Elijah Doodle Went To Town
Since we arrived in Los Angeles one week ago, my wife has taken it upon herself to unpack the new house, as she has a seventh sense for knowing where she wants everything to go. It's not worth it for me to even try to help. When the empty boxes pile up, I haul them out to the storage space. Occasionally I put something on a top shelf if she asks, or try to remember where I packed my sweater-storage container. Other than these concerns, which make me long for the heroin needle, my job has been to keep the boy amused. Fortunately, L.A. is nothing if not amusing.
My initial L.A. outing with Elijah occurred last Saturday. While my wife and mother attacked our dining room, I roared the boy down the 2, I-5, and the 134, into the warm embrace of Griffith Park. If you're not familiar with this place, imagine Central Park, but containing three separate train rides, miles upon miles of chapparral-strewn hill hikes, and holiday light shows that celebrate, among other things, the work of William Mullholland, the father of the Los Angeles aqueduct.
Our first stop was the train depot at the south end of the park.
Elijah enjoyed the train ride quite a bit, but he's familiar with the usual tricks of the genre: The fake western town, the two-bit tunnels, the little ceramic gnomes passing as amusement-park ride entertainment. But I'd only been an Angeleno for fewer than 48 hours. Because of that, I had no idea that the train depot lay next to an even greater delight.
"PONIES!" my son cried.
The Griffith Park ponies have been in operation for a long time, evidenced by a 30-year-old photograph given to me by a native friend that shows him on the same ride. I don't think the prices have gone up much since 1975, either. It's two bucks a ride, which consists of twice around a quarter-mile track, belted atop a well-groomed, well-fed beast, while a middle-aged Hispanic man in a royal blue polo-style shirt walks beside you.
Since this was Elijah's first time, I bought him a "Slow Ride," which resembled the Foghat song in name only. As he came around the second curve, all the initial glee had drained from his face. It read, "is that all there is?" This kid, after all, allows me to spin him around in a circle until either he or I retch from dizziness. He's not a slow ride kind of guy.
So I went back to the ticket window, where I spoke to a woman who looked like the model for Snow White's Wicked Queen, post-potion. "Would you like to try an apple, dearie?" she said to me. Actually, she didn't say anything. She just sold me a ticket for a "Medium" ride, which also cost $2.
The medium ride went about the same as the slow one, except that for about half of each lap, the pony went along at a pretty steady gallop, while the guide ran beside. After the first half-lap, I positioned myself to see Elijah's expression. This time, it was a mixture of pure joy and "you'd better figure out a way to pay for my horseback-riding lessons down the road."
After that finished, I deflected Elijah's begging for concession-stand popcorn. We got back in the car and drove to the other end of the park, where a second train ride awaited us. "Are there going to be pony rides there, too?" Elijah said. The answer was no, and I realized that Elijah would from here on not be totally satisified with a train ride unless I followed it up with a two-buck pony ride.
One of Griffith Park's other two trains only operates on Sunday, which was just as well, because it's called "The Los Angeles Steamers," which sounds like either a grotesque sexual habit that exists only in specialty porn and low-rent stand-up routines, or a failed XFL francise. The second train served as the centerpiece of the Travel Town museum, a popular local birthday-party spot. After all, wouldn't want to celebrate their birthday by whacking a pinata in front of a rusted 80-year-old Union Pacific caboose?
The train ride itself was nothing special, but Elijah found himself enthralled by an adjacent building's model train exhibit, nearly 2,000 feet of miniature track surrounded by insanely detailed hills, tunnels, depots, and old-fashioned diners. This is operated by a club of men who, if they weren't desigining miniature train exhibits, would most likely be engaged in defeating all comers at public outdoor chess tables.
Elijah latched on to a boy, maybe a couple of years older than him, and immediately proclaimed to me, "I have a friend, daddy!"
"What's your friend's name?" I asked.
"Steven," said the boy, and then he walked away, never to be seen by my son again.
Not to be deterred, Elijah headed over to a play area, which was comprised of some blue exercise mats in the middle of a square of low-lying risers. Another boy was jumping off the risers into the mats, watched by his parents.
"Joey," said the dad. "When you jump, you should say what Buzz Lightyear says. What does he say?"
"TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!" said the boy, reciting it by rote, like it was the Lord's Prayer, or the Sh'ma.
I have nothing against children uttering catchphrases from Disney cartoons. It's inevitable. But I truly despise it when parents encourage their children in that direction. Is it really so impossible for parents to relate to childhood? Can't a kid enjoy jumping onto a mat without having to pretend that he's a character from Toy Story? When parents point out fish to their kids, do they really have to say, as I've heard a thousand times, "Look, it's a fish...like Nemo!" No, I want to say. Nemo is an overmarketed cartoon character. That's just a fish. Why not educate yourself a little so you can give your kid some real information instead of regurgitated crap?
"TO INFINITYBEYOND!" Elijah shouted, as he jumped.
Goddamn it!
"No, Elijah," I said. "You should say, 'To Infinity And Beyonce."
I looked around to see if any of the other parents present had caught my funny funny joke. But they all stared ahead blankly, trying desperately to remember when they, too, were young. Then I took Elijah home and he watched Monsters, Inc., in its entirety, for the 10th consecutive day. But when I chased him around the house later, in my daily role of monster, I didn't mention the movie once.