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March 14, 2003

Happy Birthday, Judd Hirsch!

Well, fans, time is running short for me here. It has been strange, like sleeping with a friend’s wife when he is just one town over and knows fully well what’s going on, to the point that he will call you and tell you where she likes to be touched. Overall, though, it’s been an incredibly fulfilling experience, like sleeping with a friend’s wife when he is thousands of miles away and has no idea what’s going on. The response, inasmuch as there was any, was overwhelmingly positive, except when it was overwhelmingly negative. But even the negative I choose to take as a personal positive, for I may never receive another death threat as long as I live, and even if I do I will always cherish those first few. We’ve had our fun, haven’t we?

Still, I regret not being able to find the time to talk about Congressional target="_blank">freedom fries and freedom toast, and my subsequent proposal to start calling German chocolate cake, “Joschka Fischer can suck it cake.” And oh how you would have marveled at every word of my account of my daring rescue of Elizabeth Smart from the dastardly clutches of a coven of unwashed religious paranoiacs. And you surely would have nodded your collective head in agreement at each of my “20 Suggestions for Ameliorating the Rancor Between James Gandolfini and HBO.” Not to mention laughed your collective underpants brown at the comedy gold that surely lies in them thar comedy hills. But, no, there’s no time for that now.

But you are not the only ones who lose out by my departure; Saturday is my birthday, and I would have really relished the opportunity to let you know that also celebrating birthdays on the Ides of March are Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Terence Trent D’Arby, Judd Hirsch, Fabio, and the Iron Sheik, or that on March 15th, 1954, precisely twenty years before I was born, the Chords recorded “Sh-boom” and changed popular music forever, or that, on the same date in 1939, the Nazis took Czechoslovakia. How I wish I could have shared some of that with you! Any of that! If only we had the time!

And I never got the chance to defend why I choose to live in L.A., or to mention the article I once read that claimed southern Californians spend more on clothes and less on books than people anywhere else in the country, or the person quoted in the same article who claimed that the reason people here don't read books is because the weather's too nice to waste time like that. And speaking of wasting time, it looks like I’ve done just that. Oh well. It was nice knowing you.

p.s. Come back tomorrow for a special BONUS ENTRY. It was written on Tuesday, but I believe it will still be as fresh tomorrow as it was three days ago.

p.p.s. Oh, and this is Rob Diener. R-o-b D-i-e-n-e-r. Not Neal Pollack. N-e-a… you get the point. But don’t despair—Neal will be back in time for you to start your workweek the right way (i.e., without me).

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