringtones Verizon Download
Nelly Ringtones For Verizon
Real Ringtones For Verizon Cellular Phones
Verizon Wireless Ringtones Notre Dame
Mojave 3 Ringtones Verizon
Lg 5200 Verizon Ringtones
Download Ringtones Verizon Free
Ringtones For Verizon Lg 6100 Phone
Posted by: Funkie | June 6, 2006 4:03 AM
System Of A Down
Posted by: Juniora | June 6, 2006 4:05 AM
Sexy Girls
Posted by: Neoa | June 6, 2006 8:23 AM
Order Tramadol Online
Posted by: Diesel | June 6, 2006 9:34 AM
Buy Tramadol
Posted by: Bill | June 6, 2006 11:55 AM
Mesothelioma
Posted by: Rustie | June 6, 2006 2:19 PM
Car Insurance Quote
Car Insurance Rate
Cheap Car Insurance
Car Insurance Online
Online Car Insurance
Florida Car Insurance
Car Part Auto Insurance
Quote Car Insurance
Car Insurance
Insurance Car
Posted by: Heel | June 6, 2006 2:55 PM
Free Car Insurance Quote
Cheap Car Insurance Quote
Car Insurance Quote Online
Online Car Insurance Quote
Uk Car Insurance Quote
Car Insurance Online Quote
Quote For Car Insurance
Car Insurance Quote Canada
Car Insurance Quote
Quote Car Insurance
Posted by: Sasha | June 6, 2006 5:32 PM
Buy Ultram Online
Posted by: Haree | June 6, 2006 5:50 PM
Insurance Brokers
Posted by: Heel | June 6, 2006 6:01 PM
Low Car Insurance Rate
Best Car Insurance Rate
Michigan Car Insurance Rate
Average Car Insurance Rate
Canadian Car Insurance Rate
Car Insurance Rate Quote
Compare Car Insurance Rate
Car Insurance Rate
Online Car Insurance Rate
Cheap Car Insurance Rate
Posted by: Rokko | June 6, 2006 10:01 PM
Cheap Car Insurance Uk
Cheap Car Insurance Rate
Cheap Car Insurance Online
Cheap Online Car Insurance Quote
Cheap Car Insurance In The Uk
Online Cheap Car Insurance
Car Insurance Uk Cheap
Cheap Car Insurance
Cheap Car Insurance Quote
Car Cheap Insurance
Posted by: Diesel | June 7, 2006 2:37 AM
free nokia ringtones
Posted by: Corey | June 7, 2006 2:44 AM
Car Insurance For Woman Driver
Cheap Car Insurance For Woman Uk
Car Insurance Quote For Woman
Car Insurance For Young Woman
Diamond Car Insurance For Woman
Cheap Car Insurance For Woman Driver
Car Insurance For Woman Only
Car Insurance For Woman
Cheap Car Insurance For Woman
Car Insurance For Woman Uk
Posted by: Dominic | June 7, 2006 4:01 AM
online casinos
Posted by: Merlin | June 7, 2006 6:02 AM
Car Insurance Quote Online
Online Car Insurance Quote
Online Car Insurance Rate
Car Insurance Online Quote
Cheap Car Insurance Online
Free Online Car Insurance Quote
Cheap Online Car Insurance Quote
Car Part Auto Insurance
Car Insurance Online
Online Car Insurance
Posted by: Funkie | June 7, 2006 6:29 AM
Online Car Insurance Policy
Auto Insurance Quote Car Policy
Car Insurance Quote Policy Auto
Car Insurance Policy Template
100 300 Car Insurance Policy
Insurance Quote Car Policy
100 300 Car Insurance Policy Pain And Suffering
Car Insurance Policy
Car Insurance Policy Uk
Car Insurance Online Policy
Posted by: Hakee | June 7, 2006 8:06 AM
Sex Stories
Posted by: Arniea | June 7, 2006 9:21 AM
internet casino
Posted by: Milena | June 7, 2006 9:22 AM
poker
Posted by: Frank | June 7, 2006 10:16 AM
Car Insurance Discount
Car Discount Insurance Military
Discount Car Insurance Uk
Car Discount Insurance Student
Student Car Discount Insurance
Cheap Discount Car Insurance Bad Driver
Online Discount Car Insurance
Discount Car Insurance
Discount Car Insurance Company
Discount Car Insurance Broker
Posted by: Halo | June 7, 2006 10:40 AM
very young teen
Posted by: WebMan | June 7, 2006 3:35 PM
Black Pussy
Posted by: Tifanya | June 7, 2006 4:34 PM
paris hilton sex tape
Posted by: Dominic | June 7, 2006 5:42 PM
You guys are the 66218 best, thanks so much for the help.
Posted by: Caty Tota | June 7, 2006 6:40 PM
poker
Posted by: Arnie | June 7, 2006 8:11 PM
cheap airline tickets london
Posted by: Kristina | June 7, 2006 9:04 PM
Tiffany Engagement Ring
Buying Engagement Ring
Engagement Ring Setting
Sapphire Diamond Engagement Ring
Mans Engagement Ring
Engagement Ring Price
Engagement Ring Guide
Emerald Engagement Ring
Solitaire Engagement Ring
Pink Diamond Engagement Ring
Posted by: Kir | June 7, 2006 10:26 PM
free ringtones
Posted by: Kir | June 7, 2006 10:51 PM
low cost airline tickets
Posted by: Ricko | June 8, 2006 12:06 AM
gambling online
Posted by: Quincy | June 8, 2006 3:36 AM
buy cheap fioricet
buy lipitor
buy paxil
carisoprodol 350mg
discount fioricet
fioricet overnight
fioricet without prescription
generic fioricet
generic paxil
online prescription for adipex
paxil cr
paxil without prescription
percocet without prescription
Posted by: Karen | June 8, 2006 5:58 AM
buy cheap fioricet
buy lipitor
buy paxil
carisoprodol 350mg
discount fioricet
fioricet overnight
fioricet without prescription
generic fioricet
generic paxil
online prescription for adipex
paxil cr
paxil without prescription
percocet without prescription
Posted by: Trevor | June 8, 2006 6:10 AM
free nokia ringtones
Posted by: Tommy | June 8, 2006 8:52 AM
High School Musical
Posted by: Dominica | June 8, 2006 9:51 AM