Urine Trouble Now
Elijah got a Slinky for Chanukah tonight. When we bought the Slinky about a month ago, we failed to remember that we only had a few stairs in the house, and that they are carpeted. The Slinky has nowhere to slink. So instead, he's catching it on the edge of an unpacked box, and shaking it until it makes an unbearable clanging racket, and then springing it back, cackling as it hurtles down the hall. But his joy is so great that I can't even think about stopping him. The end will occur when it springs back and hits him in the eye.
That delightful prologue discarded, I must admit that I misreported something yesterday. My wife's strange visit from the Earache Lady freaked me out so much that I went online, did some research, and found the phone number of our neighborhood's patrol officer. He called me back around 1 PM today. I described the situation to him.
"It's a scam," he said. "They probably saw your moving truck and decided to hit you."
I should have known. Regina is as susceptible to scams as an 85-year-old lady living alone. Many times, I've come to the front door to find her talking to a scruffy-looking guy holding an empty gas can. More recently, I've been spending most of my free time fending off low-rent "medical savings plan" companies because she posted my number on a website that offered "free health insurance quotes." On the phone, the officer told me never to let anyone in the house who claimed they were from the Water And Power Company. I relayed that message to Regina as soon as we hung up.
"Don't ever answer the door if I'm not home," I said to her. "Never again. I don't care if it's your mother. Do not let her in."
The officer went on to tell us that the major crime in our area is vehicle break-in, and he advised me not to leave my wallet in the car. Then he started giving me instructions on where to go grocery shopping, an activity of daily living that I'd somehow been able to figure out on my own. So my panic yesterday was, to say the least, overblown. The three of you who are paying attention have heard my last yuppie-in-the-quasi-barrio complaint. That said, I can't be the only one who's trying to raise a family in an interesting but affordable neighborhood that's still safe. Can I?
Now on to more important matters. Today I woke up, pulled back the sheets, and splattered my right hand in a puddle of cat vomit. Then the dog hopped on the bed and slurped up the puddle. The previous day, I came out of my office to find Regina holding a garbage bag full of old duffels that had been laying in the hall while we were unpacking. Apparently, the cat had peed on them and I had to throw them away. Meanwhile, Elijah uncorked a waterfall of piss all over his new "treasure chest" toy cabinet, and the dog pulled a big cat turd out of the litter box onto the sofa.
My life is nothing but excretory function management. Regina spends most of her time sniffing clothes and furniture for signs of bespoilment. As always, filth and anxiety rule the day. Plus, Elijah's interest in potty training is on the wane. A brief period of M&M bribery got him to piss in his throne a couple of times. But since then, it's been nothing but Mr. Poopy Pants. Now he refuses to sit on the potty at all, because, you know, it's so fun to wallow all day in a diaper full of creamy shit that stinks like week-old cheese.
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wow, i know i showed up late. but god love you, mister.
on new year's eve my boyfriend and i came home and were preparing to stop the world and melt with one another. we climbed into my bed and commenced rolling about, happily tipsy. then something cold and lumpy was on my leg. then i touched it and it was a turd left by one buddy the poodle, my constant companion and the only living thing that has ever really depended on me. i had to get up and turn on the lights for a full turd inspection - and sure enough, we had been frolicking amongst the waste. it was truly a night to remember.
Posted by: jenny | January 24, 2008 10:42 PM