Oh, what a lovely post-war!
Despite stunning recent events, which I urge you all, in your blogs, to refer to as The Turkish Reaming, it's still obvious to me that we're going to war with Iraq. We're not only going to win, but it's going to be a blowout. In fact, as my dear friend and mah jongg partner George Will likes to say--albeit using more references to Hannibal than I generally prefer--the war has already begun. U.S. warplanes are strafing the no-fly zone. Special Ops soldiers, as I write this, are slitting suspicious throats under cover of darkness, not to mention destroying villages in order to save them. And, in a program to encourage independent publishing among the Iraqi survivors, we've dropped more than a million 'zines in the northern half of the country. The Baath, I hear, are especially fond of Rollerderby, the Kurds are familiar with hipster literature about serial killers, and everyone loves Maximum Rock N Roll.
That said, it might take a couple of weeks for us to wrap up the war. Then it will be time for post-war reconstruction of Iraq's civil society. In this week's New York Times Magazine cover story, George Packer, a very bad writer and possibly an unapologetic Communist, implies that George Bush is simply not up for the job. Packer writes: "His articulation of political aims and postwar plans has been sketchy to the point of empty cliche."
Well, I never! George W. Bush was sent to us by God, and he is definitely one of the 43 best Presidents of all time. Packer has written a scabrous smear job cleverly disguised as the most thoughtful and comprehensive article to date on the difficulties of cratfing a stable post-war Iraq. Well, Mr. Packer, you're a big poopy pants! The United States has a very large stomach indeed. We definitely have enough king's horses and king's men to put Iraq together again.
As ordained by Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Paul Wolfowitz years ago, it's our destiny to spread our trademarked brand of democracy over the earth. As an unofficial member of the Project For the New American Century's media mole board, I have access to top-secret reforms that lie in store for Iraq. It will be such a wonderful country when we're done. They include:
--A program of secret lawyerless detentions for people specially classified as enemies of the state.
--Legal spying on public-library and bookstore patrons.
--Random searches of cars entering and exiting airports.
--Replacing state-owned media with media owned by three or four megacorporations.
--Draconian penalties for people convicted of minor offenses such as selling drug paraphernalia.
--Government funding for mosque construction, disguised as a social-service program.
--Free reign for factories to belch pollutants into the air and water, through laws labelled as environmental reform.
--Deliberate and systematic concealment of all government documents from the public and the media.
And that's only the beginning! Who knows what other democratic delights are in store for Iraq over the next few years? All I know is that once a government that treats its prisoners cruelly and unfairly is replaced by United States military occupation, everyone will rejoice.
To close today, I want to express my sympathies to New York Yankee pitcher David Wells, who's facing scorn because he wrote a book claiming that he was "half-drunk" when he pitched his legendary perfect game. Well, I say, so what? I was 100 percent drunk when I wrote my bestselling book, The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature, and not a word of Beneath the Axis Of Evil was written without the aid of that magical weed, marijuana. My forthcoming novel, Never Mind the Pollacks, is the product of seventh months of constant amphetamine usage. Great art, whether it be literary, musical, athletic, or otherwise, is often perpetrated by wastoids. The New York Yankees need to lighten up and focus on more important matters, such as whether or not Derek Jeter had fun at his last birthday party.
Lord, why doesn't the war start already? I really can't wait any longer. Bring it ON!
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