Potty Party
Since I posted about my kid-scat troubles a couple of days ago, the poo-related advice has flowed in a steady stream. A couple readers have recommended books. It's going to be hard to replace Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi: "A one-hump camel makes a one-hump poop. A two-hump camel makes a two-hump poop." No "Elmo's First Poopy" book can possibly top that in Elijah's heart.
We've decided that, after the holiday, we're going to start making Elijah sit on the potty for a few minutes after waking up every morning. We'll give him a book or a magazine or something. And then we'll start taking him into the bathroom every couple of hours. We all consider our bowel momements one of the most satisfying moments of every day, or, if you have IBS, every week or two. I want Elijah to discover the joys for himself. Maybe I'll give him The Onion's Our Dumb Century to read on the can so he can be just like dad.
But the best suggestion I got, by far, was for the "Potty Party." Someone with a Ph.D. in child psychology came up with this brilliant strategy. I will print it for you here, annotated. As Dave Barry used to say, I am not making this up.
Potty Party
What You Need
• A doll that wets
• A potty chair
• Big boy/girl underwear (instead of diapers)
• Lots of liquids for your child and the doll to drink
Consider Before You Begin
• Development:
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests waiting until 2 years of age to potty train.
• Modeling:
You can demonstrate or have the doll demonstrate the process of "going potty."
• Motivation:
Find out who your child's superhero is. The hero will provide the motivation in this process.
Yeah. I'm sure that's exactly why Stan Lee created Spider-Man. Is there anything stupider than the current trend of creating "baby" versions of superheroes to put on diapers? I'm sorry. The Hulk is not a baby.
Step 1: Teach a Doll That Wets
Your child will learn by teaching the doll how to go potty. Have your child name the doll and give it something to drink. Then walk the doll to the potty chair with your child. Pull the doll's "big kid" underwear down and watch the doll go potty together.
This sounds, to me, a lot like Neil Strauss' advice for picking up chicks in "The Game."
Step 2: Throw the Doll a Potty Party!
When the doll successfully goes potty, throw a potty party! Make it a big blowout with party hats, horns and celebrate. Give lots of attention to the doll so that your child understands that going potty is a good thing.
Be sure to tell him not to wear his potty-party hat in public restrooms.
Let your child know that when he goes potty, he will have a potty party too. Not only that, your child gets to call his favorite superhero to report the good news!
Or how about getting rid of the middleman and just throwing a potty party for Spiderman? We can tell the kid that Spidey's pee is actually made of spiderwebs!
Step 3: Get Rid of the Diapers
At the beginning of the process you placed underwear on your child's doll. Now it's time to take away the diapers and put underwear on your child.
Step 3.5: Buy detergent with extra bleach.
Step 4: Drink Lots of Fluids
Give your child plenty of fluids to drink. The sooner he has to go potty, the sooner you can begin potty training.
Can we give him nonalcoholic beer? What about low-alcohol beer? Would that make him pee faster, or would it increase his risk of contracting whiskey dick down the road?
Step 5: Ten Trips to Potty When Accident
Ask your child if he needs to go potty. Your child might say no and that's OK. Because you've given your child plenty of fluids, he will soon need to go.
If this step doesn't work, attach a catheter. And an IV drip.
If your child has an accident in his underwear, don't scold him. You want this to be a positive experience. Instead, take your child to the potty, pull his underwear down, and have your child sit down. Do this 10 times. This builds muscle memory and your child will eventually go.
Meanwhile, allow the dog to tear the potty-party doll to shreds. This builds a different kind of muscle memory. Note: whatever you do, don't pull your own underwear down ten times as well, because you might get a visit from Child Services. Actually, if you throw a potty party and tell people about it, they might visit you anyway.
Step 6: Let the Celebration Begin!
When your child successfully goes potty, throw him a potty party. Most importantly, your child can now call his favorite superhero and tell the hero about what he just did! Enlist the help of a friend or relative to play the hero and take the phone call.
Ah, yes. Daddy just happens to have Spiderman's cell-phone number on him. Tell him he can swing by anytime to take a look at your poop.