An Hour Of Dangerous Television
Oprah is wearing Blue Velvet. Oprah is Pissed. James Frey, Oprah's gaze indicates, is a Cocksucker. Even worse, he's a Dickless Cocksucker without Balls. Also, he has a Beard and he is Ugly. Well, not Ugly, exactly, but unappealing and rodenty. The Face Of Evil is Pink and Bearded.
Commercial Break. Oh, man, is this gonna be entertaining. At last, three years of focused, bitter hatred will be justified. At last, I will vindicate my Cock Tattoo, which caused my Cock to bleed when I received it from a bisexual drug addict with AIDS. So now, James Frey, I want you to Suck My Cock Tattoo That Reads, "Suck My Cock, James Frey."
Back to the show. Oprah feels Duped. James Frey wears Khakis. Oprah doesn't know what it True and what isn't. James Frey, you are an asshole. The Smoking Gun was right! Goddamn it, Frey. What is your fucking problem?
Frey "Made A Mistake." Frey Is A Mistake. I am eating your lies on Oprah and Shitting them out and eating the shit for lunch, Frey! My wife used to be a Prostitute, and then she killed herself because she found out you were a Liar. Yesterday, I removed my Teeth with a Pliers and then removed someone else's teeth with the same Pliers and replaced my teeth with them. Because you are a Liar, James Frey.
James Frey, I am hitting you over your head with a Chair in my Mind. I Fucked Lily on the day she died. I Fucked her after she was Dead. I Hung myself while she cut her wrists, but I didn't Die. No, I'm kidding. I was making that up. But it was still true. Or at least it was a Memoir. My Friend Leonard is dead as well. Also, I Fucked Him. And I Fucked your Friend Leonard, too.
The book is about Drug Addiction and Alcoholism, and that makes it true, Frey says. In order to celebrate that retarded statement, let me take a hit off this Pipe, which contains White Widow. And that's true. I'm struggling with my Drug Addiction right now. My Face is on Fire. Actually, I just want to eat a Candy Bar.
Frey is lying about the Dentist scene. Even if he's not, he's still a Pussy. I once performed heart surgery on myself without painkillers, James Frey. And I wasn't even sick. Good lord. Are all writers this Wimpy? James Frey, you put our noble profession to shame. Oprah has called James Frey a Liar A Million Little Times on this show. James Frey's career is Over. I still think he should be thrown in jail for longer than Sixteen Hours so someone can perform a Root Canal on his Ass.
Why does Joel Stein get to appear on Oprah as a pundit? Why do James Frey and Joel Stein get to speak for my Generation? At least Joel Stein isn't a Dickless Liar, and he looks better without the glasses.
Nan Talese has had a Root Canal without Novocaine. But she didn't write a damn Memoir. Goddamn it. Oprah is smarter than everyone in the Book Business put together. Except for the people in the book business who I know or who I might meet someday. Nan Talese thinks the book had "Authenticity"? Sure, Nan, and Gay wasn't fucking around on you while he was writing Thy Neighbor's Wife." I'm kidding, Nan. Please invite me to a Dinner Party sometime. Please don't turn the National Book Awards committee against me.
Nan Talese edited Rosalynn Carter's book. And she says that Rosalynn Carter is a Liar, too. I thought it was strange that Rosalynn claimed that she liked to go go plane crash sites so she could fuck Dead, Charred Bodies. But it's a Memoir. And it's her Truth.
You'd better drink that water, Frey. Or is it Vodka mixed with Blood?
Oprah is Embarrassed. Don't Fuck With Oprah. A Novel Is Something Different Than A Memoir. I Have A Headache. If I were to write a Memoir of my Drug Addiction, it would be called, I Smoked Pot And Sent A Silly Email To My Ex-Girlfriend, And Then I Watched Futurama For A While.
Maureen Dowd really Turns Me On sometimes. James Frey has a Bony Little Butt, indeed. Joel Stein is apologetic for the book, a little, because I think Joel Stein would do it if he had the chance. I know a little something about Literary Ambition, and I can see it in Stein's eyes. Did he snort coke off his coworkers' tits at Entertainment Weekly? Oh, I'm not being fair to Joel Stein. If you read this, Joel, I live in L.A. Buy me Lunch.
Richard Cohen is addicted to Bagels. God, he is such a Jew. Oprah is our country's Principal's Office. I want to see Oprah Spank him. I want Maureen Down to Spank me. But she can probably do better. Check that. I once had a Three-way with Maureen Dowd and Richard Cohen, but Cohen split long before I Came.
By the way, everything in my forthcoming memoir is True. Really. Frank Rich is talking about Truthiness, but I really don't dabble in that. Some things really are true. The only thing that's not true is that I'm not a Holocaust Survivor. But that will come out in the editing.
Oprah is not interested in bashing on Jessica Simpson and the Bush Administration. She's too busy for Cultural Journalism. It is very obvious that Frank Rich eats Rich Franks sometimes. But hey. The guy's earned it.
I bet that this is the only time that Roy Peter Clark will appear on Oprah. Especially because of that lame Halle Berry joke. Did James Frey really write "Remember The Truth. It's All That Matters?" God, he's such a Cocksucker. If he'd written about "certain events in a different way," as he says, then the book would have been fucking boring, and he wouldn't be on this show at all. James Frey Died For Our Sins. But not often enough for me.
I came here and I have been honest with you, Oprah, James Frey says. He lied. And he's a Better Person because of it. He Learned From His Mistakes. Good for him. No one deserves Redemption more.