Help me choose my wife, part 2
My dear friend Christopher Hitchens brewed up some strong fact-based opinions about the sinister Turks yesterday in his groundbreaking Slate column, "Fighting Words." Let me add another to Hitch's litany of Turkish sins. Unreported by the Western media and unbeknownst to the Eastern media, the Turks more or less seized control of Latvia from 1952 to 1957, sucking the country dry of nearly 12 percent of its natural resources and completely exterminating at least five ethnic Wasabi in the north. Only a moral monster can examine the evidence and think that the Turks are our allies in this just fight that cannot fail.
I also think it's important to make the point that though Saddam Hussein is destroying weapons, he's not destroying weapons. The destruction of weapons is not destruction of weapons of mass destruction. Weapons are not even weapons if you don't use them, therefore Hussein is complicit in not complying. To reiterate: Bombs are not bombs if you destroy them. Therefore you are not destroying bombs.
That's why I grow weary of talk of the "heroism" of antiwar protesters. Is there any way we can develop a missile that will only kill dissenters? The bravery of our men and women in uniform should not be diluted in the media by simpering actors like Mike Farrell, who played P.J. Honeydew, the least funny guy on M.A.S.H. Particularly irritating is Moveon.org, a puppet shadow organization of the depraved Clintonian left, headed by Noam Chomsky's graduate assistants at MIT. They seem determined to tie up our nation's phone system with abstract calls for "peace." The time has come for all serious men and women to realize that the war is started, we're already kicking ass on multiple fronts, and the sad little phone trees have failed. The only virtual march is yours, MoveOn, into obscurity. If you try to protest the day before the war starts, or the day after, you will be pummelled into shock and awe like other traitors of the realm. Remember: We are at war with Iraq. We have always been at war with Iraq.
Now let's meet the next five contestants in my marriage derby.
Hi, my name is Manuela. I'm 35, and I'm from Chichicastenango, Guatemala. Ever since my first husband, an activist for the rights of indigenous people, was killed by CIA-trained death squads, I've been looking for the perfect man to help me take care of my son, who is now a glue-sniffing street teenager living in a fetid Guatemala City slum. If you choose me, I promise to be meek and subservient until one day I find the courage to bear witness before a reconvened truth commission.
I'm Christine, and I live in Denton, Texas. I'm 25 years old and a bartender at a club that's so punk rock it doesn't have a name. I don't give a shit about Neal Pollack or anyone else, for that matter. I just like drinking Maker's Mark, listening to my Descendents records, and fucking all night long. If Neal tries to control me at all, I'll shit on his face and name the turd Charlie.
My name is Rachel Weisz. I'm an extremely beautiful and intelligent British actress, 32 years old, and I'm so in love with Neal Pollack. Really, I have been my whole life. If you choose me, can a three-way with Kate Winslet be far behind?
Greetings, America! My name is Stephanie, and I'm a 48-year-old witch from Ypsilanti, Michigan. My coven has chosen me as the representative to hypnotize Neal Pollack and bring him to our secluded forest glen, where we will cut out his liver in a secret ceremony and feed it to our wolf totem. He has a 50-50 chance of surviving the night, slightly more if we can find fresh echinachea at the Whole Foods in Ann Arbor. If he lives, we crown him King of The Upper Peninsula and he will rule over us for all eternity. If he dies, then we toss him in a ditch and run like hell.
Hi. My name's Rochelle. I'm 28 years old and I'm from Philadelphia. There's no way that Neal's going to pick me because I'm black, and black people never win these kinds of contests. You know, because we're not interested in getting married or anything.
There you have it. The ten contestants. In two weeks, we'll present a final three. And then it's time for you to vote!
We are at war with Iraq. We have always been at war with Iraq.







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