Coming soon to the Great White Way!
Sweet bleeding Jesus, I hate political humor. It is almost always more political than it is humorous, and politics are almost always tiresome, especially when they’re other people’s. But Neal fucking Pollack has been good enough to give me this forum, so who am I to, say, post a 500 word essay on what I would like to see on Broadway instead of following Neal’s direct command to address this so-called “war” we’re supposedly about to unleash on so-called “Iraq”? I’m Rob Diener, that’s who! And nobody tells Rob Diener what to do. So, without further ado, my wacky take on our war with Iraq…
Iraq, as I understand it, is a particular make of the Chevy Camaro. I’m not sure what the difference is between it and other Camaros, but it must be significant, or else why would we want to attack it? Ha ha ha, but of course I am kidding! That is the Iroc . There’s no pulling anything over on you!
Anyway, the reason we are going after Iraq has something to do with Saddam Hussein killing his own people and possessing a handful of slightly modified missiles and a single drone aircraft, or something like that. It doesn’t strike me as a good reason to go to war, but then I am no Curtis LeMay. However, I’m of the mind that this is all a ploy by our government to scare Saddam into exile, since we can’t possibly be serious about wanting to drop 10 ton MOAB bombs on people because we think there might be a chance that their leader may someday want to aid somebody who wants to harm us.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not exactly against going to war with Iraq, and I refuse to buy into the “this is all about oil” argument, and furthermore I tend to feel that anyone who has ever carried an anti-war placard deserves to be beaten to death with a pro-war placard. At the same time, I’m not one of these maniacs who spray paints “Death to Saddam!” on the side of my car and, not being a defense contractor or oil baron, have nothing to gain by our attacking Iraq. So where do I stand?
Well, I’m not quite sure. Forgetting for a moment what he does to his own people, Saddam Hussein is an obvious menace, a despot with a penchant for expansionism. It is also extremely likely that he carries a deep grudge against the U.S. and would relish the opportunity to take us down a peg. Looking at it in that light, there is very little to lose by our taking this guy out of the picture once and for all. On the other hand, of course, we are AMERICA, God’s Chosen Country, and as such (and given our shaky reputation overseas) we must lead by example, part of which must surely be not going to war unprovoked. But then, maybe we have been provoked. Maybe all that information really is too sensitive for the government to reveal to the masses. I suppose we won’t find out until it’s too late.
So you can understand why I have so much trouble picking a side in all this; the hawks are all blood-thirsty racists who just want to see somebody—anybody—get killed, while the doves are all a bunch of faggots who think that if we all get together in a big circle and hold hands and wish hard enough, then there will be no more war. I guess, in the end, all I really want the government to do is whatever it takes to ensure that I, Rob Diener, will live a long, fulfilling, and excessively wealthy life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the underground bunker. Toodles!
p.s. If you have anything to say to me, say it to me. Let’s be adults about this. In other words, don’t go tattling on me to Neal Pollack. He’s a busy man and probably doesn’t care anyway. Oh, and to the person who was incensed by my description of the new peanut allergy medication: I like to think my cavalier stupidity is what makes me funny. But, as a person who cannot eat carrots, apples, and a half dozen other fruits and vegetables for fear that my throat will swell shut and I will fall into anaphylactic shock, I am acutely aware of the seriousness of peanut allergies, and by no means intended to downplay the legitimate significance of this medical breakthrough. However, I do think it’s hysterically funny whenever someone dies from eating peanuts.
p.p.s. Go here.
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