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January 26, 2006

An Hour Of Dangerous Television

Oprah is wearing Blue Velvet. Oprah is Pissed. James Frey, Oprah's gaze indicates, is a Cocksucker. Even worse, he's a Dickless Cocksucker without Balls. Also, he has a Beard and he is Ugly. Well, not Ugly, exactly, but unappealing and rodenty. The Face Of Evil is Pink and Bearded.

Commercial Break. Oh, man, is this gonna be entertaining. At last, three years of focused, bitter hatred will be justified. At last, I will vindicate my Cock Tattoo, which caused my Cock to bleed when I received it from a bisexual drug addict with AIDS. So now, James Frey, I want you to Suck My Cock Tattoo That Reads, "Suck My Cock, James Frey."

Back to the show. Oprah feels Duped. James Frey wears Khakis. Oprah doesn't know what it True and what isn't. James Frey, you are an asshole. The Smoking Gun was right! Goddamn it, Frey. What is your fucking problem?

Frey "Made A Mistake." Frey Is A Mistake. I am eating your lies on Oprah and Shitting them out and eating the shit for lunch, Frey! My wife used to be a Prostitute, and then she killed herself because she found out you were a Liar. Yesterday, I removed my Teeth with a Pliers and then removed someone else's teeth with the same Pliers and replaced my teeth with them. Because you are a Liar, James Frey.

James Frey, I am hitting you over your head with a Chair in my Mind. I Fucked Lily on the day she died. I Fucked her after she was Dead. I Hung myself while she cut her wrists, but I didn't Die. No, I'm kidding. I was making that up. But it was still true. Or at least it was a Memoir. My Friend Leonard is dead as well. Also, I Fucked Him. And I Fucked your Friend Leonard, too.

The book is about Drug Addiction and Alcoholism, and that makes it true, Frey says. In order to celebrate that retarded statement, let me take a hit off this Pipe, which contains White Widow. And that's true. I'm struggling with my Drug Addiction right now. My Face is on Fire. Actually, I just want to eat a Candy Bar.

Frey is lying about the Dentist scene. Even if he's not, he's still a Pussy. I once performed heart surgery on myself without painkillers, James Frey. And I wasn't even sick. Good lord. Are all writers this Wimpy? James Frey, you put our noble profession to shame. Oprah has called James Frey a Liar A Million Little Times on this show. James Frey's career is Over. I still think he should be thrown in jail for longer than Sixteen Hours so someone can perform a Root Canal on his Ass.

Why does Joel Stein get to appear on Oprah as a pundit? Why do James Frey and Joel Stein get to speak for my Generation? At least Joel Stein isn't a Dickless Liar, and he looks better without the glasses.

Nan Talese has had a Root Canal without Novocaine. But she didn't write a damn Memoir. Goddamn it. Oprah is smarter than everyone in the Book Business put together. Except for the people in the book business who I know or who I might meet someday. Nan Talese thinks the book had "Authenticity"? Sure, Nan, and Gay wasn't fucking around on you while he was writing Thy Neighbor's Wife." I'm kidding, Nan. Please invite me to a Dinner Party sometime. Please don't turn the National Book Awards committee against me.

Nan Talese edited Rosalynn Carter's book. And she says that Rosalynn Carter is a Liar, too. I thought it was strange that Rosalynn claimed that she liked to go go plane crash sites so she could fuck Dead, Charred Bodies. But it's a Memoir. And it's her Truth.

You'd better drink that water, Frey. Or is it Vodka mixed with Blood?

Oprah is Embarrassed. Don't Fuck With Oprah. A Novel Is Something Different Than A Memoir. I Have A Headache. If I were to write a Memoir of my Drug Addiction, it would be called, I Smoked Pot And Sent A Silly Email To My Ex-Girlfriend, And Then I Watched Futurama For A While.

Maureen Dowd really Turns Me On sometimes. James Frey has a Bony Little Butt, indeed. Joel Stein is apologetic for the book, a little, because I think Joel Stein would do it if he had the chance. I know a little something about Literary Ambition, and I can see it in Stein's eyes. Did he snort coke off his coworkers' tits at Entertainment Weekly? Oh, I'm not being fair to Joel Stein. If you read this, Joel, I live in L.A. Buy me Lunch.

Richard Cohen is addicted to Bagels. God, he is such a Jew. Oprah is our country's Principal's Office. I want to see Oprah Spank him. I want Maureen Down to Spank me. But she can probably do better. Check that. I once had a Three-way with Maureen Dowd and Richard Cohen, but Cohen split long before I Came.

By the way, everything in my forthcoming memoir is True. Really. Frank Rich is talking about Truthiness, but I really don't dabble in that. Some things really are true. The only thing that's not true is that I'm not a Holocaust Survivor. But that will come out in the editing.

Oprah is not interested in bashing on Jessica Simpson and the Bush Administration. She's too busy for Cultural Journalism. It is very obvious that Frank Rich eats Rich Franks sometimes. But hey. The guy's earned it.

I bet that this is the only time that Roy Peter Clark will appear on Oprah. Especially because of that lame Halle Berry joke. Did James Frey really write "Remember The Truth. It's All That Matters?" God, he's such a Cocksucker. If he'd written about "certain events in a different way," as he says, then the book would have been fucking boring, and he wouldn't be on this show at all. James Frey Died For Our Sins. But not often enough for me.

I came here and I have been honest with you, Oprah, James Frey says. He lied. And he's a Better Person because of it. He Learned From His Mistakes. Good for him. No one deserves Redemption more.

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Comments

I missed Oprah!! Damnit!! I never thought I would say that. I was assuming that her highness would just ignore the situation altogether and let the fickle nation forget. I'm actually proud of her for calling him out on national t.v., even though I don't know what exactly was said. There's my waiver when someone wants to call me out on my stupidity. I can almost hear his career committing suicide, an angelic sigh of relief for those of us who understand simple genre concepts.

I saw the thing on msn, and I was going to write you to see if you would do an entry, but you beat me to it! Good work. From teletubbies and scary kids programming to literary scandal, I'm getting all my essential vitamins.

Whether or not the dentist scene was made up or not, I think if only 5% of the 25% of people who read more than 50% of his memoir feel it's disputable, then the remaining odd % must agree that certain actual events written in a different way helps the people who need to hold on.

Also, way to insult people with literary power and then quickly rebound with the same sentence apology. Service with a smile. What DOES Nan Talese 'really' think? I'd like to know.

Hi

this reminds me: JT Leroy also wrote a story about going to the dentist and having drilling without drugs.

JT Leroy turned out to be a middle aged failed musician and not the punky twenty something ex-addict. But I think the difference is: JT Leroy was always selling fiction - not autobiography. Plus, JT Leroy's prose is highly entertaining and enjoyable. I re-read the dentist story after I found out about the JT Leroy outing, and I enjoyed it just as much - a little bit of romance was missing but not enough to change it too badly. JT Leroy stories have genuinely good narrative, even innovative I think.

I agree. The Leroy affair is a little exasperating, but at least he, or whoever pretends to be him, can write. That situation is so much more interesting than Frey's. It's also a clever commentary on the nature of "Indie" celebrity and how it's won. Plus, and this can't be emphasized enough, it's fiction.

So Leroy is complicated, but Frey is just a pathetic self-serving liar.

This is the best read about this scandal yet! Hysterical. Thank god my wife Tivos Oprah so I can check this out! This book wasn't even on my radar until I noticed suck job actor Jonathan Silverman reading it on a flight and my wife said it was the hottest thing in publishing (pre scandal) and then this hit. I hated it on principal alone (rehab...quitter!)and than 2 weeks later I was validated! When I watched him on Larry King it was the most pathetic public appearance since Bush's New Orleans speach in the French Quarter, what a simp, at least man up to the bar and tell the world to piss off I am a millionaire!

hahahahaha. ok, i can only script non-verbal communications.

That cocksucker didn't have his mommy there this time like he had when he was on Larry King to lie for him. What a douche! And did you see that staredown he was giving to Clark? He was like giving him the "Time to Throw Down" look.

Oh, he was totally going to back his car into Clark's ass while setting an all-time record for blood alcohol ratio. Or at least just drink half a Pabst Blue Ribbon and give him the old stare-down.

Brilliant recap, by the way.

I Fucked Lily on the day she died.

You made me spray an Entenmann's chocolate chip cookie through my nose.

I found this Frey excerpt, and it's very befitting of his current situation.

"...Were I in my normal frame of mind, I would stand up, point my finger, scream Fraud, and chase this Chump Motherfucker down and give him a beating. Were I in my normal frame of mind, after I gave him his beating, I would make him come back here and apologize to everyone for wasting their precious time. After the apology, I would tell him that if I ever heard of him spewing his bullshit fantasies in Public again, I would cut off his precious hair, scar his precious lips, and take all of his goddamn gold records and shove them straight up his ass."

Now, this is a section in 'dispute' concerning a rock star who showed up at Hazeldon, and bragged about how many drugs he did before he got sober.
Frey Outlines for the reader exactly what we should do to someone who Lies about the amount of Drugs they did. Or the amount of Truth they put in their Memoir.

When I was in Detox at Shoal Creek hospital in Austin, they put my body to sleep so I wouldn't have to be awake when the DT's ravaged my nervous system. I don't really recall those blurry days, nor do I want to, and I don't really see how anyone could realistically recall and paint an accurate portrayal of a rehabilitation facility, unless of course, they didn't really need rehabilitation in the first place.

Which is fine, just don't write a Fucking Memoir which stays on the NYT bestseller list if you have no Real memoiries. I read where Frey said he wasn't concerned with how much $$ he made. Oh no. He just wanted to be known as the Best Writer of His generation. It's sad when all he has done is insult the Best Writers of Our generation.

Neal - By pretending to care about this book, do you fear losing your authorial voice?

I seriously need to re-write my own memoir now, take out a few of the embellishments. It's called, "I Eat From My Ass, Digest Upwards and Shit Through My Face."

If Oprah was near tears when she found out Lilly cut her wrists instead of hanging herself, just imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out Lilly didn't even exist.

Ah, there's the smartass I remember.

Oprah should have known better, given her own experiences smoking crack, the subject of a tearful confession on her show more than a decade ago.

Someone once wrote that kissing is sucking on a thirty-foot tube, the last five feet of which are full of shit. With James Frey, I'd suck on either end. He's such a Hero.

Sorry, Neal, but may all bloody "memoirs" rest in peace.

Frey is such a Tool. He didn't look like he was sorry, just like he was bummed about looking like an Asshole. Which, in fact, he is.

I thought the book was bullshit the moment I read it. Millions did not, including Oprah. Shame on them.
Watching Oprah (without novacaine) was painful. People who should have known better than to believe the story tried to put it all off on Frey guy. To be sure, he is a prick and I'm glad we (the public) are done with him. But I get the feeling the "you go girl" masses aren't going to be anymore thoughtful now. It's enough for them to take down Frey. There should be an entire show dedicated to grilling Oprah on her telling her world audience that the truth doesn't matter. Although she did offer an explanation, it seemed a trivial aside.
So long James Frey. Your exit was as painful to watch as your book was to read.

I think Frey is the perfect spokesman for a generation who's greatest accomplishment was a profound sense of incompetent pointlessness that drove us toward self-depricating delusions.

Or maybe I'm just totally full of shit.

RE: "...Were I in my normal frame of mind, I would stand up, point my finger, scream Fraud, and chase this Chump Motherfucker down and give him a beating. Were I in my normal frame of mind, after I gave him his beating, I would make him come back here and apologize to everyone for wasting their precious time. After the apology, I would tell him that if I ever heard of him spewing his bullshit fantasies in Public again, I would cut off his precious hair, scar his precious lips, and take all of his goddamn gold records and shove them straight up his ass."

I'd love to see the Fictional James Frey kick the Real James Frey's ass.

Nan Talese is a smug, self-righteous boob. She was not about to let Oprah get the best of her, but for fuck's sake, how about a little introspection about the industry you "lead."

They are all despicable.

I saw some snippets of the Oprah beat-down on GMA this morning and enjoyed it some much more for having read this in advance. The "pink and bearded" observation rings true.

Even more satisfying, my brother and his wife are those born-again evangelicals who used to do drugs and fuck over everyone in their life and then crutched their way out of it thanks to Almight J.C. They fucking LOVE this book, mainly because it reflects their own lives and "redemptions." Which makes the fact that the book is utter shit really, really awesome for me.

*grin*

Mark my words, Augusten Burroughs is next. I couldn't even make it through one chapter of "Dry" before throwing it across the room yelling "LIAR!"

Love you and everything you wrote, so fucking hilarious. One thing that went unsaid though that I found interesting was that lipless lady's claim that autobiography and memoir are not the same. That needs to be explored.

You and I have both written memoirs. so we know the lawyers DO CHECK but the check to make sure no one is smirched, not to see if you made it up out of ass cheese. Book lawyers would HAPPILY tell you to change wrist slitting to hanging to make someone unrecognizable.

Also I liked when O called that lipless lady's husband Gay. I thought that was really mean until I realized she was possibly talking about Gay Talese.

Redemption Is for Pussies.

I'm with KC on the "for fuck's sake" comment about Nan Talese. I still say the publishers are getting off way too easily on this one. I'm guessing that, like Ford, publishers have probably laid off about 30,000 fact-checkers and proofreaders in the past few years, only they've done it much more quietly and without the resulting stock price bounce, which they evidently aren't smart enough to capitalize on.

Incidentally, Mr. Pollack, will you be submitting your "I Smoked Pot And Sent A Silly Email To My Ex-Girlfriend, And Then I Watched Futurama For A While" memoir proposal to Nan Talese? I'd love to pay $24.95 for it, but only if it gets the Oprah stamp of approval first.

Haven't seen the Oprah thing (except for a few seconds on Nightline last night) and now I don't have to. You rock. I haven't read Frey's book and from the few excerpts I've seen (one of them being the rock star one above), I wouldn't want to. It seems to be a work of complete and utter shit. I agree that the real lesson here is not that Frey is a big fat liar or that Oprah is gullible, but that:
1. You shouldn't decide what to read based on what a famous person or her mindless minions say is good
2. Junky/drunk memoirs are mostly made-up crap, boasting badly disguised as "honesty." Why you'd wanna read about someone's "embellished" self-destruction anyway, I don't know. I've had some personal experience with alcoholic relatives, and I don't recall any of it being particularly entertaining or enlightening. I'm sure there are well-written junky/drunk stories out there (though this clearly isn't one of them), but I gotta say, been there, done that, don't really want to read about it.

Haven't seen the Oprah thing (except for a few seconds on Nightline last night) and now I don't have to. You rock. I haven't read Frey's book and from the few excerpts I've seen (one of them being the rock star one above), I wouldn't want to. It seems to be a work of complete and utter shit. I agree that the real lesson here is not that Frey is a big fat liar or that Oprah is gullible, but that:
1. You shouldn't decide what to read based on what a famous person or her mindless minions say is good
2. Junky/drunk memoirs are mostly made-up crap, boasting badly disguised as "honesty." Why you'd wanna read about someone's "embellished" self-destruction anyway, I don't know. I've had some personal experience with alcoholic relatives, and I don't recall any of it being particularly entertaining or enlightening. I'm sure there are well-written junky/drunk stories out there (though this clearly isn't one of them), but I gotta say, been there, done that, don't really want to read about it.

I said it when this book came out, after reading a fluff piece somewhere on the internet about this literary tough guy (did Hemingway have a lisp, too?): this is the kind of whining, self-pitying, 12-stepping tripemeister who gives drugs a bad name. Better to be high than cry like a bitch about how you can't control yourself. And better to be high than lie. Drugs and alcohol are tools, but you got to keep them away from tools.

People like Frey and Burroughs don't really help those of us who are actually trying to write factual memoir. From here on out, I will blame them for the fact that I'm not yet a wildly successful published author, rather than my own lack of motivation.

Me too. It's all their fault I'm too lazy to write my own masterpiece of lies.

Like most, I never met Hemingway since he blew his head off before I was born, but if I had spoken to him concerning the current Frey nonsense, I can speculate what his reaction would be. Slam down a couple double shots of a ridiculously expensive scotch, and then proceed to back hand the lisp right out of Frey's forked snake tongue.

Sorry about the double post. Such a rookie mistake. My self-loathing inspires me to sell myself for some smack, write about it for 500 or so excruciating pages, convince Ms. Talese to publish it, then maybe Oprah will make me a millionaire too.

One thing that shouldn't be overlooked here:the exquisite scam perpetrated by the publishing house on this account. Frey originally had sought to market the book as a novel, which followed the thread of his addiction, just dressed up with aggrandizing fantasies (taking on the cops, wanted in 54 states, rainbow vomit, a Good-Hearted Sucker For Love down at the core). So they must have just asked him at some point "hey, is this shit true?". And boy, did someone have a good read on his craven ass - I'm guessing the response "yes, it is" was on it's way in about a picosecond, and we had ourselves a 'memoir'. They knew his weakness (and no, girls, it ain't really love), and shunted accountability off on him, and man did it work like a charm. He's getting spanked like Dan Quayle or something. Nothing America likes to see more than some righteous motherfucker get slapped down.

What is truly cool is that this "news item" beats out the Hamas victory. Frey and Oprah deserve one another. Welcome to the machine.

I fucked james frey while he had that hole in his face, my pimp pissed in it. He said it stung.
Then he cried.

I cried too cuz my pimps peee be nasty shit.
But I cried a lot and then I hugged james and fucked him some more.

I said I would fuck him for drugs but he said he didn't do drugs but he had some gasoline so we threw the gasoline on him and lit his ass up, we loved watching the phat rich frat boy burn.

Leonard brought hot dogs and we had a weenie roast on James Frey's frying ass.

Good Times!

Then james told us all that he couldn't die because he had to go save his hooker crackehad girlfriend from killing herself on a waterfaucet.
We all thought that was pretty funny cuz we knew that no self-respecting crack ho would let his gnarly wimp ass hug her let alone fuck her.

But his burning flesh started stinking so we all pissed on him until the fire went out, he was crying.
Cry.
Cry.
Crying.
Crying a lot and begging us to hug him.
Instead we told him to hug Cleo, the mama of the pit bull he killed.
Cleo started eating his face and I do mean eating his face, that is not a sexual innuendo.
We all started laughing.

We knew we should have been crying but the acid was just kicking in and we couldn't stop laughing, but then my pimp slipped in the blood from Jame's face and he told me"get that bitch dog off the litttle crybabies face"

And so I did.
I cried and laughed while I did it, but I did it.
Cuz I am an addict and a criminal and I wanted better drugs than gasoline, SHIT huffers don't even do gasoline.
Do all the SAE brothers really sell gasoline to each other before they fuck each others asses?

I hear SAE's love to such each others cocks.
James told me all about it, he told me that he really misses sucking his frat brothers cocks and sometimes he calls out their names in his sleep.

This is really making his wife cry.
She cries all the time.
He told her she would have to return all of her new Prada shit, now that his book deal is falling through the CRACKS.

Now she really cries.

I have to go take a shit, I will finish this after I have a good cry.

Cry.

Frey's book deal falling through the cracks...not that I would like anyone in 'recovery' to fall off the wagon, but if Frey goes back out and returns to a 100 grand rehab, and proceeds to write more lies, it would enable me to continue to have someone, who makes more money than me, to make fun of.

Here's looking at you kid.

Thank you for this post. I'm on deployment in Kuwait hiding under a pile of bodies hoping that Charlie doesn't find me. I've been holding my breath for three days. Thank the lord we get internet down here.

Charlie may find you Forrest, so RUN RUN

Maureen Dowd really turns me on, too.

Anyone who read that book deserved to have been tricked. "Boo hoo hoo, I read a memoir that turned out to be fiction!" You people are all jerks.

Uh, Rob? I don't think any of us have read Frey's book. Maybe a half a page in a bookstore, before we put it down in disgust. But do not mistake this forum for one in which the posters are former James Frey fans who feel betrayed by the fact that his memoir turned out not to be 100% true. The people here, as far as I can tell from the comments, knew the book was a fraud when they first heard about it, and they are thrilled to have been proven right.

Read before posting, pal.

James Frey was a fraud....Oh My God!!! AAAugghh! Nooooooooooooo!!! Say it isn't so!! Must find the urge to keep living!! So hard now that I know what I know! Why Frey??? Whyyyy?? I thought you loved me!
Wait, what are we talking about again?

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