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March 4, 2003

Help me choose my wife

I think we can uniformly agree that the arrest of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed represents a major victory in the War On Terror, a just war without any discernible endpoint. I have two brief points to make regarding this evident triumph. The hundreds of millions of lunatics worldwide who are protesting our upcoming invasion of Iraq need to take a long, hard look at themselves. How can the United States be as evil as this man just arrested in Pakistan? It cannot. He killed 3,000, so we get to kill at least 3,000 in return, more if you count the interest. It's only fair.

Second, I received an email yesterday from Jeff Makos, a loyal reader of this site, regarding the now-famous arrest photo of Mohammed. The email was titled: "We've captured Ron Jeremy!" This joke is excellent and requires no further comment.

But enough funny business for one day. I have to attend to the very serious business of choosing a wife. As I've discussed in the past two weeks, I'm attempting to take advantage of federal funds that "promote" marriage. I owe a lot of back taxes. But because I live in a castle on top of a mountain and only come down for speaking engagements, I don't get to meet a lot of women. So I held a contest.

Over the last few days, my beleaguered manservant Roger and I have viewed hundreds of videotapes. We've narrowed the field down to ten finalists. A panel comprised of Roger, departing CNN head Walter Issacsson, and Naomi Judd, will winnow that field down to three while I sit in a soundproof isolation booth. Then, next week, we'll announce the three winners in this space and you, my readers, will get to choose the woman with whom I'll spend at least part of the rest of my life. Now, without further ado, the candidates. We'll present the first five today, and the second five tomorrow. I leave you to the ladies...

CANDIDATE #1

Hi, everyone. My name is Amanda. I'm 27 years old, I'm from Boca Raton, Florida, and I'm a dancer for the Orlando Magic. In the offseason, I work as a stripper on a cruise ship. I need the extra money to pay for schooling for my three children, all of whom are severely developmentally disabled. I've learned a lot about myself both as a person and a woman these past 27 years, but I haven't found that one special guy to share my life with. I love beaches, and dogs, and, of course, fucking, but only on a cold floor, in total darkness. I don't eat meat except chicken sometimes. If I'm selected to marry Neal Pollack, I promise to be a good housewife but also to sometimes unleash my "wild" side. Pick me!

CANDIDATE #2

My name is Lisette. I am 31 years old and I live in Basel, Switzerland. Every day at the stroke of noon, I leap from my third-story window. As yet, I have not died, which leads me to believe that I must seek a husband. I hold an undergraduate degree in semiotic anthropology from the University of Grotz, and a doctorate in medieval biology from The University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Since 1997, my vagina has been dry as a bone, and no medical science seems to awaken my desires. Only photographs of Neal Pollack even make me vaguely tingle. I long for an American to break me of the ways of the Old Europe. Choose me as Neal's mate, and end my cycle of attempted suicide.

CANDIDATE #3

Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm 28 years old and an attorney who lives in Brooklyn, New York. I'm tired of all the guys I meet in bars and on Craigs List. Neal wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me, because I'm very independent, and even don't mind cooking for myself. That I'm gorgeous, a Harvard graduate and a former Olympic swimmer shouldn't influence your decision as much as the fact that everyone says I'm the most giving, loving, generous person they've ever met. I guess I want to marry Neal Pollack because I enjoy his books and think he'd be a cool person to hang out with. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have been searching my whole life for a man who doesn't smell like daddy.

CANDIDATE #4

Well, hello, people, yes hello, people. This Carol Channing. I'm 82 years old. You may know me best from my Tony-winning performance as Dolly Levi in the original Broadway production of Hello, Dolly! or as the lovable Millie in the movie Thoroughly Modern Millie. I want a husband who can see the real me, not the wrinkled hag-like gay camp icon I've gradually become. If I marry Neal Pollack, I promise to leave him all my corsets and false teeth after I die, and he can sell them on Ebay. Remember to take all your belongings with you, and please ask your driver for a receipt!

CANDIDATE #5

My name is Georgette Orwell, though my original name is Erica Blair. I'm 33 years old, and I live in Finsbury Park, London. The ideological battle against Islamofascism knows no stronger fighter than I. In the past two years, I've written three books and dozens of newspaper and magazine articles urging people to wake up and prosecute the War On Terror with the moral seriousness appropriate to a conflict that will determine the final outcome of human history. How I long to gaze into Neal Pollack's eyes as we stand together on the front lines of this epic battle of ideas! The fact that I'm a legless mute should not affect your decision to choose me as his companion, now and forever.

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number 4!

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