The Terror Of Tiny Town
Wednesday afternoon, I sat at my desk exultantly. There were many reasons. First, I'd passed my driver's test earlier that day. Second, I'd learned that the New York Times Magazine would be publishing another excerpt from Alternadad on January 29. I'd also received an assignment from Nerve.com to write a short-story for their Sex In The Future issue, which is sponsored by a vodka company. For a freelance writer, the days rarely get better than that. I decided to celebrate, pre-4:20, by pulling out my vaporizer. But before I could get that sweet nectar mist down my gullet, my cell phone rang. It was Regina.
"It has begun," she said.
She'd gone to pick up Elijah at school. I knew immediately what she meant. Those of you who've followed our epic family saga from my first Salon.com article until this moment know as well.
"No," I said.
"He bit someone today."
A brief paused occurred while I gathered steam for my temper tamtrum.
"Goddamnit to hell!" I said. "Shit! Shit! Fuck!"
"His teacher said she sat him down and talked to him for a long time about it. Apparently, some kid took his toy."
"What is wrong with him?"
"I think he's still freaked out about our move. He loved his school in Austin."
"Fuck the fucking move! He can't bite other kids!"
"What is wrong with us?"
"I don't know."
"I'm going to talk to him on the way home."
While she did that, I did what any sane person would do in a moment of histrionic family crisis. I called my own mother.
"He's ruining our life!" I said to her.
"You need to get help," she said.
"We can't afford help!"
"Neal, you just said your son is ruining your life. You can't afford not to get help."
"He's not ruining our life overall. Just right now."
"Well, I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't want you to say anything. I just want him to stop the goddamn biting!"
"Don't yell at me. It's not my fault."
"I didn't say it was your fault and I'm not yelling at you! OK, I am yelling, but not at you..."
This went on unproductively for a few minutes, and then Regina and Elijah came home. She'd learned certain things about the incident, which had found its genesis in a dispute over a toy. This didn't thrill me, but I felt a little better, since Elijah's previous biting jag, which had occurred two preschools ago, seemed to have been based in some sort of quasi-sexual obsession with a little girl. Biting a boy in a toy dispute, while not acceptable, at least fell into the we-can-deal-with-this range. Elijah looked sheepish, and you would as well if you'd just undergone a 20-minute car ride that turned into a lecture about using your words and about how if you bite someone you don't get a popsicle. There wasn't a lot I could add to the conversation, other than to calmly tell Elijah that he had to be a good boy.
A couple of hours later, a college student came over. I'd happened upon a cache of babysitters a week earlier while walking Hercules around the neighborhood. He fell into a game of yip-and-sniff with a Boston/pug mix puppy that made Herc look like Ernest Borgnine, and Herc is usually the cutest dog in the room. The dog was so cute that I knocked on the door of its owners' house. It turned out that the owner is the track coach at Occidental College, and therefore has an ever-replenishing roster of young women who need babysitting money. I felt a little sad that I was at the point where a roster of girls' phone numbers meant nothing more to me than child-care options, but that was quickly replaced when the sitter arrived, which meant Regina and I got to go to the Suns-Clippers game.
We took the train downtown, making us the Los Angeles equivalent of carny freaks. But the Gold Line is pretty close to our house and we avoided the traffic on the 110. The whole ride, we talked about how we'd failed Elijah as parents and about how difficult Elijah was. We wondered how anyone ever survived having two kids. Regina seemed to think that no one else ever experienced behavior problems like the ones we'd been experiencing. I told her that the fact that a couple of her friends have mellow kids doesn't constitute scientific proof.
Anyway, the Suns played great, as has been their hallmark since around mid-December. I enjoyed the requisite Shawn Marion alley-oops, but my favorite play occurred at the end of an insane 22-4 second quarter run. Steve Nash hucked an outlet pass three-quarters of the way down the court, just to the left below the foul line. Leandro Barbosa caught the pass but bobbled it, droping to his knees. He turned and handed the ball to Eddie House, who had been right behind him on the break. And then House drained a three. I thought it was a freak piece of genius improvisation, but then they pulled the same stunt last night against the Lakers, only this time more smoothly. Only the Suns could run a set play like that and get away with it. I'm increasingly convinced that this team could actually win a championship this year. Mike D'Antoni is the most revolutionary NBA coach since Phil Jackson began handing out books in the triangle offense, and god knows he's got the horses.
We got home around 11 PM. The sitter said Elijah had been great and had gone to bed without any trouble. The boy woke up the next morning in a good mood, informed us that he wasn't going to bite anyone at school anymore, and went off happily. Later, he came home full of news that he'd ridden a bicycle of sorts and that he'd tried to feed clay to a goldfish. Since then, he's been a delight, even if our conversations go like this:
"Daddy, is the Iron Giant a giant robot?"
"Yes, son."
"Is he a giant robot dinosaur who lives underwater and fights sea monsters?"
"Um."
"Do sea monsters smell like tigers?"
"Um."
"They do."
"OK."
"And also like monkey poo!"
The devil had become an angel. Myth teaches us that they're very difficult to tell apart.
PS: I'd like to add that I've upgraded to a new version of Movable Type, which, for you non-blog geeks, means that you no longer have to register to post comments here. Apparently, this new spam filter is good. So you fine people can now feel free again to discuss various topics of importance that I bring up here. Hopefully, the penis enlargement links won't follow.
Comments
I'm pretty sure that if you can convince Elijah's classmates to smear castor oil or liver all over their bodies, the biting problem will soon go away.
Posted by: Scott the Reader | January 21, 2006 4:42 PM
You have got to straighten out that kid of yours, Neal.
Sea monsters do not smell like monkey poo.
Posted by: G Thorn | January 21, 2006 5:20 PM
What does monkey poo smell like?
Sea monsters!
Duh!!
Posted by: Big Will![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://nealpollack.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 21, 2006 6:39 PM
Hopefully, the penis enlargement links won't follow.
Well, now, let's not be too hasty ... maybe some of your readers would find such links useful ...
Posted by: Dadahead | January 22, 2006 10:35 AM
Supernanny's services are likely free and if you don't want strings of expletives bleeped out on national television, I can dispense as much advice as you can stand. All three of my kids are "spirited" and I wouldn't know a mellow one if he or she bit me....
Posted by: Sabra | January 22, 2006 12:10 PM
In March we'll be picking up our 3 year old grandson from the East Coast. He'll be staying with us for about six weeks. I'll call you if I need advice. Although I can't say you were much help when I confessed that my daughter listens to Barry Manilow and Barbra Streisand. Stay tuned.
Posted by: MichaelG | January 23, 2006 6:32 AM
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Posted by: MichaelB | January 23, 2006 6:35 AM
Michael:
One cannot control one's child's musical tastes. You can only expose them to as much rock as possible, and hope it sticks. Maybe if you play chick rock, like, say, The Donnas and The Fastbacks, or youth rock with female singers, like The Epoxies, The Gossip, Pretty Girls Make Graves, or The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, your daugther will turn.
Posted by: Neal Pollack | January 23, 2006 8:21 AM
Nah, it's too late. She's 28, married and lives on the East Coast. It's her husband's problem anyway. He has to listen, I don't.
Posted by: MichaelG | January 23, 2006 9:01 AM
My son bit ME yesterday. He was mad at me for making me give a toy back to his friend (a green Power Ranger on a motorcycle -- can you even blame him?), and when I tried to hold him so he wouldn't throw the toy, he bit my arm. Hard.
I can tell you that on those rare occasions when my son has bitten me, I have come as close as I ever hope to to hitting him. The self-protective reflex is just so close to the surface: You hit me? Well, then I will hit you! Oh wait, you're only 36" tall. Hmm. Maybe I should consider an alternate solution...
Anyway, I'm glad it seems to have only been the one incident.
*crosses fingers*
*on both hands*
Posted by: Jenny | January 23, 2006 6:47 PM
Slap em first, ask questions later.
CPS got nothing on you, only what little Billy Ray is told to tell them.
Right, Billy Ray..Right?
In the background you can do the, "Why I ought to" hand smack wave/threat while forcibly smiling and saying, "Mommy loves you, if only Daddy didn't drink so much and run around with whores, you might have had a chance."
You can do whatever works best for you though. Just a suggestion. I got plenty more, just ask. My # is 867-5309.
But you have to sing it. I won't answer UNLESS you sing the number. Got it.
Posted by: Big Will![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://nealpollack.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 23, 2006 8:03 PM
Oh, BW. If only that were the first time someone had sung / repeated / asked me if that was my number, or even the 11th time, it might still be funny.
But no. Unfortunately, my real name is Jenny, and even though there are 100 songs with the name Jenny in the title, there is only one that has Jenny in the title and a phone number in the chorus. And I have heard it 1000 times.
Eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-ni-uh-i-un...
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